Empty

It’s letting loose and forgetting what’s to hold.

Giving up on it all and just focusing on that breath for that moment, that second and that time.

You leave everything else and become subconscious, you give up on everything that’s happening.

You live in your mind till you find that right time, to let go, to be and to find what flows and helps you grow.

I wish it was easy as that, I wish we had switches and not emotions.

I wish I could pinpoint everything and not feel like I’m being held at gupoint when someone asked me how I am.

There’s nothing here but at the same time, everything is here.

I’m not sure how to make it make sense but it’s like having to bake a cake but having it all break.

Find yourself, Love yourself and Better yourself

New

Trying new things is like keeping it stepping but not knowing where you’re going.

It’s holding on but letting go, it’s flying but draining.

The emotions cause so much confusion but the result can be all of the colours in a diffusion.

It’s tricky, it’s sticky and it’s mucky.

We just have to make the most of it and be…

We have to try to just see!

See outside the box, be outside the box and find what is outside THE BOX!

Find yourself, Love yourself and Better yourself

The opportunities

Everyone gave me so much and I felt so much.

Love, warmth and care.

The fact these people went the mile and gave me the time… to find me and to be me.

I built myself through them and learnt myself with them.

They opened my eyes and made me feel alright.

I’m so thankful, grateful and wakeful.

The love, the need and the efforts have not gone to waste.

You’ve built a warrior, a stronger and greater version of me.

I will love these people forever.

Here is to change and to be more aware of what’s to be.

Your chapter changes but you always carry something over from the previous pages.

Find yourself, Love yourself and Better yourself

I don’t know anymore…

The fullness of the mind.

The emptiness of the heart.

The wildness of the brain.

The achiness of the bones.

It’s strange but not even I would want it to change.

I’ve realised I can’t keep going.

With the same environment or surroundings.

It can’t keep going even though I enjoy it.

It sounds crazy but what you’re used to becomes your comfort zone and you don’t want to know anything else.

But it has to stop.

It has to change.

Something has to differ.

Whatever that is, however, it is; I hope we all find what is for us.

Even when change is not what we want but what we need, I hope it comes easy.

Find yourself, Love yourself and Better yourself

Pinch yourself!

The way I love it’s like I’ve become dumb.

So much to give but so little to receive.

Multiple people are inside me speaking, squeaking and creeping.

My heart feels empty but also so full.

I wish at least one person could do all the things I do.

But I guess I just have to do them all myself.

This is not bad so I’m not sure why I make it seem like that…

I have to stop expecting, wanting and needing people to do things for me that I can do myself!

Why wait for others when you have what you need within?

In you, around you and a part of you.

You!

Believe in yourself and allow yourself to have the ability to give… rather than only seek from everybody.

Find yourself, Love yourself and Better yourself

Nothing stays…

You’d think I’m just saying the same but everything comes and goes.

They hurt me and they don’t even realise it.

They leave right before I want to tell them to stay.

They just leave me to bleed after doing the deed… of committing, of staying and of holding.

All those endless nights, scentless moments and bubbles of happiness were popped right in front of us.

Nothing remains, nothing stays and nothing is ever the way I want.

Find yourself, Love yourself and Better yourself

Letting it be and not always picking me

Lately, I’ve been ignoring the gut instincts and the feelings that have been occurring.

I feel like it’s all being suppressed and not spoken of enough.

I don’t let things be and all I do is pick… to satisfy me, to please me and to benefit me.

Even though that’s not what happens, I get shut down then everything is locked down.

I don’t receive what I thought would be perceived, then I become displeased.

I put myself in those positions even though I knew what would be given.

It’s like reading a whole book but expecting something different when you already know what will happen.

If I manage to change my ways, I may find a way to share this with you.

Find yourself, Love yourself and Better yourself

The dose you require

I’d tell you to keep going but I’m sure you’ve already heard that’s how you should be doing.

Let me tell you something different… It may not be this instant but we will find our antidepressant.

We can keep moving, not pausing; we may start hesitating but that is what keeps us going.

Keep breathing and ignoring all that is urging.

Let’s stop suffering, and start living instead of surviving.

Time will come, time will fly… But will we come or will we fly?

Come to terms with what’s ongoing or fly and keep going.

Stop being so stuck and find a way to chuck all that makes you feel like your soul is being sucked.

Find yourself, Love yourself and Better yourself

What is it?

A writer’s block or my block?

Is it the dark skies, light mind and heavy heart? or is it the wild thoughts running free that aren’t letting me be?

Lost within, open with everything and nothing.

Nothing.

Something inside me is telling me to write about that nothingness…

That empty but full, that everything and something; but nothing.

I feel like a kid with all the candy in the world but not able to eat it.

I feel like I have it all, I prayed for this day where I make it four digits clean and the day where it isn’t got me. I am who has IT.

So many clouds, so many thoughts, so many tabs, things and endless wishes.

That nothingness doesn’t fail to provide that sadness; I wish it could just be happiness instead.

Find yourself, Love yourself and Better yourself

“Whatever floats your boat”

We’re told that we should feel happy and that the normal isn’t crappy.

Why is it that we must be a 10 and if we’re not it’s an automatic 0?

Why is it up or just down?

Why can’t we be okay with being a 5 and not always being on a high?

Just spend this moment. Breathe and tell yourself that it is okay to be wherever on the scale… as long as you are alive and here.

By fighting, striving and focusing.

On you and for you.

This isn’t motivation, this isn’t inspiration…

This is a reminder and to remember that those feelings can go in the blender.

We are all suffering, we are all trying to live, some better than others.

The jungle is a mess but it’s what you see which makes it a success.

Find yourself, Love yourself and Better yourself

03:28

There’s a lot on my mind, too much for this time.

I should be asleep and not even thinking so deep.

I feel worthless even though I know I’m priceless.

I’m praying for better days where I can just lay and forget about what you say.

But there is so much to us that cannot be forgotten.

Now I have to find a reason to live when that was what you give.

Here I am.

I am fading, tears rolling and my heart hurting.

I don’t know why it hurts so much but

Find yourself, Love yourself and Better yourself.

The flow and how it goes

I feel low and it’s making me say no.

To living, to being and doing.

I want to be out of reach, miles away and to just pray for something with colour that’s not grey.

I am building myself but feeling like I am losing myself.

I let go of the best people around me, who go above and beyond for me.

It’s that sense of fear that makes me want to not be near.

So I just up and leave, escape and be.

This isn’t right but it’s what I like.

So I let it be and let everyone go free.

I don’t give myself that happiness because all I know is sadness.

I hope this changes and I stop being so strange and deranged.

Find yourself, Love yourself and Better yourself.

Is it the end or the beginning?

I often have my bad days and sad days.

Where thought’s run through me and I’m running through them.

Like a marathon but not knowing what will be the end of.

I tend to let it all eat me, beat me and hurt me.

Till I find a reason to live again.

I never know if I have just started or just stopped.

Yesterday was one of those days where I was stuck in the maze.

No clue how I got in and how to get out.

Till something happened that gave me light for me to make me keep up this fight.

Keep going, keep living and keep surviving.

The time will come when we will be free, without fear and we will be here. To see ourselves succeed and be. In a world, we just wanted to flee.

This is the beginning and nothing will be ending.

Find yourself, Love yourself and Better yourself.

Do what’s right for YOU

Seek help, to start calming you from the weeping; to keep you from feeling the need for all those bad things that are making you feel so weak.

Connect yourself to the resources if you need to keep yourself checked and save yourself from being wrecked.

I thought I could deal with it but no matter what came my way… I may have survived through then but now I haven’t lived.

I’m stuck and a plain out wreck.

I am open to admitting it because it’s better than faking it.

Yes, I’m not okay but that is also OKAY!

The good days and the bad, all sum something up we won’t understand now but will later.

So I’m grateful for everything and open to new things.

To fix me, to heal me and to just be… me.

Whoever that is, whatever that includes.

To find me.

To find you.

To finding I.

You are loved; You are worthy.

You are you and that is enough for you & I.

Find yourself, Love yourself and Better yourself.

Finding what is… YOU

It can take a while and maybe it will be a few miles.

Till we find what’s written in our file and ready for us to fix our pile.

The right things will find us even within all the stings… Something will manage to ping.

We can only hope which will stop me from the mope.

So, here goes nothing to search for our everything.

Maybe today, or someday, maybe this May… We’ll have a bundle of joy which will make us feel complete, like a treat!

Find yourself, Love yourself and Better yourself.

The month I dread and makes me want to be dead

April is over; the month full of darkness, sorrow and so much sadness.

We go brighter, better and stronger.

Life was given to us; even though we didn’t ask for it.

We can’t end it… we can just live it.

So live to the best of your ability, give yourself creditability and find tranquility.

We got this; you are not alone.

Find yourself, Love yourself and Better yourself.

Help others if you can!

I’m not saying go the extra mile, just the couple of steps and maybe just a smile.

As small as it is to us; it’s something more to someone else. A plus, a sense of rush and a feeling of being flushed with the refreshed air of kindness.

We can try without asking why and give it to those who are coming by.

Give even if you don’t get and don’t expect them to project when you reflect.

As I always say… Our time will come, we will be prime and then we will shine.

Hold on to the rope a little harder, stronger and longer.

We will make it out; we will.

It’s not easy, that’s exactly why it’ll all be worth it; just like a healthy meal instead of a greasy takeaway.

But we will take it all away, the blessings and the new learning and everything on the way that made us start this new beginning.

May we all live till we’re content and represent what we are truly meant for!

Find yourself, Love yourself and Better yourself.

The waves of sadness and happiness

Sometimes I’m over the moon and other times I’m below the ground.

Sometimes I know what I feel and why I feel but today is a day of no emotion but just confusion and diffusion.

When the highs are high…I’m erratic, dramatic and somewhat charismatic.

But when I hit the lows… everything’s slow and nobody knows.

No way out; just me VS me.

I wish that’s not how it’s going to be and that I can just be free.

Blood dripping, tears rolling and my heart pounding. That’s what I wish right now… but I’m fighting the urge and guiding myself instead.

To better, to good and the way to myself.

1000 and so many days in; I never started to stop.

So let’s keep this war on.

1 VS 1; me VS me.

Find yourself, Love yourself and Better yourself.

Resentment

In life, we live and learn.

We keep going till we’ve started thriving.

We hurt people and people hurt us in between.

We meet so many people, some stay and some go.

In the middle of this, we hold onto all those negative moments and forget all those positive ones.

We all make mistakes but it’s important to act on those things we did wrong by being accountable and apologising when necessary.

People play a part in everything and it’s vital to remember that individuals say and do things but it is never personal and directed at you.

Holding onto resentment drags you down and weakens your attitude, mindset and emotions.

You leave a part of you within that moment instead of accepting it, forgiving the person and moving forward in time.

You stutter in the before rather than working on the after!

Let’s forgive those who did wrong, this doesn’t mean forgetting but it means moving more rather than nothing.

Find yourself, Love yourself and Better yourself.

How do we say no?

Hello everyone, I hope you are well!

I thought today, I will greet you and meet you. Whoever you are behind this screen, I hope your pain changes and your hurt eases. I love you and you matter.

Anyways…

Saying no is always difficult, it’s always a gut-wrenching feeling.

Sometimes I’m not sure what to do but I know boundaries should be in place.

My choices should be acknowledged and these boundaries should be fastened.

Say no when you feel like it won’t do anything but take you low.

Say yes to your own choices and that little gut feeling that tells you to act on those you’re concealing and ignoring.

Sometimes the answer is within you but you forget the power of what is therein.

So to say no, all you have to do is remember that you must grow.

Making your own choices will get rid of those voices who tell you to not say no.

Find yourself, Love yourself and Better yourself.

It all aches

All I do is give and never get.

All I feel is regret and never content.

I don’t know why you come to mind when I’m making decisions in my life.

The dark mind is always VS what I’m trying to find.

Sigh…

The knots are tightening, the rain is fastening and the dark is darkening.

Find yourself, Love yourself and Better yourself.

You live and learn, each have their own

You will come across people in this life who love you, just as you love.

Who will pay attention, just as you do.

Be considerate, understanding and motivated to contain a friendship just as you.

But, we also have those people in our life that arrive to just make things clearer.

They aren’t bad people, those people are just who teach and preach to us.

They may come and go but it’s always important to remember your emotions and what you felt.

That happiness and confusion of that human who felt like comfort and now is just dust.

It’s okay to let go but it’s important to live.

To allow people to have their time and to leave.

You will find your person, you will have your soulmate or best mate.

Don’t stutter on one person when they’ve already chosen to leave.

People will come and go but you are who decides the aftermath.

Whether that be a lesson or something to live for, whether that was an experience for you or a mysterious time.

Remember to always keep living.

Be in the present, there is so much to be grateful about.

Find yourself, Love yourself and Better yourself.

What to do when you don’t know

My heart is pounding, my thoughts are striking and my hands are freezing.

I’m full of terror and scared I made some error.

I don’t know why I’m blaming myself but at this point every time you see me, I feel like I made you.

I wish you would leave me alone and just not show me who you are.

I wish we hadn’t have known each other.

Every time you speak to me, I wish I had a special function to turn off and zoom to space.

To not be seen nor heard or found.

To be non-existent… just at that moment.

I hope all of you stay safe and be in a place that is okay.

If you’re in any situation that makes you feel at risk, threatened or in danger. You can seek help or advice from any of the below:

Samaritans: 08457 90 90 90

Childline: 0800 11 11

NSPCC: 0808 800 500

Let’s Talk: 01482 247 111 or text TALK to 61825

NHS Direct: 111

Domestic Violence Helpline: 0800 970 2070

Victim Support: 01482 587666

National Debt Helpline: 0808 808 4000

CALM: 0800 585858

BEAT (eating disorders): 0808 801 0811

SAFE PLACE: When at risk or in danger you can access a “Safe Place” which will lead you to designated areas in your location. You can do this by searching the website safeplace.org.uk or downloading their app safe places.

Ask Angela: If you are at any risk, unsafe or feeling threatened and would like assistance… You can ask people for ‘Ask for Angela’ which is a keyword for staff at venues such as bars and clubs which would then lead to experienced staff assisting you with your concerns.

Walk Safe: There is an app you can download to allow you to feel safe by acknowledging your surroundings. The Walk Safe app sends you notifications if you are walking into dangerous areas or areas that may have risks. It also contains an app that allows you to plan your journey and assess any risks to avoid them and be safe.

Find yourself, Love yourself and Better yourself.

Fading but breathing

Everything around me feels like it’s dissolving and I’m just suffering.

It’s not blending nor is it just living.

I feel like I’m being pressed and shoved into the next chapter of my life.

I feel like I’m being forced to live… by myself.

The urges take my breath and my will to live.

I begin ignoring but then I end up mourning.

This pain will always feel the same.

It’ll always make me feel useless, powerless and I’ll always give in.

Even if it’s a day or two, I’d give in.

I’ve now accepted my episodes and my moments.

It’s okay for me to have a blip because something bad has happened.

It’s okay to consume myself with Netflix and sleep to avoid my thoughts.

It’s okay to just have a moment and step back.

To come back stronger, better and wiser.

Accept your moments, your flaws and your mistakes.

We are all human and don’t become strong without being weak first.

Find yourself, Love yourself and Better yourself.

Happiness

You might find it in others or little things which have no differences to other people.

Live, laugh and love is what they say. We stand back and view our circumstances and say “how can we?”

We can… by forgetting the past and living in the present.

By not torturing ourselves with those mistakes that everyone else points out.

By owning our scars and viewing them like they’re a constellation of stars.

By appreciating what we have and not dwelling on what we can’t and don’t have.

May God bless us abundantly.

I love you; now it’s time for you to leave this page with a fresh pair of eyes!

Time will come, yours will arrive.

Believe in yourself and everything else will have its place.

Find yourself, Love yourself and Better yourself.

Let it out

Whether it be tears or anger…

Don’t refrain when you feel something.

Act upon it but by yourself.

Don’t let it out on someone else with the heat of the moment, don’t let your emotions eat them.

Everything in that high, intensive and sensitive moment makes you feel like the world is against you.

So why let it be?

Give yourself a moment and cry when you need to.

Acknowledge yourself and your feelings.

Don’t dismiss what you feel just because you want to forget what’s real.

Deal with those emotions, those oceans that are causing commotions.

Be wise and be open.

To do more than before.

To act within mentally and not outlet physically.

Towards and around others.

Don’t portray your feelings on to everyone else’s something.

Everyone has their load, whether you think so or not.

They also have rainy and dark days.

Be open to accepting and allowing others to remain in their bubble.

You have you and that’s all you need.

Find yourself, Love yourself and Better yourself.

Mid-breakdown

I was falling apart all day long and I had nothing to stop all the wrong.

I decided to take care of myself and thread my eyebrows…

I started crying at how bad my life is and threading my eyebrows was distracting me from my thoughts.

So I kept going and going and now I have ended up with a Nike tick of an eyebrow left.

I’ve never been so disappointed but this has taught me not to let my emotions and intrusive thoughts come in the way.

To not act upon them and even ignore them…

To just face them, head on and straight on.

Even though you’re full of heart pain and also that much empty, do not ever resort to anything at that moment.

This isn’t the first time I’ve done something drastic but it is the first time in a very long while.

But I guess we fake it till we make it.

Find yourself, Love yourself and Better yourself.

From grey to green

Sometimes it’s hard to control, other times it’s a ball in the park.

Sometimes emotions and feelings are ignored but these thoughts have always remained.

It all looks so foggy and seems so non-existent but in reality, it is all coming together.

Believing in myself is something I’ve been trying hard to do.

By remembering that every leaf falls with a reason, knowing every situation I’m put in has something to take from.

It’s hard to keep a mindset that often has a bet to burn like a cigarette, to turn into ashes any minute and reset to default.

The need for everything to be perfect is to be checked.

To not defect.

To not expect.

To be is all we need.

To see what’s around our scene and admire what we can be, rather than flee and view someone else’s garden which is so green.

You cannot grow something without feeding it, so give your mind the nutrients to create the flowers.

Read things that inspire you, aspire you; to follow your path in this lonely society.

Be who you want to be and not only what you see thriving.

Start striving in your manner, drive your boat and lead what you believe!

Find yourself, Love yourself and Better yourself.

The inside VS the outside

The deadlines, the broken timelines and those arranged times.

My sleep schedule is a mess and my soul isn’t at rest.

I often wish to do more but only to ignore what I said before.

I do not know how to feel but that is what it’s like to be real.

To be somewhat normal.

It’s okay to not know or to not be okay. This is what I tend to forget.

The feelings, the voices and the mind. It’s okay for them to tell you things you’re not.

The inside will always assume what’s on the other side.

Even when you know, your brain will tell you, you don’t know.

So let’s get ourselves together, to be okay with everything that feels not okay.

To love even when you feel like you haven’t got anything inside of you.

To be, even when you want to leave.

To feel, even when everything is unrealistic.

So be alive, take that hot or cold shower.

Do those impulsive things like buying a takeout, taking a trip to the theme park, dressing differently, shopping for something you don’t even need.

But don’t forget to do the things you need to like washing your laundry, cleaning your room, finishing that assignment, making your bed for tonight, finishing your meal and just drinking 2 litres a day.

At least one of those small things can make your day feel complete.

To make you feel like you haven’t been defeated and in fact…YOU HAVE JUST STARTED.

Find yourself, Love yourself and Better yourself.

The ratio

When I get sad, I reflect on all those bad days, times, things I’ve done.

All those regrets but then with the breakdown, I learn how amazing and strong I am.

That I got through it the night before or the day before that.

That I got through all those attempts, dangers and risks.

I made it through.

So what is stopping me tonight?

My thoughts, my inner voices and the urge.

But I know I will make it through.

I say this all the time because I feel it EVERY time.

I look back at all these blogs and see so much emotion run through my veins. So much pain, sorrow and misery.

The touch of positivity is what’s keeping me going.

The 90% of negativity to the 10% of positivity is holding me on.

So I don’t wish for anything today…

Today. I AM GRATEFUL!

For the journey, for the feelings, for the pain, for the hurt. For all that which has made me who I am right now.

Even these tears right now which are bursting with sadness will sum up to some sort of happiness.

I am grateful to be me.

I am thankful to keep learning through my journey.

I am important.

I am loved.

I am trying and THAT IS ALL THAT MATTERS.

Find yourself, Love yourself and Better yourself.

The way

It’s been foggy and everything feels so cloggy.

It’s like a drain that gets some things stuck and the rest just flows.

The negativity is there and positivity is where?

Nowhere.

But I’m trying to change that…

More focus and less cycles.

More change and less emotion.

More depth and less stress.

The way I’ve come, it’s a lot to me.

The journey is suffocating but I’m also blossoming.

The breakdowns are making me want to pick up my crown and forget what led to my frown.

I will make the days brighter and not expect them to magically differ without my change.

We have this under control!

Our emotions are there and our thoughts are floating. They will never leave…So why don’t we start accepting that?

Sometimes we have to dig through a lot before we get to what we want.

There’s a lot of dirt; till the diamond is found.

Find yourself, Love yourself and Better yourself.

Hope

So I think I’ve come to the time to throw away the rope.

That held me for so long, which stopped me and weakened me.

So I’ll stop to moan and mope around.

Instead, begin to let go of all that and elope from my mind.

To ignore the negative within my mind and focus on the positive in my life.

Good news or bad, I’m sure there’s something to take from it.

Whether it changes you or makes you, whether it breaks you or builds you…

It will be a part of you.

So own it.

Don’t regret it.

It’s you, so why regret who YOU are?

Nor can you change that factor or ignore that sector of your past.

So love yourself a little more on those days where the negativity is all you see, focus on yourself a little more and ignore the exterior.

These goals will be fulfilled, these nights with that mind will find light and those people who don’t see you right now.

They will see you shine.

Find yourself, Love yourself and Better yourself.

I want it to end but has it even started?

These thoughts are endless and the emotions are restless.

How does it feel to not be so mixed with emotion, confusion and so much explosion from within?

It is like a volcano erupting, spreading and disrupting.

I feel like I’m unable to breathe, let alone see.

See forward and move forward… How when all this is leading me backwards?

Back to the urge of peace through harm, back to old ways which mislead me, back to what I left to become this me.

What do I do when I’m so lost within me that everything around me has become nothing?

I feel like I have the answers but choose to ignore them.

I feel like I’m just battling something weak and that I’m too strong for it.

It feels like this is just a blip… but it’s so ongoing.

Never-ending.

Never finishing.

The hope won’t leave me that one day; the good days will be more.

The good days will be there.

The good days that are so constant and full of all those positive emotions… yet I have to feel.

The darkness will leave…

Hopefully.

I pray for a time that this all becomes reality.

Amen.

Find yourself, Love yourself and Better yourself.

Currently…

It’s a bit of a mess, so I apologise for not being the best.

My thoughts haven’t been shared even though they needed to be heard.

The past is haunting and the future is daunting.

I wish I had myself together, somewhat lighter and fresher.

The past couple of days have taught me to stop being so stuck in my maize and find a way from all this craze.

As much as I would like to move on, there is something always stopping me.

Holding me and never letting me loosen.

My dark thoughts have never been darker…

But I know the light will find me or I will find the light.

Even though it’s hard, dreadful and hateful.

One day it will all be so cheerful.

Find yourself, Love yourself and Better yourself.

Trauma

It’s not something to forget, it is always there.

It’s like it’s always in the air because wherever you go, there’s a feeling of it, there’s a thought of anxiety over it.

That trauma, those memories and flashbacks.

It all flickers within you like a switch.

I just wish it was easier and just a little simpler.

That which my past wouldn’t reflect the present and that my future isn’t dictated from my past.

The sense of normality makes me feel like I’m happy and then the sense of past experiences just throws me off and I become saddened.

I wish I could brush it off or pull away but there’s not much I can do when it feels so true.

The confusion is causing a delusion which is leading to a complication.

Within my mind, within the perceptions and the differences.

I hope we can get through this.

Find yourself, Love yourself and Better yourself.

The clean that seems so mean…

We often come home from a day that drains us and sometimes makes us a little less sane.

We leave a mess, we avoid things purposely and begin to procrastinate to do it all on a different day.

Sometimes that day comes and other times it becomes invisible.

We learn to live with the bits and bobs around us and never get to them.

This can be work, education, laundry, cooking your favourite meal. It’s what you procrastinate and forget.

So let’s get up and do what we need to.

To feel refreshed and at our best, it seems less but the mess does cause a little more stress.

So get it out the way, over and done with.

Do the things you need to and stop leaving them till tomorrow or the day after.

Sometimes the little things are what cure us.

You have to acknowledge your mess to then progress.

Forgiving yourself, doing your chores, completing the tasks that were set weeks ago or maybe months.

Let’s up our game and become more concentrated in our lane and not stuck in our brains.

I love you and this will get better. Maybe not easier just less dramatic and more suppressed.

Our thoughts are like clouds, sometimes they’re full and other times they’re empty. So let them move and let it all go as the days go past.

Find yourself, Love yourself and Better yourself.

Am I blank or have I finally sank?

I’m not sure how I feel but it’s nothing to thank.

I feel like I’ve masked all these tasks that I have already outranked.

I beat myself up, I ignore the truth and I turn blind to reality.

I act as if I’ve sinned but all I’ve done is lived.

I wish those around me would face the facts or not stack against me.

The worst, the best and the least. It’s taken all out of me and all different times.

I am hated but also loved. I’m not sure how it works but it does.

I’ll continue to ignore and then aspire to be more.

I’m not sure how to keep going besides the love of God and the small tiny voice inside me that want’s to be so much more than I have ever been.

So let’s see what’s to be seen and hear those who want to be heard.

We will be better, I love you.

Find yourself, Love yourself and Better yourself.

Comparing

Your pain is not mine.

So how do you compare when it’s not the same?

How can you name my difficulties aren’t hard enough when I feel like the walls are closing in?

My mind is darkening, my emotions are numbing and my heart is aching.

Constant suicidal thoughts; which I didn’t ask for…

No pain is less and no pain differs.

Your pain is just as deep as you feel, it doesn’t change if I say; nor if I compare.

Do not be insensitive, do not be mean and always be cautious of your words.

If you do not have something good to say then don’t.

Keep it within you and shut the lid on your bin.

Find yourself, Love yourself and Better yourself.

Focus

Discipline is the way to start pinpointing your focus.

To not be disappointing yourself, straightening the path for yourself makes it easier.

Creating your own bubble and shovelling your thoughts in one direction should help.

Give yourself set times, places and dedicate certain things towards what you want to focus on.

It may be a goal, an ambition or completing your education.

A routine, a cycle and a habit.

Then slowly things will ease.

At first, it’ll feel extremely tense but this will help you sense what is happening and stop you from avoiding what needs to be done.

Ignore the rest and focus on what is best.

Those everyday casual thoughts need to be put aside for you to concentrate. By doing this you can set certain times or dedicate a part of the day to focus on what is just there. This will allow you to better your focus and annihilate what’s in between your goals.

So keep trying, keep going and keep doing.

Your future is in your hands and how you want to react is what will play out in the act.

Good luck finding your focus, I hope this teaches you to be more cautious of what you let into you mentally.

I love you and don’t forget how much you matter!

Find yourself, Love yourself and Better yourself.

The presence

We overthink, we overview and feel like we’ll never overcome for what’s to come.

The anxiety of the presence is non-existent.

We dwell on what’s coming and ignore what’s happening.

What do we do when we feel so stuck in the future?

We take a step back, we catch ourselves and a breath.

We realise where we are is somewhere that we were wanting to be.

We keep it moving; we have to.

We have to live the present, feel the upcoming and not dwell.

We need to hear, see and feel what is around us.

Live the moment we’re in…

Overcome the anxiety of the future to focus on the present.

Thrive now and dive into the future when it comes.

Your dreams and ambitions will remain there, you can think of them but do not stress over them and make yourself a mess.

Find yourself, Love yourself and Better yourself.

The World Mental Health Day

Today is for recognition.

To see all the different mindsets in position.

To accept different moods and be known about them.

The darkness, the light and the dim.

Look around you…

See yourself and others around you.

Do not be blind, which leads you to be unkind.

Be nice and bright even within the night.

Shine and forget about time.

Find yourself, Love yourself and Better yourself.

The G R O W T H

It hurts, it wounds but it eventually heals.

So smile even though it will be a while till everything is a little less vile.

Go with the flow, own it and learn it.

These obstacles, the trials and the issues will soon resolve by themselves.

Time will come and things will fade, it might not feel better but it will get slightly easier.

So hold on a little tighter, a little firmer and be your own armour.

It’s whatever you want to see it as; so let it be something dead and left in the open or let it be born and blossom.

Focus on what is in front of you and do not stress of what is to come next to you.

You can only control the present, so be pleasant to yourself.

Find yourself, Love yourself and Better yourself.

An explanation you all deserve.

Sometimes I’m hurting and other times I’m smiling but most of the time I’m healing and falling.

So I apologise for all those blogs that make you sense my darkness and how the light is so dim on my side.

The ups I have are highs and the lows I have include breakdowns.

So I hope my thoughts make sense, my words make sentences and those unexplainable feelings are explained.

I apologise for the lack of content and constant negativity. I pray this is the lowest I will get. From here on we will be up. I pray this is my time. To shine and be high on the nine.

I love you all.

Sometimes my thoughts are like waves that come at the right time and right speed but other times I’m like an animal who doesn’t even understand English.

We shall continue to grow and prosper even when we want to try to die and have the need to be an imposter.

That’s a dishonour, so allow me to now be a goner.

Find yourself, Love yourself and Better yourself.

Blergh

How do I describe this?

Am I drowning or sinking? Or am I floating and still living?

The blergh just involves us to just be being.

To be here but not see so clear.

It’s like a fogged and fucked up mind.

Excuse my language but how can I express such pieces of chess?

Everything just feels less and so compressed within my chest around my breasts.

I wish I was impressed by the success that I have earned access.

Smiling faces, aching hearts and masked emotions.

Is there something we’re missing or is it just something we’re forgetting?

The tides are coming to shore so we must not snore, on our dreams, nor our ambitions and in our reality.

So let us keep it going and keep feeling, even if it isn’t what we’re needing.

I’m sure one day this will lead to some kind of healing.

Find yourself, Love yourself and Better yourself.

The best conversations are with strangers

You’d think it’d be dangerous but it’s just a stranger.

With a heart and is also trying to find a part.

It’s the smallest thing they could say like “you look good!”’or “I like your outfit” and sometimes even as little as a smile.

So be at ease and don’t feel like you have to please.

When your own do not tell you the things you need, those around you who don’t know you would describe you in ways you’d never imagine.

One conversation, an interaction can lead to satisfaction.

In my opinion, the best is with those who don’t know you.

The conversations lead to the most randomise of topics and may treat you like an antibiotic.

Maybe I’m wrong or maybe I’m not.

But give it a go, compliment someone. It can be anyone!

The things you do always return.

So keep a clean heart and open arms, you are always building your own fate by what you do.

I love you all and may we all have a journey that only educates us and builds us.

Find yourself, Love yourself and Better yourself.

Trying

Within our journey, we have days, for flight or fight.

We decide if we should make it right or struggle with such sights.

Trying which involves so much crying and from within so much dying.

So many people, so many thoughts and so many opinions.

All of this leads to overthinking and being something that isn’t convincing to yourself.

So try my love…

Try for you.

Love for you.

Be for you.

Nothing else but YOU.

And when you’ve finished trying, you’ll be relieved and feeling like you’ve just dreamed.

I love you and never do something for the sake of someone else.

You should be the only reason to start and finish.

Find yourself, Love yourself and Better yourself.

What goes on

I took off my clothes and gave them a throw, who would’ve known I could get this low?

My nights have been disrupted and my mind has been attacked. I wish I knew how to stop feeling so cracked.

Aches and pains, mentally and physically ill. I feel like there is no way out of this.

The dim lights, clammy skin and my patience were so thin.

I feel like nobody cares.

No calls or texts from the ones I love. They are blind to my pain and think I’m just insane.

I wanna feel loved, be someone beloved but I am just that person who is shoved into the corner.

I have to stop expecting things and just start understanding that I am always going to be standing alone.

To be okay, I have to accept that not being okay is okay.

Not being loved by others is okay but choosing to ignore the love for me is not.

We have to put ourselves first always.

Don’t let the pain lead you to the tunnels where there is no light and it’s full of darkness that hurts you.

I love you.

Find yourself, Love yourself and Better yourself.

It all starts from something little

It was bright and all the light was found.

My test felt eased and my heartfelt opened.

For the first time in so long, I felt okay… May this stay the same.

You say – “Amen.”

Better, stronger and healthier. May we all be!

The day was full of joy and ended with me slightly annoyed.

I’m okay with that because I learnt so much more and had the negativity be burnt.

Even though we are used to living the sadness, feeling the pain and portraying the hurt.

We can be more and we can get better.

Make the most of that one good day you have, even if it follows with 1000 bad days.

You had a good day, you had a smile, you had more than meaning and felt connected.

Time shall set things in place.

I love you and I wish you the best always.

Find yourself, Love yourself and Better yourself.

Your choice

Your options, your questions and your intentions; should never be based on others.

What they want, what they’d like and how they’d feel.

Be you and choose you.

Do not make life-changing or even small changing decisions because of what others would like.

It will lead to endless disappointment and dissatisfaction.

Live for you and every choice you make, FOR YOU.

Relying on others and changing yourself for someone else, will never benefit you or your life.

It is like living someone else’s life. Why do such things when they have their choices and you have yours?

Be you and fulfil your own needs before someone else’s.

What I am saying does not mean that you do not take into account their thoughts and feelings, it just means not living your life the way they perceive and conceiving what you think is right.

Be your person.

Share what’s yours, light or even night.

Choose Y O U.

Find yourself, Love yourself and Better yourself.

I don’t know what this is

How should I feel?

Is this even real?

All this feels non-existent and I am questioning my existence…

Even though I sleep, it just feels like 5 minutes of rest. What is this test?

Blinded by emotions, the thoughts are like slow waves from the ocean which are causing a commotion.

The light is dim and my patience is thin.

When will my time come and when can I stop feeling so numb?

It’s been 64 days since my social media detox, I’ve learnt things and I’ve gained things.

But most of all I saw myself…

The pressure, the agony and the disappointment that I lay so thick, without any other say.

I acknowledge how hard I am going.

That is not healthy and it will certainly not make me happy.

So I have to be okay.

Okay with not being first, okay with everything that goes wrong. Okay with my surroundings. Okay for not having control.

Finding yourself is hard but ignoring who you’ve become makes it all harder.

Face yourself and your fears to stop all those tears.

Good cannot come from what is bad, so change that.

I hope you are all well and are seeking something healthy, positive and beneficial.

I love you all! Till next time 😉

Find yourself, Love yourself and Better yourself.

The special “One”

Some individuals are so different that it makes them so interesting.

Their way of love, their way of showing things and the way of handling things.

They’re so different that the way they’d react and the impact is unknown.

You go out of your way for wanting more of them.

You become addicted, needed and committed.

For more but that bores them.

I guess now we start lying to ourselves and ignoring the truth.

No love is comparable and nothing else is compatible… than you.

You’re so close but also so far.

You are my darkness but my happiness.

You are my love but also full of my hate.

It’s like I was born to love you.

You taught me to love, showed butterflies and created happiness. But there was also the hate, fear and pain.

I felt safe with you, you were my home.

My all and more.

Without you, my head is a mess, something like braindead.

You are my comfort, my sunburst, my love.

You are the drug I’m using.

You are the one I’m choosing.

But you are so confusing, my craving and so irritating.

Find yourself, Love yourself and Better yourself.

The S word

Many of us deep inside feel the need to be non-existent.

To be dead, to not see or feel.

To give up on everything so we cannot face our fears.

Whether or not self-harm or suicide is a sin, we will still think of how it all can begin.

Stuck in our minds, feeling like we have no luck to fight all these tides that have struck.

The cloud upon me is darkness with only sadness, with no light to shine.

Intrusive thoughts and an abusive mind are all that I can find.

Suicide and self-harm will never be the answer.

Do not let the pressure allow you to even destroy one of your feathers.

We will do this together, the clouds will be better and we will never be lesser.

If you are in harm or danger, there are many sources of help out there.

You can talk and they will listen.

The Samaritans are always available, no matter what the date or time at 116 123. Or text “SHOUT” to 85258 for chat support.

Papyrus are available from 9 am-midnight every day of the year for people under the age of 35: 0800 068 4141

SOS Silence of Suicide for ALL AGES from 4 pm to midnight every day: 0300 1020 505

YoungMinds Crisis messenger for those who are under 19: text “YM” to 85258

Here are some relevant links:

https://youngminds.org.uk/find-help/feelings-and-symptoms/suicidal-feelings/

Are You Feeling Suicidal?

https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/suicidal-feelings/about-suicidal-feelings/

https://www.rethink.org/advice-and-information/about-mental-illness/learn-more-about-symptoms/suicidal-thoughts-how-to-cope/

https://www.nhs.uk/mental-health/feelings-symptoms-behaviours/behaviours/help-for-suicidal-thoughts/

Find yourself, Love yourself and Better yourself.

Mixed emotions

I can’t think straight.

I’m feeling all the weight.

I wish I could be great.

Not knowing what’s ongoing but I wish it was glowing.

I guess it’s just a dark morning and late-night full of me yearning for more.

Clammy palms, unshakeable feelings and deep wounds.

None of which can be fixed just ignored and mixed.

I get attached and then make myself feel collapsed.

I let go to find better but I’m too eager.

I get stuck and full of feelings.

I just wanna get out of this muck and be struck with happiness and forget all the sadness.

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

I think that is all that can explain my mind right now.

I wanna scream and shout.

I wanna fucking let go.

It will be okay.

It will.

Let’s breathe in…

1. Inhale that good clean air – 3 seconds, let your stomach rise and feel like a balloon.

2. FEEL IT.

3. Exhale all those negative thoughts – catch yourself back in this moment.

Realise your worth and potential.

You have so much going for you.

Maybe it’s invisible right now but it is inevitable.

You got this far and it wasn’t to stop.

So let’s all keep going. Together.

We need to forgive ourselves and begin to excel.

The best comes from within us, so don’t look past your skin.

I love you. EVERY ONE OF YOU!

Find yourself, Love yourself and Better yourself.

Lost but found

Hello, it’s me trying to let go again.

Trying to let go of the harsh thoughts.

The flashbacks, the reminders and the constant trauma.

I think the first step to doing this is to realize it is not my fault and to take it as a pinch of salt.

To start accepting and begin stepping forward.

To do and to not think about who.

As lost as I am, I feel just as much more within.

Time does not heal you, your mindset does.

The way you think and the way you perceive things.

Be head-on, accept your mistakes instead of ignoring them.

When you accomplish something be proud of yourself and do not let it slip past your back.

Don’t let the darkness afflict you.

If you cannot find the light in the tunnel, be the LIGHT.

Make yourself happy, find new things, give up old and bad habits.

Be new and be you.

The only thing stopping you from pursuing your dreams is yourself.

So keep going and keep doing.

Find your peace before laying your sheet.

We are not done.

We will strive and we will thrive before we become deprived.

Find yourself, Love yourself and better yourself.

A fix within my script

Endless tears, so many fears, but now it’s all clear.

Non-existent traces and no more connections.

I feel free and I can finally see.

The open-world with the broken souls who are lost within moments.

Our choices do not reflect us as people and whoever says this has no reason and is just evil.

Ignore your past or own it but whatever you do, never hate yourself.

Your actions made you grow and it wasn’t a distraction or a reaction.

It was what you thought was right and that’s that.

Live your life to the fullest.

Don’t let someone else’s lies make you feel sliced.

I love you so much.

We will be free.

We will be okay…

Together.

Find yourself, Love yourself and better yourself.

Consistency

You come and go.

When you stay it’s only for you.

I don’t want something that’s temperamental and that’s not me being judgemental.

I will put myself first in every situation.

Without your interference of confusion.

Funny conversations, deep connections and so many ideations.

I wish you could just let me be or be with me.

One way or no way.

Just make it easier and stop making me feel crazier.

Thank you for the good times, the bad times but now…

It’s MY time.

To love me.

To build me.

To adore me.

To give the world to me.

BY MYSELF.

Find yourself, Love yourself and better yourself.

Realisation

I’ve come to terms that everyone has a reason.

Reasons to be there, to text and to care.

Something beneficial for them.

But nothing official for me.

We break hearts…

But we fix some parts.

My love is too much.

My heart is too full.

But this world is too empty.

Not deserving nor serving.

I love everything so that nothing has a chance to hit me back.

I give it my all so I do not feel less.

So I do not fall nor lose the chance of something blessed.

The more I give, the more I feel whole but also like I have achieved a goal.

I ask you to love, even when you feel hate.

Accept whatever it is that hurts you.

Forgive your past self to move forward.

Move forward and live for now, nor before nor later.

All those mistakes, those disastrous ends that fail to meet, just let them be.

Focus on your goals and everything else will follow.

May we all be on the right path which leads us to happiness with God and ourselves.

Find yourself, Love yourself and better yourself.

YOU are important.

It is okay to let go…

To start again, for YOURSELF.

To be leaving everything else.

To be your best self.

You’ll never be less, unless you stop loving yourself.

You are enough when you see yourself for yourself.

You are what you want to be.

You are what you make yourself see.

It isn’t easy but it will be.

Love yourself, find what makes you YOU.

Tick off your bucket list, learn more about yourself.

Take yourself out instead of others.

Go to your favourite restaurant by yourself, the date on your own.

Stop seeking for yourself in everyone else.

Love everything even if it hurts sometimes.

Find yourself, Love yourself and better yourself.

The “past”

Trauma is like a sauna.

Full of fog and heat, which continues to get to you, one way or another.

Either you suppress it or face it.

I just feel like a broken glass vase with no control.

I cannot be taped nor can this be escaped.

Even if I accept everyone else just oversteps.

My thoughts are random dots and now becoming knots.

Hard to figure, difficult to understand…

How do I express it when it all feels like it is a failed test?

Broken hearts, confused minds and societies all blind.

I wish mental health was taken seriously and more importantly.

I wish it was seen as more than just a darkened burden.

I wish I could love everything and not worry about being vulnerable.

I wish my softness would not be used against me with such badness.

But…

I will continue to love because every bad experience will not minus the positive experiences.

Maybe something bright will find me with the light.

May we be full of love.

I love you.

Find yourself, Love yourself and better yourself.

1000 days clean from self harm <333

I’ve hit 1000.

It’s a milestone.

I feel like I’m on a high stone.

I feel blown away and so grown within myself.

It’s like everything is suddenly known.

The feeling is unreal, it is all so surreal.

I will do everything since I am now free and ready to heal.

I am enough, damn I am so chuffed!

It took me a while to realise but this is the start of my trials.

May all our hardships be eased!

May love to be found within ourselves before anything else.

It is never too late to start on yourself to forget everything else.

We got this!

I love you.

Find yourself, Love yourself and better yourself.

999

This isn’t a call for an emergency.

It’s for your eyes to see what I created tirelessly, gorgeously which is so worthily.

I’ve been clean for this many, my heart feels so heavy.

Without a team and just me.

I have no idea how I got this far.

My determination within this duration deserves more than a graduation.

Those sleepless nights, painful thoughts and endless urges feel enough today.

Today I win and not my demons within.

This all has been an endless spin that started selflessly but now is displayed beautifully.

I am enough.

I am important.

I am loved.

I am worthy.

Everything I failed to believe, has been retrieved and now is seen.

I see myself for who I am and not who I used to be.

I appreciate the moments with myself instead of wanting someone else.

The alone inside is enough and nothing else needs to be shown.

Be the strongest you, fight for yourself and nothing else.

Those dreams, those means is your chance to be the Queen of your cards.

Find yourself, Love yourself and better yourself.

Your capability

As empty as I am, as cold as I feel, I wish I could just heal.

The sound of rain emerges from all the pain.

Extreme thoughts, ambitious passion and sadness roots through me.

When I want to stop, I always ask myself why I started.

For myself and nothing else.

These thoughts have taught me nothing but made exhaust.

Several dreams and several ways.

May we all be successful, blissful and full of potential.

The lows will always have pros.

Learn to share and intake.

Because when you believe, you will have you to achieve.

Have faith in yourself, then let everyone else taste what you have displayed.

I love you and no matter where you come from or what your past includes.

YOU are a warrior.

A stronger, tougher and better than ever before version of you will find YOU.

Whatever you are fighting, remember that soon you will be smiling.

Even when it’s bad, there is some good in it.

I love you.

Find yourself, Love yourself and better yourself.

Empty

I have nothing to express.

Everything is suppressed.

I just want to feel refreshed.

What do I do when I feel neglect?

Green trees, blue skies and wet roads.

Heavy hearts and empty minds.

Several different emotions, which are not spoken.

I want a solution or something in motion.

I want to speak about the unspoken which is huge as the ocean.

Dark minds and extreme thoughts full of suicide.

Empty feelings, pulsing hearts and our minds at risk.

Demons at war but I wish I could just be like before.

My time will come, so things will no longer be dull.

1000 days self harm soon clean, so I should stop being so mean.

I should let myself be and just feel a little free.

Soon I will lock my demons away and lose the key.

I can cope, so now I have begun to see hope.

Remember to love yourself before you fall in love with things that aren’t forever.

Some things won’t remain together and fall apart just like the weather.

Your priority should always be yourself and God.

Do not let anything come in the way of your growth and take you both.

Find yourself, Love yourself and better yourself.

I want it to end.

My scars are healing.

My thoughts are disrupting.

My war is never-ending.

My demons are screaming.

Bloodstained blades.

I’m stuck in a maze.

Over 979 days clean now, that’s a reason to be appraised.

I wish I could pray and feel a little saner.

But most nights are loud like I’m stuck in a crowd… When will I be allowed to leave this dark cloud?

This pain isn’t allowing me to gain, it’s just causing me more stains.

I feel like I’m attached to a the back of a train dragging myself in these chains along the railways.

BUT…

I will always keep going.

My story will forever continue and so will YOURS.

My ability won’t weaken but only strengthen.

I am not in the way of my dreams; my mind is just on the wrong team.

I will stand with all force and ignore these thoughts.

Dark minds, late nights… One day it will all become somewhat bright.

Find yourself, Love yourself and better yourself.

What is it like to have anxiety

My palms are clammy.

My hands are shaking.

My stomach is aching.

My legs feel numb.

I feel like I’m under someone’s thumb.

I’m feeling everyone staring…

But I find that it’s just my mind.

What do I do when it’s all up in my brains and I feel like I’m in chains?

Locked away, held against my will.

Can somebody free me so I can feel again?

Trapped, strapped and attacked.

By my mind which is wrapped with everything that causes me to feel kidnapped.

My mind includes someone else inside.

Find yourself, Love yourself and better yourself.

Me, myself and I

My complexion is gaining unnecessary attention.

I accepted being different and ignored the ignorant.

Why do my looks affect you?

I know it’s part of the test.

But it’s an irritation causing a deflation.

My colour is all you see and truly not me.

How am I meant to feel when all you want is for me to peal? Just please let me heal.

I’m sad, I’m mad but I wish I was a tad happy.

The last time I was, it was in a nappy.

To ignore without letting them hit a score.

My skin, my limb and my within are unchangeable.

So let’s make that acceptable.

You can kick me whilst I’m already down but when I’m up you’ll think it’s a magic trick.

Love me or leave me, God got me.

The money got me.

And most importantly.

I GOT ME.

Growth is a process alone that is then suddenly known.

Find yourself, Love yourself and better yourself.

The process of grieving is more than surviving

I’ve been waking up to people dying.

Sleeping by me crying.

Aching and hurting.

It’s non-stopping and never-ending.

I want to find a way.

It is all I have to say.

This is a test and in this world, I am just a guest.

My life will end and you can pretend to be my friend and attend.

I know who was there, I know what saved me.

May God reunite us in the next life.

I love you all, remember that you will never be alone.

The pain is endless but do not become selfless.

These times are harder but you will bind stronger.

I believe in you.

Your existence is needed and your worth is underestimated.

Find yourself, Love yourself and better yourself.

Motivation

Lately, I’m not striving and it’s just hurting.

But that’s okay as it is my time of pain.

It was the 3rd year of the anniversary of my suicide attempt and everyone around me was laughing.

I have several other anniversaries coming up that are still triggering my sadness which is leading to some sort of madness.

There is no motivation which means no satisfaction which leads to several distractions.

I wish I could explain what this time entails.

It is the worst and I wish to not feel.

I wish I could heal but it is all so surreal.

I hope God will find me before I lose my mind.

This time is precious but I am no longer ambitious.

The reality, the loss of sanity are all breaking my fantasy.

But hopefully the next time I blog I am sharing something wiser and better.

So apologies for my inconsistencies and lack of postage, I still love you all.

I am just losing myself and hopefully, soon I will start choosing myself.

By the will of God, everything will fall into place.

Find yourself, Love yourself and better yourself.

Why can’t you be sad?

I haven’t been blogging because I’ve not been feeling.

It’s like everything should be stopped, so I can get other things started…

It’s like a never-ending wish; to begin and not allow a break-in.

I am stronger and better.

I have achieved a lot over a few months which feels like tons.

So now I wanna stop…

My motivation is dying because I haven’t reached my dream station.

I am my Lord’s creation and I have meaning.

So why should I stop?

Why should I neglect you from not feeling alone?

So let me stop guessing the future like a sore loser.

We all have our down days or period of times full of sadness and madness.

We need to accept that and not be too hard on ourselves.

What’s between our dreams is US.

Our dreams deserve time, nothing will happen overnight.

So build yourself and don’t let the blows hitting you make you slow.

You are more than capable, unbreakable and able.

What you feel others won’t,

What you understand others won’t.

So let others go, live your life.

Pray to God because He gave you this.

You won’t miss anything with Him by your side.

Nothing and nobody else will save you.

Have faith, you can do this.

I love you and you matter.

Find yourself, Love yourself and better yourself.

What?

You ask I tell.

You avoid and I get annoyed.

What do you expect when you said you’d check?

I hate the fact I try to just find out you lied.

Everyone is the same and everything will remain the same.

What can I do besides trying to stay sane?

Opening up is just speaking for no reason.

What happens when I say I’m not okay?

What will you do besides try and get me institutionalised or hospitalised?

Now please learn that our bridges are burnt.

God has me and that’s all I need now.

He will take the pain that I learnt.

He will make me better.

He is all we have.

Our Lord knows what lies in our hearts and minds.

Him who understands without you speaking.

Find yourself, Love yourself and better yourself.

How you see it

Perspective and aspect are vital.

It should be your title to achieve but before that, you need to believe.

The world is what you want to see not what you want it to be.

See what you need, to pursue and get through.

Don’t think about who just you.

Make yourself a priority and your mentality.

Your thoughts come first, don’t do this in reverse.

Follow your mind and kill the sorrow.

Do what you need to be in the lead.

We are all in competition and that should give you a sensation along with a sense of accomplishment.

You can do anything you want if you put your mind to it.

So find it and fight your tides.

You are enough.

It’ll be tuff, ruff and you’ll be scruffed.

But your success is what you make it.

So see it and pursue it.

Find your clues before you turn loose.

Find yourself, Love yourself and better yourself.

Actions & Reactions

What I do causes me to burn then learn.

I wish I could just love myself enough to not give a fuck.

But I give and don’t take, then wonder why I ache.

I think but don’t express.

It all just causes stress which goes so deep you can’t even guess.

I wanna stop…

but if I do I’ll drop.

So let’s hope we can keep going and stop moping.

I got this.

We got this.

The pain will change into many powers.

This life will be ours.

So love hard and forget the mourning dove.

Give and don’t think about getting.

Live your life to your satisfaction and ignore the other temptations.

Be your creation.

I love you and you are the strongest.

Find yourself, Love yourself and better yourself.

Differences

The changes are coming,

And I am taking them.

I will not fall down or be shut down.

The world is whatever I want it to be in my eyes.

This is my life with no one else’s choice.

I will fight and make myself right.

I will get what I deserve,

I will be heard.

From now on I am claiming and not asking.

By the will of God everything that is mine and will be falling from the skies.

Nobody will be tied to me.

I am my person and I am all I need.

May God bless us all with the need to live for ourselves more than anything else.

Find yourself, Love yourself and better yourself.

YOU

For you, I turn.

Without you, I burn.

Now you are my only concern.

For you I love but it is not enough.

How will I survive if you’re not in my life?

What can I do if it doesn’t include you?

Let’s fall into the dark abyss and forget we exist.

I’m broken but I’m sure I can share my tokens.

One day but not in this life;

Maybe it will be the afterlife.

Love from a distance.

Become hurt within an instance.

Adore your existence without resistance.

God will find and not divide.

He will create us if it is a must.

Do not doubt.

For you, I will give my last ounce.

Find yourself, Love yourself and better yourself.

888

It feels surreal to reach so far with all these scars.

3 figures with many triggers.

I was unstable but able.

Heartbroken but now outspoken.

Urging to hurt but trying to keep alert.

To feel alive without causing pain or change my aim.

My goal was to stop pretending and start trending, to start accepting and reaching.

But this lockdown has got me to shut down and not even soon will I touch down.

I’m clean and that’s the scene.

Eight hundred and eighty-eight days clean of self-harm and now it feels like a charm.

I am my strength and I will reach all lengths.

Believe and don’t grieve.

Start and don’t stop following your heart.

Don’t ever fall apart.

Find yourself, Love yourself and better yourself.

Your attitude…

There are times when everything may go downhill.

Like the weather, we have our ups and downs. Our peaks of the high and the leaks of the low.

We are allowed to feel such a way but what we are not allowed is to lose the attitude and mindset we gained whilst being positive through the ups.

We stay up and we stay going. It’s going to be hard but loving yourself is the first step to keep going.

To never stop, regardless of what comes in the way.

Whether that be disappointment, achievement or rejection.

Keep going. Yes, I say it every time. It’s true. and it’s all I can say when that’s all I can define.

You should enjoy yourself but not harm yourself and when I say this I don’t mean physically I mean mentally. The torture of being hard on yourself or having a good time in a manner than effects you in the long term.

You have to let go of yourself and be okay with whatever else it may be.

Forgive yourself, it wasn’t your fault.

Rejection, disappointment or achievement is only meant to help you go harder.

To keep fighting; to be stronger, happier and better than who you were before.

It’s hard but it won’t last.

Your happiness is your decision.

What you do will affect you in all the ways possible.

Keep the right attitude and never lose it. Try and refrain from that and keep going in the right direction even if it’s constant rejection at that moment.

You got this now make your list and be your gift.

Nobody will be there like yourself so hold on to all you got left of yourself.

YOUR EXISTENCE IS NEEDED AND YOUR WORTH IS UNDERESTIMATED.

I love you and I wish I would’ve known all this that I am telling you before, please don’t take my words lightly. You can achieve; just believe❤️

Find yourself, Love yourself and better yourself.

Who even cares?

I’m over 800 days clean but also nearly insane.

All that I stopped for them to keep ignoring. It’s like I’m chasing them to start realising.

What I’ve become…

How far I’ve come!

Why do I have to remind you, to see what you wanted me to be?

I got here without no help and at no cost.

I forced myself out of the hole that you made me choose but now I’m out you don’t even want to turn back and look.

I’m trying to do you proud but all you make me feel is down.

You don’t love nor am I enough.

I did all that you wanted for nothing but to be ignored.

Even though I love myself and I am where I am due to my own strength.

A little recognition won’t kill.

It’s like you’re punishing me for all my sins.

Please stop all these hints.

You won’t have to wish for my death; I’ll commit it.

One day I won’t be here and you’ll be just fine.

I don’t matter to you anymore and that’s fine.

You moved on and replaced me like a piece of furniture with no heart or part.

Why make me come so far just to be alone?

You aren’t with me so I’m losing and breaking.

Soon I will be leaving and you won’t be stopping.

One day I’ll commit all the things you wanted me not to…

OR

One day I’ll be all those things I told you I will be, my several careers and countless differences to the world. One day I’ll be there but I’ll always remember how I got there. Because of me. Nothing else. ME.

For me being the strongest and making myself the proudest.

I will be okay.

I will make sure of it.

I will go far or maybe ill stop.

Whatever the option; I know I did well.

I know my battle lasted and I tried. Now that is enough.

Find yourself, Love yourself and better yourself.

How draining it is to keep a bond you do not want

It’s so exhausting trying to keep maintaining those relationships that keep failing.

I keep giving but never be receiving.

I’m so tired of not being selfish, what have I put myself in?

You give once and they’ll keep trying to take, it’ll be endless and harmful.

I don’t know how to say no.

I feel like I’m their drug even though they take me for a mug and don’t love.

What even am I when they don’t appreciate and just dissociate and humiliate when it comes to me, it’s like they don’t want me to be but neither will they let me heal.

I give all of me for wishing for something but I get nothing.

My pain, my sadness, my problems…

It all feels never-ending like it’s just starting.

If you relate to this pain, I hope we soon feel a change.

I love you even when no one tells you, you will always be amazing in my eyes.

So repeat after me for our sanity:

– I am Important

– I am Loved

– I am Worthy

– I am Enough

Even when no one lets you know; remember my words and let me allow you to feel what you deserve.

What you need to hear to stop the fear.

I love you and soon YOU will heal.

Find yourself, Love yourself and better yourself.

Where is the end?

I’m trying to mend but we’re at a bend.

I’m hurting but trying to be healing.

Nothing is soothing nor helping.

The duplication is causing me manipulation.

The same days and ways.

The dark nights and no lights.

The pain and no change.

The lightless soul and lifeless mind.

Inner sadder which stems this badness.

Where is the way?

Show me today, peace and quiet so there is no riot.

Hopefully, I will be released, to feel at ease.

Find yourself, Love yourself and better yourself.

NOTHING feels real

I wish I could just heal and no longer fear.

I miss who I was but I love who I’m becoming.

We’re moving forwards but all I want is to go backwards.

The days are the same, the times never change and the same shit keeps happening and that’s making me insane.

I talk about this every time but it’s a feeling that makes me wanna cause a crime.

I wanna be more and not feel like a chore.

How can I stop this without endless pain and sadness?

I have to keep fighting and you will keep reading and others will be hoping.

We will keep going till everything else starts strengthening.

Find yourself, Love yourself and better yourself.

The process that causes this stress

I’m overthinking and sometimes I start sinking.

I’m doing better but also being that much sadder.

My urges and temptations become harder but I only become stronger.

This life is a mess and is our test.

I wish we could get out without causing any harm.

The numbness, the endless pain, the cycle of painful thoughts.

One day it will stop, may that be a miracle from God during this life or the afterlife.

One day everything will feel right.

Find yourself, Love yourself and better yourself.

An explanation to fix our relation

Lately, I’ve been confused and defused.

Lost and forgetting my own cost.

Trying but not able to be reaching.

I’ve not had much to do just a bunch to overthink about.

I’ve been trying to distract myself and love myself.

I’m improving on some things and removing other things from my life.

I’m apologising for my lack of posting.

I hope you are all well and thriving.

My love is forever with you; we will get through this.

Don’t be harsh on yourself, credit yourself.

Even through the lowest of lows. Your worth is only determined by yourself and nothing else.

I love you; keep going.

Find yourself, Love yourself and better yourself.

Part two of lockdown

We’re back where we started as a game of ludo.

In and out of my thoughts like an automatic door.

I wanna stop feeling because nothing is helping.

My mental health is being affected and my sanity is being tested.

The education is being flushed and the problems are not being resolved.

There’s no way out, only a way in.

I wish there was an end or a change.

I’m being negative because I’m so sensitive and there’s no alternative.

My hope is shattered and my dreams feel like they no longer matter.

How much longer will this go on?

Will we feel normal or continue feeling like a target?

Find yourself, Love yourself and better yourself.

Acceptance

I cut and let go, moved and focused.

Found me and crowned me.

I am more than I have ever felt.

I am deserving of all.

My own time, mind and shine.

Lights will find and goals will be assigned.

This limelight will only be mine.

Find yourself, Love yourself and Better yourself.

The night that causes me to find the light

From sleepless nights to continuous numbness, the silence and rain pouring.

The pain which makes me feel crazed.

The thoughts that roll around in my mind like a dice.

The urge that almost sends me to the verge.

The hurt that makes me not wanna feel.

I wish I could do what I’ve always wanted to.

Barriers and problems but no solutions.

Hopefully, I’ll receive all I need without tempting or begging.

We will be where we need to be without them because we have ourselves.

Find yourself, Love yourself and Better yourself.

Just a moment…

I have temptations that lead me to sensations.

Thoughts that open doors.

Tears that make me feel fear.

Random shakes that cause everything to be at stake.

I am nothing but a soul in denial within this aisle.

I take the wave to find a new aim.

I wanna heal and see everything as teal.

I wanna see growth within my soul.

All these feelings are still here and never leaving.

I’m protecting myself by removing myself.

Find yourself, Love yourself and Better yourself.

We go too hard

We try too hard because we don’t want to waste our love.

We try and adapt to their ways and lie to ourselves just so we can hold an idea of them.

We continuously lie to ourselves and forget the meaning of what you truly had.

It’s no longer hope that lays in our heart, it’s pain and lies.

I wish I could tell you I’m better at dealing with things like this but its human nature.

We’re all creatures who feature in each other’s lives and then become strangers.

I wish life had more meaning than a feeling to an end.

I have no idea what I’d like to hear but something that wouldn’t cause fear would be dear.

The only aspect of keeping me going is the fact that our Lord is near and here.

Find yourself, Love yourself and Better yourself.

Detox at any cost

Since the start of my detox, I’ve not felt much but lost.

I’m trying to part ways from all things that was normality for me but all I’ve done is cut ties and stopped living right.

I feel like having a social media detox won’t help me because sooner or later I’ll find my way back. I need to stop running away and deal with what’s around me instead of being scared and anxious.

This lockdown also made me reliant on my phone and the internet a lot more so now leaving all that I feel is just damaging me. I didn’t just delete have of the apps off my phone or deactivate, I also left multiple attachments and online friends.

Now I just feel lonely and it’s not just a random wave of loneliness or a realisation moment. It’s throughout the day, knowing I have no one and nothing.

I wish my life had more meaning than other people and objects. I’ve truly spent 4 days being alone in my own mind and trying to get through this time.

There isn’t a major difference but there is a change. I feel more intimate with my life. I’m taking control and not just letting it ride. I’m holding tight and not stopping the fight.

As much as I’m suicidal and want an end. I truly want to survive and live this life. I have goals and I am ambitious. I have differences and changes of images in my mind. I hope I find this light like it’s my knight.

Find yourself, Love yourself and better yourself.

Change and you will gain

Today is the start of my social media detox and my focus on myself to be more than precise. I struggle to take care of myself and make myself better.

So now I am going out my way to end all things that are wrong for me. Spiritually, emotionally and religiously.

I will begin to better my relationship with God first. I will not stop learning and growing within my religion.

There’s only so much that others can tell you and so much that God shows you.

I will also try and mend the little things like my sleeping pattern, my diet, my physical health and most importantly my mental health!

Hopefully, I won’t hesitate and give up mid-way through. I will find my way to who I am, to what my meaning is. To guide me in the most delicate of ways.

The hard way will always lead you to the right path. In life, the choices we make may hurt others and yourself but to understand the bigger picture, avoid misunderstandings and any further pain will teach you all you how to survive in this life.

We are each to our own, our opinions are all different and our choices are all our visions.

We will become better, slowly but surely. By the will of God, we will stop the badness and seek goodness.

Please work on yourself.

Yes, YOU.

YOU are so much more than you think. You are more than capable to do more. You can have it all but only your mind will fail you. Fix yourself instead of pointing at others. You got this.

Now repeat after me:

I am strong.

I am important.

I am loved.

I am amazing.

And I will reach my highest potential.

God loves you more than anything and anyone.

May God bless every one of us.

Find yourself, Love yourself and better yourself.

The blame of shame that causes this pain

Lately, I’ve realised how bad I treat myself, not only mentally. But emotionally by allowing myself to be treated the same by others.

By this, I mean being manipulated and then seeing no changes.

It’s like purposely being late and still making them wait.

The blame is their faults and damages but me owning and gaining possession is a puzzle. Why do I do this to myself like I’m just adding things onto a shelf?

Most of the times I’d brush it off like it’s nothing or I’ll add it to the bottle of things I want to hide and explore later tonight. Sometimes I might and other times I’d just like to appreciate the light.

Sooner rather than later I end up in the dark with my thoughts and blame myself.

I name myself for everything never letting anything pass. I feel like I’m always at fault at least for something even though I did nothing.

I try and join the dots or untie the knots but it all just falls back to me. All those things that others caused me but none of which can be named to you.

Now I’m not sure what causes me to do this, maybe it’s my past or my presence or the lack of self-love. I have no control over how I digest negative situations, I just cause a deflation within myself.

All this I’m naming isn’t for empathy nor sympathy. It’s for you to understand and not give yourself a backhand.

It’s for you to not feel alone and understand my tone.

Realise your mistake before you dive straight into a lake.

Hold onto the love for yourself or be careful when dealing it with someone else.

Stop blaming yourself for never being enough or not being more than.

You are trying and that’s tough but soon enough you’ll chuff and they’ll bluff.

Gather yourself together. You will be stronger.

Find yourself, Love yourself and better yourself.

The routine

Every day is felt the same and thinking about the next just makes me insane.

I try and plan my day but all I do is fail and repeat.

I try and better myself constantly but nothing works.

I don’t know how to feel when all I feel is nothing.

I feel nonexistent like I’m stuck in a moment and it’s on replay like Iyaz.

I just wanna touch the outside and feel something different, something normal.

I have so many dreams and ambitions but this moment right now is breaking me and damaging me.

I wish I could be better nor feeling insane or lame.

I’m sure I’ll be better or maybe just sadder.

I’ll come together soon enough and stop hurting by all this stuff.

I’m sure next time I’ll be lighter or brighter.

My prayers are with all of you.

I love you.

You matter.

Love yourself, Find yourself and better yourself.

Temporary happiness

It comes and it goes like the sun when there are clouds.

It makes me feel everything then want to let go of anything.

I wanna shoot and kill for all those that come in the way.

I stress so much that it leads to being upset.

I feel like every time I hit the high note someone tips me over into the water to drown and not be found.

Everyone causes me to have concerns and then suddenly they all give me burns. They all return to where they came from and forget I ever prayed and loved for them.

I give my all, knowing I’ll receive none.

Maybe I’m just that person that gives more or maybe I’m just me and that’s a feeling of sin.

I have to stand on my own feet and feel my shoe before anything becomes blue.

We have to love ourselves to let others acknowledge that we will never be tipped over again.

We will love till we fail to feel anything else.

We have to be enough for ourselves before giving these elves another chance.

Don’t let them get to you; nobody can beat you.

YOU are amazing.

YOU are important.

YOU are priceless.

Love yourself, find yourself and better yourself.

help…

I’m slowly beginning to fall off, into the deep dark hole I just came from.

I wish I could keep going or just be happy or just be okay.

Everything I loved has become everything I hate.

What do I do when all I feel is pain? I want to die and not feel, I wanna be nothing or anything but this.

I’m constantly facing the wars in my mind that are now wasting my time.

I’m so much stronger but I constantly feel that much weaker.

I know I will get through this but it all just feels never-ending and I’ve become hopeless at some stages.

During the first part of this blog, I truly felt out of sync like everything had a tint and I couldn’t see clearly but now I reached for help.

I continuously told myself I will get better by myself but I never did so here I am. Seeking for help and willing to find better even though taking that step makes me feel weaker.

So I hope this shows you that you can always seek for more or anything you need. You can find anything and everything you want; the world is your oyster.

Keep fighting, keep going.

You got this more than ever!

I love you and you matter! Don’t wait for too long, if you need the help please access it and reach it. Even with the doubt in your mind and the negative thoughts all over.

It’s all a sign for you to become better and so much stronger.

Here are some websites and contact information when you are feeling extremely low or not yourself. Also, don’t be scared to contact me or comment. Everything can be anonymous. Your mental health is my priority.

Childline, you may think this is for quite a young audience but they offer to the age of 19.

They offer 24-hour service for all young adults. You also can check their website for any information or help.

Website: https://www.childline.org.uk/

Phone: 0800 1111 (you will not be charged, it is a freephone)

Kooth is a provider that is for all ages! They are an online provider for help or advice, alongside counselling. Kooth is also a free instant messaging through the internet from 12 pm till 10 pm on weekdays and 6 pm till 10 pm on weekends.

Website: https://www.kooth.com/

The mix is free information and support for under 25’s in the UK. It includes a 1-2-1 chat, which is online counselling and also a crisis messenger for those in need.

Website: https://www.themix.org.uk/

Phone: 0808 808 4994

The Samaritans is another service that is ready to listen to you, however, this is not online this is via phone. They are also open 24/7, 7 days a week and 365 days a year!!

Website: https://www.samaritans.org

Phone: 01484 116 123

For information on anxiety or depression or suicidal thoughts:

https://www.giveusashout.org/get-help/?gclid=CjwKCAiA8K7uBRBBEiwACOm4dzO6OVPtg82z9ht0pRKMWHfkYXUQ8gS3YOKC_mmatOcgRhOTZqSMeRoCRxEQAvD_BwE

https://youngminds.org.uk/find-help/conditions/anxiety/

https://www.supportline.org.uk/problems/depression/

https://www.runawayhelpline.org.uk/advice/suicidal-thoughts/

Love yourself, find yourself and better yourself.

Abuse

It isn’t just physical and that’s what many people lack an understanding of.

It can be psychological or emotional abuse, discriminatory abuse, organisational or institutional abuse. The list can go on but the point is that not everything is visible and sometimes it is mental torture and disturbance.

Abuse has a variety of ways to be formed and to be caused.

What we do tend to is brush off verbal abuse. It’s horrific and diabolical but it’s also acceptable in this day and age we are living. This generation has normalised disrespecting each other as it’s their way of communicating in a foul manner.

What we forget is that something so little can cause so much. The slightest discrimination or unnecessary negative comment can stay on someone’s mind constantly and you’ll never know or the one-off slap you give to an individual can bruise their mentality into thinking this is normality and pass the abuse on.

We all learn from others, we adapt and gain knowledge from what other people do. Everything we have learnt right now is all to do with imitating and watching observations.

We forget that we have an impact on every little thing we do.

Abuse isn’t normal and it neither should be normalised.

Stop treating others with disrespect because you fail to be kind. Don’t cause a negative brainstorm on their mind and neither should you be blind of what you do.

If you are someone witnessing or a victim of abuse. Please reach out, seek for help and gain a way out. You are stronger than you think and you will get through it.

Here are some links and numbers to help you:

Domestic Abuse Helpline – 0808 802 3333

Refuge Helpline – 0808 2000 247 (24 hours)

Domestic and sexual abuse helpline – 0808 802 1414

Home

Home

http://www.lovedontfeelbad.co.uk/

Scotland’s domestic abuse and forced marriage helpline

Raw emotions

Hi, it’s been a while since we had a heart to heart with pure, RAW emotion. I’ve had many rough patches.

I’m trying to survive whilst war is still in my mind.

I’m trying harder than you can imagine to just ignore thoughts.

I’ve never felt so lost or at lost as I have now.

I wish I knew how I could stop this pain but instead every time I try to figure out I become insane.

The source is the pandemic for worsening my mental health and nothing more. I’m losing my education from one side and my sanity from another. Nothing is harder than this.

I begin to get better and slowly come off the rails like a child with bad behaviour. I don’t need a favour just the world to feel the same. It wasn’t the best but it was normal. The normality of leaving the house without a mask or a worry on your mind.

Now some are not even kind and others are just fighting their tides.

I wish I had a glue to fix this all and make it all blue. I wish change could happen overnight but nothing will change this fright.

I hope for better and never let go of prayer.

I hold on to the thought that God is testing my patience to make me stronger and if there is anyone who can serve a miracle it is Our Creator, The Maker.

Don’t ever stop fighting or pause your war, don’t hurt yourself or overwhelm. It is all to test your faith in your Lord. So face your heart where it should be, focus on what matters not what shatters.

YOU are the strongest you’ve ever been, so I need you to hold on a little tighter and keep going. you are more than enough, you are loved and you are most definitely important. This wave of hurt and pain will soon end. Have faith and never let go.

I made that mistake and there was nothing more I hated and regretted. I let myself down more than anything. So here is your reminder.

To keep going…

To keep fighting..

To keep loving even when your heart hurts.

Mental Health Awareness

Hello, I hope you are well and not struggling like a broken belt without the holes you need.

Today is Mental Health Day and within this, it is all about being kind to others and sharing what’s on your mind if it’s troubling you.

Do not keep struggling when the help you need is out here, there are many different sites and facilities ready to help.

Reach out and if you can’t seem to find anything yourself your GP can refer you to the right place without you having to chase.

Here are some websites which may help you when you feel extremely low or upset.

Childline, you may think this is for quite a young audience but they offer to the age of 19.

They offer 24-hour service for all young adults. You also can check their website for any information or help.

Website: https://www.childline.org.uk/

Phone: 0800 1111 (you will not be charged, it is a freephone)

Kooth is a provider that is for all ages! They are an online provider for help or advice, alongside counselling. Kooth is also a free instant messaging through the internet from 12 pm till 10 pm on weekdays and 6 pm till 10 pm on weekends.

Website: https://www.kooth.com/

The mix is a piece of free information and support for under 25’s in the UK. It includes a 1-2-1 chat, which is online counselling and also a crisis messenger for those in need.

Website: https://www.themix.org.uk/

Phone: 0808 808 4994

The Samaritans is another service that is ready to listen to you, however, this is not online this is via phone. They are also open 24/7, 7 days a week and 365 days a year!!!

Website: https://www.samaritans.org

Phone: 01484 116 123

For information on anxiety or depression or suicidal thoughts:

https://www.giveusashout.org/get-help/?gclid=CjwKCAiA8K7uBRBBEiwACOm4dzO6OVPtg82z9ht0pRKMWHfkYXUQ8gS3YOKC_mmatOcgRhOTZqSMeRoCRxEQAvD_BwE

https://youngminds.org.uk/find-help/conditions/anxiety/

https://www.supportline.org.uk/problems/depression/

https://www.runawayhelpline.org.uk/advice/suicidal-thoughts/

Prioritise yourself. Mental health is just as important as physical health!

Do not be ashamed to ask for help because if you won’t ask YOU WON’T GET!

Pure pain in this lane

All I do is try and everyone else remains blind, so let me just start to cry.

They forget who I was in the past and expect more because I’ve already torn myself for them.

I wish I didn’t do this to myself and want to make everyone else happy instead of me.

Their expectations will only get higher and I’ll just become sadder.

I was running away from myself because I was scared to see what I’d find.

Now I’m sadder than ever because I never loved myself enough.

I don’t know how to react anymore because either way, they’ll just attack.

I focus on the pain because it’s the only thing that’s real. That makes me feel.

What have I become?

Full of broken thoughts that can never be repaired.

I wish I wasn’t compared to the rest of the world.

I still have faith, one day I’ll have everything I want. My Lord will shower me with blessings and I’ll never feel such a way again. All my prayers will have answers.

I will feel peace, I will claim what is mine.

some pain in my brain

My scars, my past and my presence everything is aching.

I want to be better but I just become sadder and much more madder at myself.

All that helps is a prayer that makes me a little saner.

My heart is incapable to love and my brain is inescapable of this negativity.

I am stuck like glue and all I want to do is die.

But a part of me is holding on.

Holding on like nothing matters because all this pain will make the change and this sadness will turn into happiness.

Maybe even a part of me inside will be okay.

Maybe all this pain will come to an end and it won’t be that someone will attend my funeral. It will be me that’s somewhat amended.

All that’s in my mind is a war and sometimes I can never close this door.

It’s ongoing and never finishing. I wish I was in control of this soul.

This black hole will see light.

My Lord will make sure of it. He promised me and He is all that will save me. He is the only one that can change us, fix us and better us.

”So, remember me, I will remember you.”

Seek help through prayer and never through people.

2 Years

I’ve been clean for two years and mean to myself for all of them.

I feel like the urge is creeping whilst I’m breaking.

This night I spend on my own, without a soul to tell me my worth.

I have no one.

I have nothing.

I feel like nothing.

Nobody is acknowledging this pain I’m feeling nor the sadness that lies in between my breasts.

I want at least one person, just one to see my sadness without me expressing.

I wish someone saw how far I came without me saying.

But I’ll always be that person for myself, my person. I will be what I look for in everyone else.

I will be stronger; I promise.

My story will always continue.

You are not ALONE

It isn’t only you.

It isn’t only me.

We are never alone.

It’s all of us. Together.

This is my blog to include space for all.

No judgements, just pure emotions and to hit the topics that are turned a blind eye to.

Do not ever feel nobody feels what you feel or doesn’t understand what you understand.

Here I am wording my pain which makes sense to many of you reading. So why do you tell yourself that nobody understands if what I write makes sense?

I know the bubble you are in right now is hurting. I know your heart is aching. I know your soul is slowly breaking. I know your tears are expiring. I know there’s no meaning to life anymore.

But believe me. We will fight this illness, these damaging thoughts and these constant harmful emotions.

I promise you we will make it out.

You aren’t alone.

You reading this right now.

I love you, you have me.

We will make it out of the darkness and all those heartless thoughts. I want you to fight like hell for your life because YOU.

YOU ARE PRECIOUS.

YOU?

Y E S

YOU ARE WORTH IT.

Every little bit my love, do not underestimate yourself.

I just wanna feel something…

Lately I’ve been stuck in my own mind, my thoughts on loop and my emotions on shuffle.

I am dead inside and feeling invisible when I walk.

I feel like this life isn’t mine.

I just want to feel something. Something real, something exciting, something that makes me want to exist.

In the back of my mind are all of these dangerous ways to how to tie myself or lie to everyone else about my health.

Sometimes I crave to feel alive and others I’m brave enough to be alive.

Nobody understands the pain within my mind it’s like everyone’s blind.

It’s like I’m explaining to a 2-year-old toddler who doesn’t understand English and only understands gibberish.

All my feelings are a mess and my thoughts only lead to one destination. I hope I don’t lose my battle. I hope one day I read this back as my “happy self.”

I pray one day I’ll be better and none of this will matter.

My thoughts will fade away and the blade will never be in the way.

All these people

There is over 7 and a half billion people on this earth… but not one can understand me.

I’m constantly hurting and then realising that nobody is worth my love.

All the love I have is priceless but not one has ever stopped.

Not one has ever appreciated my affection or the extra mile I take or the extra everything I do.

They ignore and leave but all we do is try please.

We fall apart by keeping them together.

We make them the reason we stay alive but they are the reason we break once more.

I wish sometimes someone could understand all these words without asking about all the stories.

I wish someone could see me being more.

Being better.

He knows what you reveal and what you conceal so why I am trying to find someone who can try to find what I conceal?

I guess what I want is a stronger bond and relation with the Almighty. That’s all.

I pray for your health and well-being, whoever you are. Keep going. You are doing amazing. I love you.

The heartache and pain within all my body

This pain isn’t just physical it’s mental and spiritual. It does so much within that it makes everything inside spin. I have nothing. I have no one and during times like these, I tend to go back to those who hurt me. But I know… I know I shouldn’t. I know I am so much more.

So here I am. Breaking down as I type. Dying inside whilst you read my words. Slowly trying to catch my breath. Realising I deserve so much than I’ve ever had.

I miss what I had with people but then I remember how poisonous they were towards me.

All I do is love extremely, open my arms to everyone widely and hurt myself immensely.

Sometimes I wish I was more and others I am grateful to go through this pain. It all takes time and tonight I am more than thankful for this pain. Our almighty gave me this to use it, to learn, to listen to his message. This world cannot save me.

No therapist or medication will cure me. Only the Lord shall. I am turning my sadness into power once again. Facing towards the Creator.

This pain will make sense one day.

If you’re reading this and share my pain with these words. I’m sorry. Not sorry for the experiences because they made you the strongest you’ve ever been.

I am sorry that you haven’t found the peace like I have. I want you to read carefully. That homely feeling you are trying to find in everyone else is in Prayer. It is by the Knower Of Secrets.

Turn yourself in the right way. I believe in you. Keep going. Your power is your pain.

This is another night that I saved myself. Only with the power by the Most High.

Pray before it’s too late.

I love you.

You matter.

Lonely…

It’s often when I’m sat in a group or someone mentions something that reminds you of something I once had. The love I gave someone and they wasted. All the time and energy that now means nothing. Not a relationship; just all those failed friendships.

I give my all and receive none. I’m fine with it now. I realised to be different you have to be built differently. Not everyone will love or treat you the same way. You have to acknowledge that the love you give is because it’s something you never feel. You want to give without thinking about what you’d get.

This is how my loneliness started. I let go when they did, I stopped fighting and begging and started realising I’m worth much more. The friendships I had I let go because I deserve so much more. I don’t have faith in any more but I do know that the Almighty is saving me.

There’s nights and days where I regret not having a friend but then I come to terms with myself again. I did that, I caused that to be better. My loneliness was scary at first and now is aching but what I remember is that I’m saving my self from so much hurt.

The loneliness isn’t just a feeling, it’s my surroundings and my way of life. I left it all to be enough for me. To be better on my own than with those who just moan.

Days will go of emptiness and the nights will be full of darkness I’ll miss what I could have but my worth is so much more. I let go for better and will be better.

So whatever you’re feeling, the emptiness. The loss of people. The heartbreak. The loneliness. The pain. The constant war within your mind, remember why they don’t deserve you. Use this time wisely and focus on what matters. Your health and wealth and the aftermath of your death.

Keep going; do not rely on others besides the one who brought you to this world. Our Almighty and our Lord.

I believe in you.

Don’t allow your thoughts to tell you otherwise, you are doing amazing.

I love you.

You matter.

Coping Mechanisms

Well here we go… not everything works for everyone. Like my journey, I dropped everything and fell in love with Allah. That might not work for you.

Everything we do is different. What you like I may dislike.

My first bit of advice is to figure out what YOU want. This could be anything your life that you’ve been seeking for a while. Find it, hold it and keep it. The littlest thing you can find could give you a major change of emotions.

My second is to ALWAYS distract yourself. Often we find ourselves drowning in our thoughts when we are laying in our beds or sat doing absolutely nothing whilst staring at the ceiling.

You need to keep your mind running like a game, you don’t let it stop. But the key to this is not to think about the past or people. It’s about you. Your future. Explore you mind and figure what you like.

When you’re laying or sitting or walking always distract yourself when you feel a sad wave coming along. I tend to remind myself why I am where I am and then end the topic between my mind but that isn’t all the time. On other occasions I’d overthink about why I allow myself to feel such a way but it’s human so I let it be.

Another key coping mechanism I’ve adapted into is knowing that my emotions are valid. I cannot cut them off and throw them far away, even though I want to. I have to be okay with having them. Sometimes you have to allow yourself to be sad. You have to cry, you have to find an outlet for your pain but that never is self-harm. I cry and let things go. This may seem excessive but every other day I breakdown so my sadness doesn’t build up and my feelings aren’t hurt. I allow myself to move on after my breakdown but the key thing about crying is letting go and acknowledging that my sadness and constant urges are within the moment of temporary.

Another coping mechanism I use is praying. Yes, it sounds basic. Yes you may believe it does nothing or you feel it hadn’t “worked for me” but I assure you. I was you at one point. I dropped my faith and forgot my Lord existed. We push and push and finally, we see a change within our faith. Please do not make it too late and pray. I promise you as a survivor this is my BIGGEST coping mechanism. You need to turn to God. As much as you don’t like it or feel like it does “nothing.” It is the answer to all your emotions. The homely feeling you are looking for in other people is in Him. Our Almighty. The love you want to feel is in Him. I promise.

Please do not give up. You started for a reason. Whatever reason it was; I believe in you.

You will make it to where you want. From this bottom of the mountain right to the perk of where we all want to be.

I promise you, we will be okay.

Together, whoever you are. We will do this. You will make it and the anxiety or depression or whatever you have will not take over again. You will be in charge of your thoughts.

I love you. Whoever you are, my doors are always open. The help you need is here and for my survivors who constantly feel the urge like me… We all started for a reason and it wasn’t to stop.

Suicidal

I’m constantly hurting. Somewhat dying.

All inside which none of you can see.

I’m tired of fighting my wars and being questioned on my scars.

I want to be happy and enough but all I am is sad and rough.

I hope I get better. I pray I get better.

I wish one day I am.

We will fight through this, together.

We will all get through this pain and suffering.

The heartbreaks and the people that left and all those times we were never enough.

One day we will be. I promise you. I say this whilst I’m breaking down myself. We will be okay. All of us. Every one of us.

Our path

I met an amazing person. I’m not going to mention their name or what our relation was. However, this person was a reflection of me. They were all I ever needed and wanted.

Sometimes life sends you in different directions, you grow off each other and Alhamdulilah I grew of this person so much that my intentions changed so much. I had to leave them because I loved them too much. Also for the sake of Allah.

Now nothing makes sense but I’m aware that this is a test and my Lord will connect us again. I hope this person remembers my love and nothing else.

It doesn’t matter what I do, everything I see or touch or even talk about I think of them. This amazing human being that got me to where I am now.

If you are reading this…

YOU ARE THE REASON I BELIEVE IN LOVE.

Everything will be fine, The Almighty will fix it all in due time and Inshallah we will both find our paths interact again.

However, if this is someone else reading my feelings and my pain. Remember that if it distracts you from Allah it is not the one. You cannot find Allah through another soul for them. You have to have the right intentions and let go.

Stop letting the Dunya affect you and find Islam again. Fear Allah and stop the sins or even the little things that take you away from salah or cause you to delay salah. Remove yourself from those people for Allah and one day. Just one day. You’ll meet again.

Pray before it’s too late and gain your faith once again.

Find yourself, build yourself and love yourself.

The presence of others

It’s sometimes not enough and sometimes it’s too much.

As long as their around you’re happy but as soon as they leave it’s pure sadness.

You expect the worst but hope for best.

You want it to last and never end… But that sadly is the test.

You believe that they’ll never leave or you’ll never become apart but the truth is everything falls apart in life.

The presence of others warms you and makes you feel at ease and somewhat at peace. I understand you want someone to feel what you feel and help you heal.

But it always starts from within.

Love yourself, build yourself and find yourself.

A realization of faith

I realised by forcing myself to fall in love with the world instead of My Creator, The Maker, The Almighty. I broke myself. I tested myself continually to find something that already broke me.

I tried to find peace and love and the hole in my heart that was missing to be fulfilled by others and objects of the world rather than Allah.

I fell off my path before I stood on my own two feet and many months later I am realizing this. That I am at fault. Nobody else. My desire to fight for something and someone that never did the same and then complain.

I let this world betray me and the people of it. I allowed myself to attach myself to everything temporary when knowingly all I needed was in front of me.

Right here. The Creator, The Maker, The Sustainer, The most merciful.

Our Lord.

Allah Sbt.

If you are reading this please pray before it’s too late, please find Allah instead of everything materialistic in this world. The temporary humans and temptations that’s are shown to you, ignore them and head to The Almighty.

I want you to face your heart to Allah Sbt and nothing else. Everything that is set in place, halal or haram is for our own benefit. It is a barrier to stop us from harming ourselves and once we step over these barriers we become weak and negative. We become further from our Creator and we lose everything we built.

So stop falling in love with what others have and wishing bad things upon yourself. Pray and face your heart to Allah. The most merciful. Continue to live and realize that even in sadness there is good.

Our paths are towards Allah.

Pray and keep hold of your faith, have Sabr (patience).

Verbal Abuse

It causes bruises inside your mind. You may think of it as something so light but for someone else that might end them.

Yes, their words but is there any need to tear them apart mentally?

You all think of verbal abuse as nothing just because you cannot see it physically because it’s hurting mentally.

Maybe this is normality for you because you’re used to it but the pain you once felt by hearing the verbal use is exactly what they felt.

It’s the littlest thing you can do to hurt someone, it’s telling them their clothes are ugly and you never know… That’s all they may have. It’s telling them they’re a piece of shit when they are more than you can ever be.

So don’t let them melt and don’t be amused because right now they are feeling used. Just with your words and the letters that fell off your tongue to tell something that just stung.

Be less of a dick and stop taking the piss. Let others keep living even without giving the insults and slight negativity.

But if you aren’t the dick in the picture and you are exactly like me. Keep going, soon you will realize that you are more than ever.

Don’t let the words wrap around your head like sticky honey, let them go like the Bees and achieve more than you can ever think.

I am proud of your journey. You will fight this huge rain cloud, storm cloud and war cloud.

You are amazing just keep achieving…

Love yourself, build yourself and find yourself.

THE LOCKDOWN IS MAKING ME SHUTDOWN!

The first thought that may come to your mind is “it’s not that bad!” but living with vulnerable family members and trying to keep sane and not create any pain IS MORE THAN DIFFICULT.

My safe place was to be travel alone and be alone but now I am with everyone and everything. I cannot leave my house because I’m bigger than a mouse. Everyone will realise and I cannot lie to my own blood and cause an unnecessary flood.

My thoughts, my demons and all these people. All at once.

Being alone in a crowd is no longer a feeling. I am now alive and feeling. Before I was numb and under the thumb. I also hate this feeling. The chaos and the sadness is now building further and higher.

I’d sit down on the toilet and feel peace but then boom there’s someone talking again. I cannot feel no peace or feel at ease. I’m not allowed out or to bring anything in; just for everyone to be safe. I want to be normal and to be happy.

I wonder how you all are, broken or happy or sad.

I am falling apart more than ever, needing help. I’m not sure how am I am alive but I am definitely wowed.

I am 607 days clean of self-harm but every hour of this lockdown I experience another thought. Everything else I see causes me a trigger. I could look at a string and imagine how long it would would take for my blood to stop pumping if I tied it around my neck and went to bed. I’d see a glass bottle and want to smash it and lash out. I’d see a blank cloth and imagine how my funeral would be.

But the last thing I have to say is that; I am at war but I will survive. I am a warrior and I will fight. I am the Queen of my thoughts and I will decide what remains. I will rule these thoughts and make them shoo. I will let go and bet that I will be stronger.

I believe in myself.

All this I and YOU are fighting.

We will get through this.

Together we can be better.

Love yourself, Find yourself and better yourself.

The instinct and the feeling

when you’re in a friendship or a relationship you always feel something bad is about to happen… I can’t be the only one!

it’s like every time i gain a beautiful, unbelievable bond it just changes my perspectives by showing me the negativity that may be involved. i’d go to such extents to just find a minor problem or create an issue because of what?

THIS SMALL LITTLE GUT FEELING. it eats me alive once i start feeling it, for whatever reason i do. it makes me cold and causes me to be heartless and then BOOM.

i’ve lost everything i just wanted for more than eternity and binned it. threw it away based on a instinct.

i overthink and i over do everything negatively. once i create this foundation of something will go wrong, i brace myself and find it and leave. But that’s when i realise i was bang out of order.

i blame myself, i fight myself and go to war AGAIN.

so here i am, at war with myself…

Lost within myself

i’m not sure where to start but here it is…

i’m lost and i’m pushing myself from everything and everyone possible.

i’m using this pandemic as an excuse to isolate from the outside world as much as i can. this includes me cutting outside contact and those few bonds i thought will last forever didn’t. this affected me insanely and still is.

i have no one. nobody to talk to or to open up to and even when i do open up i feel like the most heaviest burden i could be on someone.

so i stopped telling and sharing my pain, i’m suffering in silence without help nor any input.

i’m falling apart and there’s not much to say.

my escape was to leave the house and walk for hours and travel on my own, i enjoyed it so much. now that i can’t and haven’t is breaking my heart. i haven’t stepped into a store for over a month, this includes the local corner shop.

i’m not wanting anyone to relate or anything, i’m just leaving this here for those people that may need it.

we are all falling apart one way or another. so let’s find hope together.

Numb

We all want to numb our feelings and our emotions, somehow and someway we all find the same solution.

Drugs..

Medication to other substances to plants to pills, we all want something that will make us whole and forget about the things that should be forgotten.

But the truth is IT DOES NOT LAST.

It’s temporary.

We need to find inner peace from what we are running away from.

The acceptance will make you feel content, knowing that you acknowledge your faults and are happy to apologise to yourself. That will make you feel better rather than drugs and temporary escape routes you are planning constantly.

You resent to something that is temporary along with dangerous. Something that isn’t peaceful just different. The risk of doing such a thing suggests you want power along with feeling alive.

You want to be whole and more.

But believe me using something that is temporary and not fulfilling will lead to addiction till you feel full and that moment is never promised.

Whatever you are fighting, wherever you are in the darkness.

The light will find you. You will be better and happier.

Give it time and everything will fall back in place, forgive yourself for the sins you commit.

Find peace within yourself and create a beast.

Temporary Pain

It hurts but i’m dealing with it. I’m struggling but i’m making it through.

We can all carry on complaining whilst we’re suffering but that’s not you trying.

You’re allowing your thoughts to you, ignore them and the demons inside because you’re stronger and better.

I’m aware that you don’t feel rare so why are you not letting yourself be spare?

Stop beating yourself up for things that are not your fault, stop entering the darkness when you have a choice.

Let yourself free instead of locked with the thoughts of your dangerous mind.

As often as i say you are priceless and you are enough. You need to find out what brings you back to life.

Do more or do less, do whatever makes you better.

Don’t make it too late OR you’ll lose your faith.

happiness <3

It’s way more than you think, it’s not love or someone else’s presence. It’s loving yourself and being able to stop something toxic from happening.

Happiness is being content, having a relationship with God and not giving up with the plan that’s made for you.

You keep going and regardless of the outcome you keep wanting more and better. You want less and wanna be more, you want to speak less and listen more.

Happiness is about putting yourself first as much as you put all the others first. You set yourself priority. You know exactly what you want.

You have what you want. But the best part is how you got it.

You worked for it and you found it.

Do what’s best for you, have faith in god and the plan that’s in place for you.

Love yourself and the rest.

You are enough, You are more.

Love

Love is something different and something exciting. It makes you anxious and at times depressed when you aren’t receiving what you want from the opposition.

Love is also everything you’ve been looking for but now you’ve found it you’re too scared to hold on. You feel like it won’t work out or something terrible will take place.

But you have to remember, love is more.

Love is commitment, trust and loyalty and many more things. What’s important amongst all of this is the foundation… How was it built? Was it forceful? Is it hard currently?

So many feelings and differences but yet you could love this person the same. The arguments and anger doesn’t mean anything when the love is more.

It’s priceless and beautiful.

It’s more and not less.

Scars

They’re hard to show and hard to accept. But you have to do what you want to do. You shouldn’t need to be asking for validation and forgiveness from others for your mistakes and your sadness.

What you went through is a part of you. Something that may still hurt you. Something that may still shame you. Something that may still embarrass you. But you will get through and be the fighter and survivor you have.

You didn’t come all this way to only come this far.

Keep going.

Whatever hurts and brings you sadness let it beIt’s all a part of you, stop feeling the need to be accepted by everyone and everything.

Believe in yourself and find the love you’re wanting to give others. Give your all to yourself, love and appreciate yourself. Be affectionate with yourself. Treat yourself. Take care of yourself.

You are more than precious. Regardless of what anyone says. You are more than worthy. You are priceless. You are everything and more.

I believe in you.

Faith

it hurts but i’m dealing with it.

i’m struggling but i’m making it through.

we can all carry on complaining whilst we’re suffering but that is not you trying.

you’re allowing your thoughts to eat you, to hurt you and change you.

ignore them, as simple as it sounds i am aware it is much more harder and confusing.

but you are strong and better, something that truly matters. have faith in yourself before you have yourself stuck in a maze.

i’m aware that you don’t feel rare but why not let yourself be spare?

as often as i say you’re priceless and you’re enough. you need to find out what brings you back to life. you need to find you and your path.

do more or do less.

do whatever helps you be better.

Don’t make it too late OR you’ll lose your faith.

Attachment

Being attached to others is completely normal till you itch and bitch about what they do with others.

Attachment isn’t about continuously wanting to be with them, it’s overthinking if they are safe and secure in their environment in that moment.

It’s trying to make them happy without them realising how much you do, they think it’s you being friendly. But the truth is, you want and need them.

If it’s not them it’s nothing. You rely on them because the make you feel safe and secure and protected. The bond and connections you both have is beautiful, it makes you more than happy.

The protection and the security is all an individual wants to feel in a friendship/relationship. It’s essential, it’s needed, it’s wanted.

It’s what we all require but in this generation these basics aren’t given. So when we receive the basics we love it and we appreciate it to the point where the individual who is providing you the basics stops because they think it’s enough.

In this day and age, this is what happens.

When you hit the happy moment or the slight positivity you expect it to be everlasting and that is our fault.

It’s all our fault for allowing so little mean so much but i guess that’s just the few of us who look for the genuine side to reality. Not the materialistic money or 5 bedroom house or a car or a wallet that is full to the point it’ll rip.

We require the realistic and genuine side of love and bonds.

We want what will remain and stay forever and not just for now.

bonds and connections

Without a constant bond on a daily basis with another human we won’t survive. An example of this is growing and living your life and then realising your family can’t be one of those of the daily and constant connections.

So you let loose and try find what’s best for you. Yet you still have have no idea what the slightest connection you are looking for could be.

You look for love but find lust.

You want love but you find sexual connections.

You want consistency but find something that’s incompatible.

Everything you need, you cannot find.

Maybe it’s you, maybe it’s your surroundings, or maybe it’s nothing and your time will come when it comes.

Don’t doubt yourself; But remember when it’s good it’s great.

Don’t hold on to something that’s already died in your hands. Don’t like the way it hurts. Don’t be taken for granted. You are more. You are priceless. You are enough.

Build yourself, Love yourself and Focus on yourself.

words on words

i’m suffocating on my breath, it’s 6am and i’m thinking about sleeping whilst weeping.

i’m not happy but i’m not exactly unhappy.

i cannot explain what i feel or what i hear.

it doesn’t make sense and i don’t feel the need to ask for help.

because i’m hurting and constantly crying it’s not enough until you see it physically yourself.

i love myself and i hate myself, in ways you’ll never be able to understand.

i’m trying and that’s all i can keep doing.

Numb

i’m tired of feeling but not feeling.

it’s like being in the dark and seeing a light but it constantly disappearing. something similar to flickering.

but that leads to more than disappointment.

it’s consistent hope and faith being broken, it’s complete dissatisfaction. it’s the split second you’re happy but then you come to realisation that you’re absolutely not.

being numb isn’t something that can be worded.

i’m in pain, the thoughts are aching me and hurting me.

i’m feeling pain, on holding on.

i don’t feel the same, it’s just pain.

so numb.

the thoughts and the pain within

it’s hard to explain but i guess most things that happen in your mind and that you feel in your heart are hard to explain.

i can never find the right words but i’m trying for you to understand. you reading this right now. please understand your worth and your price.

i learnt the hard way of the worth and the price of myself, it’s hard i know but it’s key. it’s what you need to unlock your full potential. you need yourself before you gain another. you have to take it slow because it all takes more than time. don’t worry and don’t be silly, do not blame yourself constantly for someone else’s mistakes or faults.

but back to my thoughts and the pain within me…

the thoughts are something out of control, unexpected, unneeded and unnecessary. but still we deal with the thoughts and the excess emotions that then cause pain.

the pain is like heartburn, you can’t explain how it feels or how it affects you. it’s there but it’s invisible.

you learn what’s better and good for you when you fix your thought process. naturally you gain a better understanding of how and what to do when you receive the random waves.

you distract, you move away, you do more than you are already and you definitely find a way back into yourself.

you will be better when you put yourself first, only first.

Fine

several times i smile, multiple times i hide my pain and constantly i isolate myself.

i do so much, cause too much.

you’ll never understand why it has caused so much.

the longer i want to shed tears the harder it is to deal with the pain.

the less i do causes a huge mess, i want to die but we all know that isn’t right.

i stop myself hoping for a miracle or something not so diabolical.

i want to cry, i want to die but here i am acting all fine.

maybe its me, maybe its you.

but once again lets live through this night and not let a soul know i cannot see the light.

i am fine.

Sunset’ Sunrise

This is for all of you that struggle to sleep and wake.

It is you who hates sleeping because hell will continue when you wake.

It is the difference between the air now and then.

It is the change you remember from the past couple of nights, it is the heartbreak you realise that you are not good enough.

It is everything you ignore but yet choose to wonder during nights like these.

It is more than everyone else thinks.

It is flashbacks, memories, pictures, thoughts and feelings that all come back. It is what hurts but yet keeps you going. You feel less but you are more, you never have a clear understanding but let me show you.

How you hurt yourself with your thoughts by yourself. You are in control so stop convincing yourself about the hell you will see at the rise, find yourself and realise it is all lies. Nothing but lies because it is another day, another day you will rise and shine.

You will be better and more and everything above, you will find a way out from these thoughts and demons.

The hell will stop and demon will run, you will find a way out within yourself.

Let the hell find itself. Not you.

“Good Enough”

Nothing ever makes you feel this way besides validation and reassurance. Maybe that is just me personally but I feel like being good enough or being somewhat worthy is always about others who are around you and how you feel you need to be or what expectations you need to reach.

If you don’t ever reach a certain limit you feel like you are less or more because of what you are achieving or not achieving. This is all based on the concept of reaching for something of being better than someone else. It is like being in a race or competition with everything and everyone. You have to be first, not second or third because that’s not good enough.

You constantly look at yourself and wish your waist was a little thinner and your hair was longer and you was shorter.

You are never content with yourself. Nobody is because enough isn’t enough. When we achieve or get more WE WANT MORE. That is what being good enough is, it is hurting yourself mentally by lying to yourself that you are not enough. You feel the need to consistently feed yourself the lies because you can do better or that your neighbour or babysitter is earning more or is doing more.

You compare yourself like you are a piece of bread or wood but little do you know that you are more than enough. There is no reason to compare like bread and wood. There is all the reason in the world to love and adore yourself and nor hate or be bitter towards yourself.

You want to “Be Enough” for others but not yourself. Everything you choose to do is for others and not for yourself. You are not true to yourself. You do not put yourself first so how do you expect someone else to?

Please stop trying to “Be Enough” be more FOR YOU. Not for those who choose to forget or leave you when you need them the most. Learn that you need yourself before being enough. Loving yourself will show you that you already are enough. Fall in love with you before you want to love elsewhere.

You are better, you are more. You are worth everything and more.

LOVE YOURSELF, BETTER YOURSELF, BUILD YOURSELF.

Burden and Weight

A lot of us tend to think that sharing problems or sharing negativity that is ongoing within ourselves with someone else makes us a burden or a weight on the individual.

Personally I feel like if the individual has offered or given you the shoulder you are not at fault and there is nothing wrong with sharing and splitting the hurt with another soul. You should not blame yourself or tell yourself you are a weight on another human or a burden.

You should not feel like a burden or a weight for being human and relying on another to fix you or lend some advice. There is nothing wrong or abnormal about this.

Please realise that it is your mind telling those lies. You are not weight or a burden on somebody that chooses to help and support you. That is love and generosity not weight and a burden.

But if he/she is continuously making you feel like that, maybe questioning your friendship or relationship is better. Maybe you should let go of something you are having to question and feel so negative about.

Questioning something leaves you with doubt and not much faith so if you have to question it, is it real? is it what you feel? or is something that should be healed?

Opening Up

Not wanting to open up and tell certain people about certain things is okay but please do not underestimate others on not understanding your pain.

Sometimes it is okay to share and grasp at the only chance of air.

Those around you that surround you love you. It has never been simpler, if they love you they see you. They see the pain you have endured and are now surviving. They see it all. Maybe you should not include all your problems when you speak to those loved ones, maybe only the problems that matter or you feel like need to be shared with the certain individual.

Therefore if none of this applies to you and you feel like you cannot be helped by those who love you or those that care for you. Maybe sharing your problems is not the solution or the answer. All you need to do is let them know you are suffering and that may be enough.

It has to end. You have to start with the truth. Start with the truth and walk in love and faith with those who love you. And the change will take care of itself!

You may have a broken heart or a broken mind but I promise you once you share you gain the air you are looking for.

The Struggle Of Comparing Yourself To Others

The struggle is like a bubble you are stuck somewhat like a fly trapped in a spider web. It’s watching everything crumble alongside yourself. You feel the need to compare and cause issues within yourself. You feel less and want to do more, within and around yourself. You feel and think everything is more than you but the truth is that you make yourself think that it is. There is nothing wrong with you besides the toxicity circulating through your mind with thoughts.

You need to take a break from the thoughts and your deadly imagination. Comparing your differences and similarities is not going to make you feel content but it will leave you feeling dissatisfied and unpleased.

People sometimes compare themselves to others as a way of fostering self-improvement, self-motivation. As a result, humans constantly evaluate themselves, and others, across domains such as appearance, wealth, brainpower, and success. By comparing and revaluating you do not gain any more than before.

You tend to overthink and beat yourself up for not having what someone else does. You should love yourself and embrace your flaws. So what if you don’t have the new iPhone or designer branded clothing. You need to accept your flaws. Accept and then exempt.

Having more does not make you better and having less does not make you little.

Stop comparing and wishing to be like others. Be happy and content with what you have within yourself.

Stop allowing social media to show and say different. There is no need for you to be a size 0 or to have everything. All you see and all you want is materialistic. What you want may not last or stay in good shape. Stop trying to impress what is around because it will not last. Furthermore your self confidence, self image, self esteem should not be at the touch of others to destroy.

Get off social media, get away from those friends that break you or make you feel somewhat little. If it is not positive stay away and far. Surround yourself with those who do not rely on materials to make them happy.

I believe in you.

Love yourself, Build yourself and Find yourself.

Physical and Mental Health

You’ll never understand how an individual’s mental heath impacts them. You’ll think it’s only thoughts or emotions and just a little bit of sadness.

But actually it’s more than that, it’s thoughts of causing self harm or putting yourself at risk, not eating or over eating, everything you do you think of the harm you can cause within it or around it. The environment you change and adapt in, you find ways to harm yourself or do better.

It is a lot more than you think. Just because you cannot visually witness this it does not mean it’s less or easier than physical health.

Please stop assuming that everyone is at ease with their mental health. Everyone suffers differently please understand this. Do not compare your past to theirs, do not differentiate your hurt.

Just a reminder if you are mentally Ill or are somewhat hurting, please love yourself and take care of yourself. You deserve more than you think. You have loved ones and caring ones. Stop hurting yourself.

I believe in you.

Love yourself, build yourself and find yourself.

A thought that brought me here

I just wanted to remind you all that you can be better, you can do it all. Focus on yourself, build yourself, challenge yourself. You may have a negative mindset like myself but distracting your negative thoughts with positivity is to how to keep it going. Distract yourself, get rid of the thought. You got to keep going to achieve.

Always remember nothing happens overnight, nothing happens just like that. Stop focusing on other individuals and their journeys. Focus on yourself, better yourself before you begin to judge yourself.

I believe in you and everything you have to offer.

focus on yourself, do better.

love yourself, gain quicker.

forget about the rest,

do your best!

you are the only matter.

My story.

On the 12th Of November I spoke about depression to my twitter and I received some recognition.

This is what was said….

“Since the age of 12 i’ve been on antidepressants. In and out of hospitals because my mental health wasn’t took seriously. Today i am 14 months clean of self harm and any suicidal attempts. I have been guided to my path. It’s to Allah. Through happiness and sadness, It’s Allah.”

Based on this tweet I have been receiving a lot of Direct Messages and it has been very hard to reply to every one of them. Most of them asked the same questions and advice. So here is my blog dedicated to those who want to know my story and how i am and everything else.

Before i start and get into everything about myself I want every single one of you to repeat after me:

• I am beautiful

• I am important

• I am enough

• I am worthy

Remember these 4 statements, chant them if you need to.

All i require is for you to remember your worth and for you to be happy within yourself. Love yourself and remember there is always a way out, regardless of how far deep you are. People love you, if you don’t have family you have friends, if you don’t have friends you have significant others. Do not listen to your thoughts. Do not make the mistakes i did. If you are in need of help, ask for it. Speak to your Doctor/GP they will help you and point you in the correct direction. If it’s not as severe let your loved ones know so they can take care.

Here are some websites which may help you when you feel extremely low or upset.

Childline, you may think this is for quite of a young audience but actually they offer to the age for 19.

They offer 24 hour service for all young adults. You also can check their website for any information or help.

Website: https://www.childline.org.uk/

Phone: 0800 1111 (you will not be charged, it is a free phone)

Kooth is a provider is for all ages! They are a online provider for help or advice, alongside of counselling. Kooth is also a free instant messaging through the internet from 12pm till 10pm on weekdays and 6pm till 10pm on weekends.

Website: https://www.kooth.com/

The mix is an free information and support for under 25’s in the UK. It includes a 1-2-1 chat, which is online counselling and also a crisis messenger for those in need.

Website: https://www.themix.org.uk/

Phone: 0808 808 4994

The Samaritans is another service that are ready to listen to you, however this is not online this is via phone. They are also open 24/7, 7 days a week and 365 days a year!!

Website: https://www.samaritans.org

Phone: 01484 116 123

For information on anxiety or depression or suicidal thoughts:

https://www.giveusashout.org/get-help/?gclid=CjwKCAiA8K7uBRBBEiwACOm4dzO6OVPtg82z9ht0pRKMWHfkYXUQ8gS3YOKC_mmatOcgRhOTZqSMeRoCRxEQAvD_BwE

https://youngminds.org.uk/find-help/conditions/anxiety/

https://www.supportline.org.uk/problems/depression/

https://www.runawayhelpline.org.uk/advice/suicidal-thoughts/

Now this is everything you have all been waiting on, i will be listing the questions with answers I HOPE THIS HELPS!

• What antidepressants did i take/been prescribed to?

– Fluoxetine

– Citalopram

I was prescribed to both of these starting with lower doses to higher. None of them helped me. They actually worsened me. I became quite suicidal and it was normalised whilst i was on these prescribed pills. My doctor did mention this would happen but the first time I couldn’t take it. It made me do things i would never imagine. I was living a nightmare. My doctor advised me to keep taking them and that they will eventually help after 4/6 weeks, I could not do that at all due to my automatic negative thinking. I then decided to come off them MYSELF. On several different occasions I tried them again, over 5 times i tried. I never felt a positive impact or change, so i stopped.

• How old was i when i first started antidepressants?

– I first started at the age of 12.

• How did i get through this?

– Please remember that nothing happens overnight, I didn’t wake up one morning and stop self harming or stop thinking negatively. It took me several counselling sessions and therapy to realise where i went wrong. I realised I am better. As much as I liked to see myself hurt, I knew it was wrong. The first thing you have to do is acknowledge. You need to come to terms with what is right and wrong for YOU. I came to terms and realised that I was ruining myself. It took me multiple relapses to become 14 months clean. I’ve had many breakdowns, continuously had my suicidal or self harm thoughts.

BUT I FOUGHT THROUGH IT.

I did it.

I picked myself up because nobody else can or will! I love myself in ways I never could before. Everything I hated, is now what I love. I made myself believe it. Now I do. I faked it till I made it. That’s all. And now? I’m nearly there! I’m doing great.

Self esteem and self love is also a topic not spoken about, you all need to focus on yourself. You don’t need to find things or look for things, because deep down everything is in front of you. You need to better yourself, reach higher than you already can. You need to love yourself. You need to take care of yourself.

Only you, only you can mend yourself.

No matter how many times you go therapy or counselling or however many times you listen to someone. You need to find yourself. You need to fix yourself. Nobody. Absolutely nobody can do that.

• How did I overcome my thoughts?

– Yes i was in a really bad place but never once did I say that my thoughts have changed and I have a positive mindset.

I still go through everything, my thought process is still as negative as it can get. I just have a different mentality.

I learned that not everything is my fault and everything that happens around me isn’t my problem or my mistake. Since I stopped beating myself up mentally it helped a lot!

I am no longer listening to my thoughts besides when I become extremely sad and upset but sometimes I need that bump in my journey to remember where I came from. I promise you it all takes time. I breakdown so often that it’s normal. Sometimes I need to cry or I need to let it okay but that sometimes is normal! It is okay to vent. Do you understand?

• Where did I get the motivation from to be where I am today?

– I got this motivation from myself. I learnt that everything in life will be hard. I held onto my faith, I’m trying my best with prayers and etc. However the motivation was all from myself and deep down I have goals, ambitions and aspirations. I want a future, I knew that. So now I’m focusing on building that. I started creating dates in the future where I’d look forward to (for a day out with the family or meeting someone or family occasions or religious events) when I was distracting myself from the present and looking over to the future it helped me massively and I definitely recommend doing so!!! Plan events or days in the future that you will look forward to.

• How do I cope with sadness?

– The way I cope with sadness is by distracting myself. When I gain the random sad waves (sad boi hours) I tend to distract myself eg. Showering, cleaning, keeping company, music, podcasts, researching, coursework/assignments etc. I just keep myself busy and it helps unless if my sadness is really bad in that moment I will have to let it out by crying or sleeping.

I hope this helps at least one of yous or your loved ones.

Please remember to share this to who may benefit from reading this.

Remember that life is a test. Regardless of where you are or how long this has been on for, focus on yourself. Let go of your surroundings or unnecessary friends.

Be better, do better, become better.

If you have come this far, thank you.

Leave a comment if there’s anything I should know and a like :)))))

Masks

i hide my sadness so i do not allow anyone to worry or overthink about myself, it doesn’t make sense but its what’s best.

it’s like a test but it’s all about what’s next.

i’m trying to look forward, i’m trying to find opportunities.

i’m doing great but i’m tired.

i am nearly 14 months clean of self harm and any suicidal attempts, through all this i’ve had my worst moments and made them my best.

i’d recently also found blades that have now made me contemplate whether i should bin them or keep them.

BUT

i’ve realised my worth and how far i can go.

i can fight this and i can let it go.

so can you, access help.

everything is out there for people like you and me, you can keep going.

i believe in you.

The Struggle.

recently i’ve become more hurt, mentally.

it’s more than struggling to get out of bed, it’s not wanting to eat properly or wanting to continue with my life.

but then i realise where i come from, what i been through, what i escaped and what i fought WITH MYSELF MENTALLY.

i’ve come to terms that not everything will be okay and sometimes its okay to show emotions or to feel some type of way.

it’s okay to cry, it’s okay to speak to someone.

i know that i’m capable but sometimes it’s that reassurance that i’m needing. sometimes i just can’t ignore my thoughts or what the voice in my mind is telling me. i know better, i know i matter. but why do i feel like i’m nothing instead of something?

i’m tired of feeling so down and low, i pray.

i’m looking for a way out, i learnt from my mistakes but why is it that everyone has to mention the past? the mistakes? why can’t somebody remember the good? the better? why can’t you?

please if you are reading this, be kind.

remain kind, you may he hurting someone with your words. maybe not verbal abuse but the slightest thing can cause them to come of the rails, believe me.

and if you are reading this right now and you are hurt please remember it will get better in time, pray and build a connection with God.

and if you are casually reading this, please keep yourself safe and do not let anyone hurt you.

all of you, keep safe.

you are worth more than you think.

you are everything and more.

you will be better.

keep going, i believe in you.

my thoughts are eating me.

i feel so crazy, so used.

i’ve lost several friendships and many people.

everything feels so pointless and draining.

the littlest thing to do is so difficult for me, im trying to keep it going but im feeling invisible.

its been a year since my self harm, i haven’t done anything crazy but now my temptations are kicking in. i feel like i’ve not really come anywhere and ive not done much. however deep down i know that i’m beautiful and priceless and something fucking amazing.

but in this moment i feel like i need to harm myself or worse.

my thoughts are killing me.

i hate myself but i love myself, i cannot deal with anything anymore.

im a failure.

tell me whats going to change? maybe time, but not my feelings.

not the pain.

im stuck and im fucking sick of all these feelings.

i don’t know who i am, i look in the mirror and just cry.

im tired.

im fine.

goodnight or goodbye.

It’s been a minute.

I’ve been away, kind of doing better and kind of healing in ways you’d never imagine.

So let me get straight into the deep and wise words.

Everything is coming to an end, mentally i’m not stable but where i am right now is better than where i was yesterday.

I’m proud of myself and I’ve learnt to focus on the positive. It’s what i needed and wanted. It’s what was best. Myself.

I assure you when you do this (focusing on yourself) it heals you in a way that cannot be explained. You focus on every little detail, the difference from yesterday to today. You have grown even if it was just yesterday.

Remember to always put yourself first. Regardless of how hard it has become, you need to prioritise yourself before anything.

Good things will come, believe in god.

Face your heart towards God and he shall guide your path.

Something more, something important.

Learn to love yourself, by yourself.

Within yourself you need to find the love, the courage.

You need to be happy with what and who you are.

Not by what others say and name.

Take care of yourself before its too late, fall in love with yourself like your own lover.

Shout and scream do everything it takes but please love yourself.

Happiness always is from within, make it happen.

Love your flaws.

Every side, angle, part, corner, love it and embrace it.

You are beautiful.

You are more.

You are independent.

Stop relying on others to help you or show you YOUR OWN WORTH.

Rely on yourself, fall in love with yourself and be the one for yourself.

Seize every chance you can get to love yourself even more, stop allowing yourself to believe that you need a form of help to achieve this.

You need nobody but yourself.

Love yourself, YOU are more.

You are YOU.

Something different but also something priceless.

There is no limit to your success, nobody can tell you what you can and can’t achieve.

Only you can stop yourself.

everyone is the same.

note to self:

people will always want something for themselves, their only in it for themselves too.

do not let someone else break you or hurt you, you are worth more.

you are more than you think,

you are everything you need,

love yourself, make yourself and do not let anyone break you.

shine bright and don’t allow anyone else to say you’re mine.

keep yourself to yourself, you can do this.

moods, emotions and thoughts

i’m feeling so shit, i thought summer was gonna be lit.

everyones living their life and i’m just isolating myself.

i could pick up a knife and end it, but that wouldn’t be right.

we got to be strong, more than the demons stuck in our heads.

we need to ignore the temptation and irritation in our minds.

we have to find ourselves and be kind to yourself.

don’t let your mind play these games.

everyone’s lame but they ain’t gotta even know your name.

focus on yourself, do better.

love on yourself, gain quicker.

forget about the rest,

you’re the only matter.

ES📚

i only spent a year, it seems more like a day.

i haven’t been here long but i do know it was my second home.

i love every single one of you, leaving you makes me all tingle.

i just want to say,

THANK YOU.

• for making comfortable

• for helping me through each day

• for letting me be me

• for motivating me continuously

i can go on and on, everything i wanted you all gave.

im thankful for all of you that contributed to my success, i appreciate all you’ve done for me.

i love you.

all of you.

People

so here we go, listen with your ear and let me cry a tear.

im sick of them trying to find a click,

i don’t want to be a pick & mix,

i wanna be a first option.

i wanna be a caption to their chapter,

i don’t want to be another one of their players.

maybe its me, or maybe its them.

why did you lie to try make me feel better?

you could’ve just bought me a meal, then we would’ve had a deal.

i’m not sure what it is, besides the fake lies and the sad energy.

what did i do to deserve this sort of disrespect huh?

all i did was love you like you was mine, but now its me saying ‘oh im fine.’

don’t tell me to stop, don’t tell me it will change, don’t lie to me one more time and leave me.

i wanted to be worthy, i wanted to be more.

so here’s to me leaving another human, another one that was full of itself that it became toxic and didn’t realise my love.

i deserve more.

Another one because i can🤷🏽‍♀️

Im broke just wanting a fix.

There’s not much besides a big mix, i just want to become more than what everyone thinks.

I want to make a change but everyone thinks im strange.

Suicidal thoughts are becoming more than consistent, more than a daily.

Im hurting but no ones caring.

Im sick of waiting think someone will help me.

Im done.

Im tired of living and breathing, i just want to be 6 feet under or covered with happiness.

It’s either one or the other.

I’m not sure what it will be,

but what am i trying to stay so strong for?

why am i trying so hard?

what is there to live for?

sad

every bit of happiness i gain turns into sadness.

everyone i love just turns against me.

its hurts so much because i saw so much.

i gave it my all, even myself.

maybe its just me

maybe all i deserve is sadness full with heart ache.

them

what they say is music to your ears

but what they do with their actions is start a war.

whatever happens it’s in between us,

but when words gone around and people find out,

thats when i switch up.

i just wanted to be more, i wanted to be loved.

thats all.

why did you hate me?

why did you make me hate you?

why didn’t you love me?

why did you shove all we had in the bin?

why do i feel like its not right still think that it might work?

maybe its you, maybe its your love.

maybes its the lies or maybe just what you told me.

i hate people that speak around and go around.

don’t mock me because i will knock you down, mentally.

im sure that will hurt you, but not as much as i was hurting.

i loved you, but you hated me.

goodnight.

‘friends’

they were here and there, nothing was real. they invited me to meals but i didn’t believe it could make me heal.

there’s not much to say because im the only one that would want them to feel something so fucking real.

i wanted to make a deal and tell them ill make their world all teal.

there’s nothing wrong with a meal, but just don’t expect me to peal so early.

getting back up

it’s hard to realise your worth

its even harder to realise the positive

it hurts but you’re trying to get back up

you put yourself in situations to try and better yourself, but none that matter.

stop forcing yourself to feel a type of way, their all gaining a pipe and you’re here wiping another tear.

don’t be a bastard,

don’t be a slag,

don’t be none that aren’t necessary.

take care of yourself, you will always deserve better.

stop beating yourself up.