You’d think I’m just saying the same but everything comes and goes.

They hurt me and they don’t even realise it.

They leave right before I want to tell them to stay.

They just leave me to bleed after doing the deed… of committing, of staying and of holding.

All those endless nights, scentless moments and bubbles of happiness were popped right in front of us.

Nothing remains, nothing stays and nothing is ever the way I want.

Find yourself, Love yourself and Better yourself

I have temptations that lead me to sensations.

Thoughts that open doors.

Tears that make me feel fear.

Random shakes that cause everything to be at stake.

I am nothing but a soul in denial within this aisle.

I take the wave to find a new aim.

I wanna heal and see everything as teal.

I wanna see growth within my soul.

All these feelings are still here and never leaving.

I’m protecting myself by removing myself.

Find yourself, Love yourself and Better yourself.

We try too hard because we don’t want to waste our love.

We try and adapt to their ways and lie to ourselves just so we can hold an idea of them.

We continuously lie to ourselves and forget the meaning of what you truly had.

It’s no longer hope that lays in our heart, it’s pain and lies.

I wish I could tell you I’m better at dealing with things like this but its human nature.

We’re all creatures who feature in each other’s lives and then become strangers.

I wish life had more meaning than a feeling to an end.

I have no idea what I’d like to hear but something that wouldn’t cause fear would be dear.

The only aspect of keeping me going is the fact that our Lord is near and here.

Find yourself, Love yourself and Better yourself.

Today is the start of my social media detox and my focus on myself to be more than precise. I struggle to take care of myself and make myself better.

So now I am going out my way to end all things that are wrong for me. Spiritually, emotionally and religiously.

I will begin to better my relationship with God first. I will not stop learning and growing within my religion.

There’s only so much that others can tell you and so much that God shows you.

I will also try and mend the little things like my sleeping pattern, my diet, my physical health and most importantly my mental health!

Hopefully, I won’t hesitate and give up mid-way through. I will find my way to who I am, to what my meaning is. To guide me in the most delicate of ways.

The hard way will always lead you to the right path. In life, the choices we make may hurt others and yourself but to understand the bigger picture, avoid misunderstandings and any further pain will teach you all you how to survive in this life.

We are each to our own, our opinions are all different and our choices are all our visions.

We will become better, slowly but surely. By the will of God, we will stop the badness and seek goodness.

Please work on yourself.

Yes, YOU.

YOU are so much more than you think. You are more than capable to do more. You can have it all but only your mind will fail you. Fix yourself instead of pointing at others. You got this.

Now repeat after me:

I am strong.

I am important.

I am loved.

I am amazing.

And I will reach my highest potential.

God loves you more than anything and anyone.

May God bless every one of us.

Find yourself, Love yourself and better yourself.

Lately, I’ve realised how bad I treat myself, not only mentally. But emotionally by allowing myself to be treated the same by others.

By this, I mean being manipulated and then seeing no changes.

It’s like purposely being late and still making them wait.

The blame is their faults and damages but me owning and gaining possession is a puzzle. Why do I do this to myself like I’m just adding things onto a shelf?

Most of the times I’d brush it off like it’s nothing or I’ll add it to the bottle of things I want to hide and explore later tonight. Sometimes I might and other times I’d just like to appreciate the light.

Sooner rather than later I end up in the dark with my thoughts and blame myself.

I name myself for everything never letting anything pass. I feel like I’m always at fault at least for something even though I did nothing.

I try and join the dots or untie the knots but it all just falls back to me. All those things that others caused me but none of which can be named to you.

Now I’m not sure what causes me to do this, maybe it’s my past or my presence or the lack of self-love. I have no control over how I digest negative situations, I just cause a deflation within myself.

All this I’m naming isn’t for empathy nor sympathy. It’s for you to understand and not give yourself a backhand.

It’s for you to not feel alone and understand my tone.

Realise your mistake before you dive straight into a lake.

Hold onto the love for yourself or be careful when dealing it with someone else.

Stop blaming yourself for never being enough or not being more than.

You are trying and that’s tough but soon enough you’ll chuff and they’ll bluff.

Gather yourself together. You will be stronger.

Find yourself, Love yourself and better yourself.

Every day is felt the same and thinking about the next just makes me insane.

I try and plan my day but all I do is fail and repeat.

I try and better myself constantly but nothing works.

I don’t know how to feel when all I feel is nothing.

I feel nonexistent like I’m stuck in a moment and it’s on replay like Iyaz.

I just wanna touch the outside and feel something different, something normal.

I have so many dreams and ambitions but this moment right now is breaking me and damaging me.

I wish I could be better nor feeling insane or lame.

I’m sure I’ll be better or maybe just sadder.

I’ll come together soon enough and stop hurting by all this stuff.

I’m sure next time I’ll be lighter or brighter.

My prayers are with all of you.

I love you.

You matter.

Love yourself, Find yourself and better yourself.

It comes and it goes like the sun when there are clouds.

It makes me feel everything then want to let go of anything.

I wanna shoot and kill for all those that come in the way.

I stress so much that it leads to being upset.

I feel like every time I hit the high note someone tips me over into the water to drown and not be found.

Everyone causes me to have concerns and then suddenly they all give me burns. They all return to where they came from and forget I ever prayed and loved for them.

I give my all, knowing I’ll receive none.

Maybe I’m just that person that gives more or maybe I’m just me and that’s a feeling of sin.

I have to stand on my own feet and feel my shoe before anything becomes blue.

We have to love ourselves to let others acknowledge that we will never be tipped over again.

We will love till we fail to feel anything else.

We have to be enough for ourselves before giving these elves another chance.

Don’t let them get to you; nobody can beat you.

YOU are amazing.

YOU are important.

YOU are priceless.

Love yourself, find yourself and better yourself.

I’m slowly beginning to fall off, into the deep dark hole I just came from.

I wish I could keep going or just be happy or just be okay.

Everything I loved has become everything I hate.

What do I do when all I feel is pain? I want to die and not feel, I wanna be nothing or anything but this.

I’m constantly facing the wars in my mind that are now wasting my time.

I’m so much stronger but I constantly feel that much weaker.

I know I will get through this but it all just feels never-ending and I’ve become hopeless at some stages.

During the first part of this blog, I truly felt out of sync like everything had a tint and I couldn’t see clearly but now I reached for help.

I continuously told myself I will get better by myself but I never did so here I am. Seeking for help and willing to find better even though taking that step makes me feel weaker.

So I hope this shows you that you can always seek for more or anything you need. You can find anything and everything you want; the world is your oyster.

Keep fighting, keep going.

You got this more than ever!

I love you and you matter! Don’t wait for too long, if you need the help please access it and reach it. Even with the doubt in your mind and the negative thoughts all over.

It’s all a sign for you to become better and so much stronger.

Here are some websites and contact information when you are feeling extremely low or not yourself. Also, don’t be scared to contact me or comment. Everything can be anonymous. Your mental health is my priority.

Childline, you may think this is for quite a young audience but they offer to the age of 19.

They offer 24-hour service for all young adults. You also can check their website for any information or help.

Website: https://www.childline.org.uk/

Phone: 0800 1111 (you will not be charged, it is a freephone)

Kooth is a provider that is for all ages! They are an online provider for help or advice, alongside counselling. Kooth is also a free instant messaging through the internet from 12 pm till 10 pm on weekdays and 6 pm till 10 pm on weekends.

Website: https://www.kooth.com/

The mix is free information and support for under 25’s in the UK. It includes a 1-2-1 chat, which is online counselling and also a crisis messenger for those in need.

Website: https://www.themix.org.uk/

Phone: 0808 808 4994

The Samaritans is another service that is ready to listen to you, however, this is not online this is via phone. They are also open 24/7, 7 days a week and 365 days a year!!

Website: https://www.samaritans.org

Phone: 01484 116 123

For information on anxiety or depression or suicidal thoughts:

https://www.giveusashout.org/get-help/?gclid=CjwKCAiA8K7uBRBBEiwACOm4dzO6OVPtg82z9ht0pRKMWHfkYXUQ8gS3YOKC_mmatOcgRhOTZqSMeRoCRxEQAvD_BwE

https://youngminds.org.uk/find-help/conditions/anxiety/

https://www.supportline.org.uk/problems/depression/

https://www.runawayhelpline.org.uk/advice/suicidal-thoughts/

Love yourself, find yourself and better yourself.

It isn’t just physical and that’s what many people lack an understanding of.

It can be psychological or emotional abuse, discriminatory abuse, organisational or institutional abuse. The list can go on but the point is that not everything is visible and sometimes it is mental torture and disturbance.

Abuse has a variety of ways to be formed and to be caused.

What we do tend to is brush off verbal abuse. It’s horrific and diabolical but it’s also acceptable in this day and age we are living. This generation has normalised disrespecting each other as it’s their way of communicating in a foul manner.

What we forget is that something so little can cause so much. The slightest discrimination or unnecessary negative comment can stay on someone’s mind constantly and you’ll never know or the one-off slap you give to an individual can bruise their mentality into thinking this is normality and pass the abuse on.

We all learn from others, we adapt and gain knowledge from what other people do. Everything we have learnt right now is all to do with imitating and watching observations.

We forget that we have an impact on every little thing we do.

Abuse isn’t normal and it neither should be normalised.

Stop treating others with disrespect because you fail to be kind. Don’t cause a negative brainstorm on their mind and neither should you be blind of what you do.

If you are someone witnessing or a victim of abuse. Please reach out, seek for help and gain a way out. You are stronger than you think and you will get through it.

Here are some links and numbers to help you:

Domestic Abuse Helpline – 0808 802 3333

Refuge Helpline – 0808 2000 247 (24 hours)

Domestic and sexual abuse helpline – 0808 802 1414

Home

Home

http://www.lovedontfeelbad.co.uk/

Scotland’s domestic abuse and forced marriage helpline

Hi, it’s been a while since we had a heart to heart with pure, RAW emotion. I’ve had many rough patches.

I’m trying to survive whilst war is still in my mind.

I’m trying harder than you can imagine to just ignore thoughts.

I’ve never felt so lost or at lost as I have now.

I wish I knew how I could stop this pain but instead every time I try to figure out I become insane.

The source is the pandemic for worsening my mental health and nothing more. I’m losing my education from one side and my sanity from another. Nothing is harder than this.

I begin to get better and slowly come off the rails like a child with bad behaviour. I don’t need a favour just the world to feel the same. It wasn’t the best but it was normal. The normality of leaving the house without a mask or a worry on your mind.

Now some are not even kind and others are just fighting their tides.

I wish I had a glue to fix this all and make it all blue. I wish change could happen overnight but nothing will change this fright.

I hope for better and never let go of prayer.

I hold on to the thought that God is testing my patience to make me stronger and if there is anyone who can serve a miracle it is Our Creator, The Maker.

Don’t ever stop fighting or pause your war, don’t hurt yourself or overwhelm. It is all to test your faith in your Lord. So face your heart where it should be, focus on what matters not what shatters.

YOU are the strongest you’ve ever been, so I need you to hold on a little tighter and keep going. you are more than enough, you are loved and you are most definitely important. This wave of hurt and pain will soon end. Have faith and never let go.

I made that mistake and there was nothing more I hated and regretted. I let myself down more than anything. So here is your reminder.

To keep going…

To keep fighting..

To keep loving even when your heart hurts.

Hello, I hope you are well and not struggling like a broken belt without the holes you need.

Today is Mental Health Day and within this, it is all about being kind to others and sharing what’s on your mind if it’s troubling you.

Do not keep struggling when the help you need is out here, there are many different sites and facilities ready to help.

Reach out and if you can’t seem to find anything yourself your GP can refer you to the right place without you having to chase.

Here are some websites which may help you when you feel extremely low or upset.

Childline, you may think this is for quite a young audience but they offer to the age of 19.

They offer 24-hour service for all young adults. You also can check their website for any information or help.

Website: https://www.childline.org.uk/

Phone: 0800 1111 (you will not be charged, it is a freephone)

Kooth is a provider that is for all ages! They are an online provider for help or advice, alongside counselling. Kooth is also a free instant messaging through the internet from 12 pm till 10 pm on weekdays and 6 pm till 10 pm on weekends.

Website: https://www.kooth.com/

The mix is a piece of free information and support for under 25’s in the UK. It includes a 1-2-1 chat, which is online counselling and also a crisis messenger for those in need.

Website: https://www.themix.org.uk/

Phone: 0808 808 4994

The Samaritans is another service that is ready to listen to you, however, this is not online this is via phone. They are also open 24/7, 7 days a week and 365 days a year!!!

Website: https://www.samaritans.org

Phone: 116 123

For information on anxiety or depression or suicidal thoughts:

https://www.giveusashout.org/get-help/?gclid=CjwKCAiA8K7uBRBBEiwACOm4dzO6OVPtg82z9ht0pRKMWHfkYXUQ8gS3YOKC_mmatOcgRhOTZqSMeRoCRxEQAvD_BwE

https://youngminds.org.uk/find-help/conditions/anxiety/

https://www.supportline.org.uk/problems/depression/

https://www.runawayhelpline.org.uk/advice/suicidal-thoughts/

Prioritise yourself. Mental health is just as important as physical health!

Do not be ashamed to ask for help because if you won’t ask YOU WON’T GET!

All I do is try and everyone else remains blind, so let me just start to cry.

They forget who I was in the past and expect more because I’ve already torn myself for them.

I wish I didn’t do this to myself and want to make everyone else happy instead of me.

Their expectations will only get higher and I’ll just become sadder.

I was running away from myself because I was scared to see what I’d find.

Now I’m sadder than ever because I never loved myself enough.

I don’t know how to react anymore because either way, they’ll just attack.

I focus on the pain because it’s the only thing that’s real. That makes me feel.

What have I become?

Full of broken thoughts that can never be repaired.

I wish I wasn’t compared to the rest of the world.

I still have faith, one day I’ll have everything I want. My Lord will shower me with blessings and I’ll never feel such a way again. All my prayers will have answers.

I will feel peace, I will claim what is mine.

My scars, my past and my presence everything is aching.

I want to be better but I just become sadder and much more madder at myself.

All that helps is a prayer that makes me a little saner.

My heart is incapable to love and my brain is inescapable of this negativity.

I am stuck like glue and all I want to do is die.

But a part of me is holding on.

Holding on like nothing matters because all this pain will make the change and this sadness will turn into happiness.

Maybe even a part of me inside will be okay.

Maybe all this pain will come to an end and it won’t be that someone will attend my funeral. It will be me that’s somewhat amended.

All that’s in my mind is a war and sometimes I can never close this door.

It’s ongoing and never finishing. I wish I was in control of this soul.

This black hole will see light.

My Lord will make sure of it. He promised me and He is all that will save me. He is the only one that can change us, fix us and better us.

”So, remember me, I will remember you.”

Seek help through prayer and never through people.

I’ve been clean for two years and mean to myself for all of them.

I feel like the urge is creeping whilst I’m breaking.

This night I spend on my own, without a soul to tell me my worth.

I have no one.

I have nothing.

I feel like nothing.

Nobody is acknowledging this pain I’m feeling nor the sadness that lies in between my breasts.

I want at least one person, just one to see my sadness without me expressing.

I wish someone saw how far I came without me saying.

But I’ll always be that person for myself, my person. I will be what I look for in everyone else.

I will be stronger; I promise.

My story will always continue.

It isn’t only you.

It isn’t only me.

We are never alone.

It’s all of us. Together.

This is my blog to include space for all.

No judgements, just pure emotions and to hit the topics that are turned a blind eye to.

Do not ever feel nobody feels what you feel or doesn’t understand what you understand.

Here I am wording my pain which makes sense to many of you reading. So why do you tell yourself that nobody understands if what I write makes sense?

I know the bubble you are in right now is hurting. I know your heart is aching. I know your soul is slowly breaking. I know your tears are expiring. I know there’s no meaning to life anymore.

But believe me. We will fight this illness, these damaging thoughts and these constant harmful emotions.

I promise you we will make it out.

You aren’t alone.

You reading this right now.

I love you, you have me.

We will make it out of the darkness and all those heartless thoughts. I want you to fight like hell for your life because YOU.

YOU ARE PRECIOUS.

YOU?

Y E S

YOU ARE WORTH IT.

Every little bit my love, do not underestimate yourself.

Lately I’ve been stuck in my own mind, my thoughts on loop and my emotions on shuffle.

I am dead inside and feeling invisible when I walk.

I feel like this life isn’t mine.

I just want to feel something. Something real, something exciting, something that makes me want to exist.

In the back of my mind are all of these dangerous ways to how to tie myself or lie to everyone else about my health.

Sometimes I crave to feel alive and others I’m brave enough to be alive.

Nobody understands the pain within my mind it’s like everyone’s blind.

It’s like I’m explaining to a 2-year-old toddler who doesn’t understand English and only understands gibberish.

All my feelings are a mess and my thoughts only lead to one destination. I hope I don’t lose my battle. I hope one day I read this back as my “happy self.”

I pray one day I’ll be better and none of this will matter.

My thoughts will fade away and the blade will never be in the way.

There is over 7 and a half billion people on this earth… but not one can understand me.

I’m constantly hurting and then realising that nobody is worth my love.

All the love I have is priceless but not one has ever stopped.

Not one has ever appreciated my affection or the extra mile I take or the extra everything I do.

They ignore and leave but all we do is try please.

We fall apart by keeping them together.

We make them the reason we stay alive but they are the reason we break once more.

I wish sometimes someone could understand all these words without asking about all the stories.

I wish someone could see me being more.

Being better.

He knows what you reveal and what you conceal so why I am trying to find someone who can try to find what I conceal?

I guess what I want is a stronger bond and relation with the Almighty. That’s all.

I pray for your health and well-being, whoever you are. Keep going. You are doing amazing. I love you.

This pain isn’t just physical it’s mental and spiritual. It does so much within that it makes everything inside spin. I have nothing. I have no one and during times like these, I tend to go back to those who hurt me. But I know… I know I shouldn’t. I know I am so much more.

So here I am. Breaking down as I type. Dying inside whilst you read my words. Slowly trying to catch my breath. Realising I deserve so much than I’ve ever had.

I miss what I had with people but then I remember how poisonous they were towards me.

All I do is love extremely, open my arms to everyone widely and hurt myself immensely.

Sometimes I wish I was more and others I am grateful to go through this pain. It all takes time and tonight I am more than thankful for this pain. Our almighty gave me this to use it, to learn, to listen to his message. This world cannot save me.

No therapist or medication will cure me. Only the Lord shall. I am turning my sadness into power once again. Facing towards the Creator.

This pain will make sense one day.

If you’re reading this and share my pain with these words. I’m sorry. Not sorry for the experiences because they made you the strongest you’ve ever been.

I am sorry that you haven’t found the peace like I have. I want you to read carefully. That homely feeling you are trying to find in everyone else is in Prayer. It is by the Knower Of Secrets.

Turn yourself in the right way. I believe in you. Keep going. Your power is your pain.

This is another night that I saved myself. Only with the power by the Most High.

Pray before it’s too late.

I love you.

You matter.

It’s often when I’m sat in a group or someone mentions something that reminds you of something I once had. The love I gave someone and they wasted. All the time and energy that now means nothing. Not a relationship; just all those failed friendships.

I give my all and receive none. I’m fine with it now. I realised to be different you have to be built differently. Not everyone will love or treat you the same way. You have to acknowledge that the love you give is because it’s something you never feel. You want to give without thinking about what you’d get.

This is how my loneliness started. I let go when they did, I stopped fighting and begging and started realising I’m worth much more. The friendships I had I let go because I deserve so much more. I don’t have faith in any more but I do know that the Almighty is saving me.

There’s nights and days where I regret not having a friend but then I come to terms with myself again. I did that, I caused that to be better. My loneliness was scary at first and now is aching but what I remember is that I’m saving my self from so much hurt.

The loneliness isn’t just a feeling, it’s my surroundings and my way of life. I left it all to be enough for me. To be better on my own than with those who just moan.

Days will go of emptiness and the nights will be full of darkness I’ll miss what I could have but my worth is so much more. I let go for better and will be better.

So whatever you’re feeling, the emptiness. The loss of people. The heartbreak. The loneliness. The pain. The constant war within your mind, remember why they don’t deserve you. Use this time wisely and focus on what matters. Your health and wealth and the aftermath of your death.

Keep going; do not rely on others besides the one who brought you to this world. Our Almighty and our Lord.

I believe in you.

Don’t allow your thoughts to tell you otherwise, you are doing amazing.

I love you.

You matter.

Well here we go… not everything works for everyone. Like my journey, I dropped everything and fell in love with Allah. That might not work for you.

Everything we do is different. What you like I may dislike.

My first bit of advice is to figure out what YOU want. This could be anything your life that you’ve been seeking for a while. Find it, hold it and keep it. The littlest thing you can find could give you a major change of emotions.

My second is to ALWAYS distract yourself. Often we find ourselves drowning in our thoughts when we are laying in our beds or sat doing absolutely nothing whilst staring at the ceiling.

You need to keep your mind running like a game, you don’t let it stop. But the key to this is not to think about the past or people. It’s about you. Your future. Explore you mind and figure what you like.

When you’re laying or sitting or walking always distract yourself when you feel a sad wave coming along. I tend to remind myself why I am where I am and then end the topic between my mind but that isn’t all the time. On other occasions I’d overthink about why I allow myself to feel such a way but it’s human so I let it be.

Another key coping mechanism I’ve adapted into is knowing that my emotions are valid. I cannot cut them off and throw them far away, even though I want to. I have to be okay with having them. Sometimes you have to allow yourself to be sad. You have to cry, you have to find an outlet for your pain but that never is self-harm. I cry and let things go. This may seem excessive but every other day I breakdown so my sadness doesn’t build up and my feelings aren’t hurt. I allow myself to move on after my breakdown but the key thing about crying is letting go and acknowledging that my sadness and constant urges are within the moment of temporary.

Another coping mechanism I use is praying. Yes, it sounds basic. Yes you may believe it does nothing or you feel it hadn’t “worked for me” but I assure you. I was you at one point. I dropped my faith and forgot my Lord existed. We push and push and finally, we see a change within our faith. Please do not make it too late and pray. I promise you as a survivor this is my BIGGEST coping mechanism. You need to turn to God. As much as you don’t like it or feel like it does “nothing.” It is the answer to all your emotions. The homely feeling you are looking for in other people is in Him. Our Almighty. The love you want to feel is in Him. I promise.

Please do not give up. You started for a reason. Whatever reason it was; I believe in you.

You will make it to where you want. From this bottom of the mountain right to the perk of where we all want to be.

I promise you, we will be okay.

Together, whoever you are. We will do this. You will make it and the anxiety or depression or whatever you have will not take over again. You will be in charge of your thoughts.

I love you. Whoever you are, my doors are always open. The help you need is here and for my survivors who constantly feel the urge like me… We all started for a reason and it wasn’t to stop.

I’m constantly hurting. Somewhat dying.

All inside which none of you can see.

I’m tired of fighting my wars and being questioned on my scars.

I want to be happy and enough but all I am is sad and rough.

I hope I get better. I pray I get better.

I wish one day I am.

We will fight through this, together.

We will all get through this pain and suffering.

The heartbreaks and the people that left and all those times we were never enough.

One day we will be. I promise you. I say this whilst I’m breaking down myself. We will be okay. All of us. Every one of us.

I met an amazing person. I’m not going to mention their name or what our relation was. However, this person was a reflection of me. They were all I ever needed and wanted.

Sometimes life sends you in different directions, you grow off each other and Alhamdulilah I grew of this person so much that my intentions changed so much. I had to leave them because I loved them too much. Also for the sake of Allah.

Now nothing makes sense but I’m aware that this is a test and my Lord will connect us again. I hope this person remembers my love and nothing else.

It doesn’t matter what I do, everything I see or touch or even talk about I think of them. This amazing human being that got me to where I am now.

If you are reading this…

YOU ARE THE REASON I BELIEVE IN LOVE.

Everything will be fine, The Almighty will fix it all in due time and Inshallah we will both find our paths interact again.

However, if this is someone else reading my feelings and my pain. Remember that if it distracts you from Allah it is not the one. You cannot find Allah through another soul for them. You have to have the right intentions and let go.

Stop letting the Dunya affect you and find Islam again. Fear Allah and stop the sins or even the little things that take you away from salah or cause you to delay salah. Remove yourself from those people for Allah and one day. Just one day. You’ll meet again.

Pray before it’s too late and gain your faith once again.

Find yourself, build yourself and love yourself.

It’s sometimes not enough and sometimes it’s too much.

As long as their around you’re happy but as soon as they leave it’s pure sadness.

You expect the worst but hope for best.

You want it to last and never end… But that sadly is the test.

You believe that they’ll never leave or you’ll never become apart but the truth is everything falls apart in life.

The presence of others warms you and makes you feel at ease and somewhat at peace. I understand you want someone to feel what you feel and help you heal.

But it always starts from within.

Love yourself, build yourself and find yourself.

I realised by forcing myself to fall in love with the world instead of My Creator, The Maker, The Almighty. I broke myself. I tested myself continually to find something that already broke me.

I tried to find peace and love and the hole in my heart that was missing to be fulfilled by others and objects of the world rather than Allah.

I fell off my path before I stood on my own two feet and many months later I am realizing this. That I am at fault. Nobody else. My desire to fight for something and someone that never did the same and then complain.

I let this world betray me and the people of it. I allowed myself to attach myself to everything temporary when knowingly all I needed was in front of me.

Right here. The Creator, The Maker, The Sustainer, The most merciful.

Our Lord.

Allah Sbt.

If you are reading this please pray before it’s too late, please find Allah instead of everything materialistic in this world. The temporary humans and temptations that’s are shown to you, ignore them and head to The Almighty.

I want you to face your heart to Allah Sbt and nothing else. Everything that is set in place, halal or haram is for our own benefit. It is a barrier to stop us from harming ourselves and once we step over these barriers we become weak and negative. We become further from our Creator and we lose everything we built.

So stop falling in love with what others have and wishing bad things upon yourself. Pray and face your heart to Allah. The most merciful. Continue to live and realize that even in sadness there is good.

Our paths are towards Allah.

Pray and keep hold of your faith, have Sabr (patience).

It causes bruises inside your mind. You may think of it as something so light but for someone else that might end them.

Yes, their words but is there any need to tear them apart mentally?

You all think of verbal abuse as nothing just because you cannot see it physically because it’s hurting mentally.

Maybe this is normality for you because you’re used to it but the pain you once felt by hearing the verbal use is exactly what they felt.

It’s the littlest thing you can do to hurt someone, it’s telling them their clothes are ugly and you never know… That’s all they may have. It’s telling them they’re a piece of shit when they are more than you can ever be.

So don’t let them melt and don’t be amused because right now they are feeling used. Just with your words and the letters that fell off your tongue to tell something that just stung.

Be less of a dick and stop taking the piss. Let others keep living even without giving the insults and slight negativity.

But if you aren’t the dick in the picture and you are exactly like me. Keep going, soon you will realize that you are more than ever.

Don’t let the words wrap around your head like sticky honey, let them go like the Bees and achieve more than you can ever think.

I am proud of your journey. You will fight this huge rain cloud, storm cloud and war cloud.

You are amazing just keep achieving…

Love yourself, build yourself and find yourself.

The first thought that may come to your mind is “it’s not that bad!” but living with vulnerable family members and trying to keep sane and not create any pain IS MORE THAN DIFFICULT.

My safe place was to be travel alone and be alone but now I am with everyone and everything. I cannot leave my house because I’m bigger than a mouse. Everyone will realise and I cannot lie to my own blood and cause an unnecessary flood.

My thoughts, my demons and all these people. All at once.

Being alone in a crowd is no longer a feeling. I am now alive and feeling. Before I was numb and under the thumb. I also hate this feeling. The chaos and the sadness is now building further and higher.

I’d sit down on the toilet and feel peace but then boom there’s someone talking again. I cannot feel no peace or feel at ease. I’m not allowed out or to bring anything in; just for everyone to be safe. I want to be normal and to be happy.

I wonder how you all are, broken or happy or sad.

I am falling apart more than ever, needing help. I’m not sure how am I am alive but I am definitely wowed.

I am 607 days clean of self-harm but every hour of this lockdown I experience another thought. Everything else I see causes me a trigger. I could look at a string and imagine how long it would would take for my blood to stop pumping if I tied it around my neck and went to bed. I’d see a glass bottle and want to smash it and lash out. I’d see a blank cloth and imagine how my funeral would be.

But the last thing I have to say is that; I am at war but I will survive. I am a warrior and I will fight. I am the Queen of my thoughts and I will decide what remains. I will rule these thoughts and make them shoo. I will let go and bet that I will be stronger.

I believe in myself.

All this I and YOU are fighting.

We will get through this.

Together we can be better.

Love yourself, Find yourself and better yourself.

when you’re in a friendship or a relationship you always feel something bad is about to happen… I can’t be the only one!

it’s like every time i gain a beautiful, unbelievable bond it just changes my perspectives by showing me the negativity that may be involved. i’d go to such extents to just find a minor problem or create an issue because of what?

THIS SMALL LITTLE GUT FEELING. it eats me alive once i start feeling it, for whatever reason i do. it makes me cold and causes me to be heartless and then BOOM.

i’ve lost everything i just wanted for more than eternity and binned it. threw it away based on a instinct.

i overthink and i over do everything negatively. once i create this foundation of something will go wrong, i brace myself and find it and leave. But that’s when i realise i was bang out of order.

i blame myself, i fight myself and go to war AGAIN.

so here i am, at war with myself…

i’m not sure where to start but here it is…

i’m lost and i’m pushing myself from everything and everyone possible.

i’m using this pandemic as an excuse to isolate from the outside world as much as i can. this includes me cutting outside contact and those few bonds i thought will last forever didn’t. this affected me insanely and still is.

i have no one. nobody to talk to or to open up to and even when i do open up i feel like the most heaviest burden i could be on someone.

so i stopped telling and sharing my pain, i’m suffering in silence without help nor any input.

i’m falling apart and there’s not much to say.

my escape was to leave the house and walk for hours and travel on my own, i enjoyed it so much. now that i can’t and haven’t is breaking my heart. i haven’t stepped into a store for over a month, this includes the local corner shop.

i’m not wanting anyone to relate or anything, i’m just leaving this here for those people that may need it.

we are all falling apart one way or another. so let’s find hope together.

We all want to numb our feelings and our emotions, somehow and someway we all find the same solution.

Drugs..

Medication to other substances to plants to pills, we all want something that will make us whole and forget about the things that should be forgotten.

But the truth is IT DOES NOT LAST.

It’s temporary.

We need to find inner peace from what we are running away from.

The acceptance will make you feel content, knowing that you acknowledge your faults and are happy to apologise to yourself. That will make you feel better rather than drugs and temporary escape routes you are planning constantly.

You resent to something that is temporary along with dangerous. Something that isn’t peaceful just different. The risk of doing such a thing suggests you want power along with feeling alive.

You want to be whole and more.

But believe me using something that is temporary and not fulfilling will lead to addiction till you feel full and that moment is never promised.

Whatever you are fighting, wherever you are in the darkness.

The light will find you. You will be better and happier.

Give it time and everything will fall back in place, forgive yourself for the sins you commit.

Find peace within yourself and create a beast.

It hurts but i’m dealing with it. I’m struggling but i’m making it through.

We can all carry on complaining whilst we’re suffering but that’s not you trying.

You’re allowing your thoughts to you, ignore them and the demons inside because you’re stronger and better.

I’m aware that you don’t feel rare so why are you not letting yourself be spare?

Stop beating yourself up for things that are not your fault, stop entering the darkness when you have a choice.

Let yourself free instead of locked with the thoughts of your dangerous mind.

As often as i say you are priceless and you are enough. You need to find out what brings you back to life.

Do more or do less, do whatever makes you better.

Don’t make it too late OR you’ll lose your faith.

It’s way more than you think, it’s not love or someone else’s presence. It’s loving yourself and being able to stop something toxic from happening.

Happiness is being content, having a relationship with God and not giving up with the plan that’s made for you.

You keep going and regardless of the outcome you keep wanting more and better. You want less and wanna be more, you want to speak less and listen more.

Happiness is about putting yourself first as much as you put all the others first. You set yourself priority. You know exactly what you want.

You have what you want. But the best part is how you got it.

You worked for it and you found it.

Do what’s best for you, have faith in god and the plan that’s in place for you.

Love yourself and the rest.

You are enough, You are more.

Love is something different and something exciting. It makes you anxious and at times depressed when you aren’t receiving what you want from the opposition.

Love is also everything you’ve been looking for but now you’ve found it you’re too scared to hold on. You feel like it won’t work out or something terrible will take place.

But you have to remember, love is more.

Love is commitment, trust and loyalty and many more things. What’s important amongst all of this is the foundation… How was it built? Was it forceful? Is it hard currently?

So many feelings and differences but yet you could love this person the same. The arguments and anger doesn’t mean anything when the love is more.

It’s priceless and beautiful.

It’s more and not less.

They’re hard to show and hard to accept. But you have to do what you want to do. You shouldn’t need to be asking for validation and forgiveness from others for your mistakes and your sadness.

What you went through is a part of you. Something that may still hurt you. Something that may still shame you. Something that may still embarrass you. But you will get through and be the fighter and survivor you have.

You didn’t come all this way to only come this far.

Keep going.

Whatever hurts and brings you sadness let it beIt’s all a part of you, stop feeling the need to be accepted by everyone and everything.

Believe in yourself and find the love you’re wanting to give others. Give your all to yourself, love and appreciate yourself. Be affectionate with yourself. Treat yourself. Take care of yourself.

You are more than precious. Regardless of what anyone says. You are more than worthy. You are priceless. You are everything and more.

I believe in you.

it hurts but i’m dealing with it.

i’m struggling but i’m making it through.

we can all carry on complaining whilst we’re suffering but that is not you trying.

you’re allowing your thoughts to eat you, to hurt you and change you.

ignore them, as simple as it sounds i am aware it is much more harder and confusing.

but you are strong and better, something that truly matters. have faith in yourself before you have yourself stuck in a maze.

i’m aware that you don’t feel rare but why not let yourself be spare?

as often as i say you’re priceless and you’re enough. you need to find out what brings you back to life. you need to find you and your path.

do more or do less.

do whatever helps you be better.

Don’t make it too late OR you’ll lose your faith.

Being attached to others is completely normal till you itch and bitch about what they do with others.

Attachment isn’t about continuously wanting to be with them, it’s overthinking if they are safe and secure in their environment in that moment.

It’s trying to make them happy without them realising how much you do, they think it’s you being friendly. But the truth is, you want and need them.

If it’s not them it’s nothing. You rely on them because the make you feel safe and secure and protected. The bond and connections you both have is beautiful, it makes you more than happy.

The protection and the security is all an individual wants to feel in a friendship/relationship. It’s essential, it’s needed, it’s wanted.

It’s what we all require but in this generation these basics aren’t given. So when we receive the basics we love it and we appreciate it to the point where the individual who is providing you the basics stops because they think it’s enough.

In this day and age, this is what happens.

When you hit the happy moment or the slight positivity you expect it to be everlasting and that is our fault.

It’s all our fault for allowing so little mean so much but i guess that’s just the few of us who look for the genuine side to reality. Not the materialistic money or 5 bedroom house or a car or a wallet that is full to the point it’ll rip.

We require the realistic and genuine side of love and bonds.

We want what will remain and stay forever and not just for now.

Without a constant bond on a daily basis with another human we won’t survive. An example of this is growing and living your life and then realising your family can’t be one of those of the daily and constant connections.

So you let loose and try find what’s best for you. Yet you still have have no idea what the slightest connection you are looking for could be.

You look for love but find lust.

You want love but you find sexual connections.

You want consistency but find something that’s incompatible.

Everything you need, you cannot find.

Maybe it’s you, maybe it’s your surroundings, or maybe it’s nothing and your time will come when it comes.

Don’t doubt yourself; But remember when it’s good it’s great.

Don’t hold on to something that’s already died in your hands. Don’t like the way it hurts. Don’t be taken for granted. You are more. You are priceless. You are enough.

Build yourself, Love yourself and Focus on yourself.

i’m suffocating on my breath, it’s 6am and i’m thinking about sleeping whilst weeping.

i’m not happy but i’m not exactly unhappy.

i cannot explain what i feel or what i hear.

it doesn’t make sense and i don’t feel the need to ask for help.

because i’m hurting and constantly crying it’s not enough until you see it physically yourself.

i love myself and i hate myself, in ways you’ll never be able to understand.

i’m trying and that’s all i can keep doing.

i’m not the same, i won’t be the same.

it’s changing and hurting.

everything is a mess, mentally to physically to socially.

i’m tired of feeling but not feeling.

it’s like being in the dark and seeing a light but it constantly disappearing. something similar to flickering.

but that leads to more than disappointment.

it’s consistent hope and faith being broken, it’s complete dissatisfaction. it’s the split second you’re happy but then you come to realisation that you’re absolutely not.

being numb isn’t something that can be worded.

i’m in pain, the thoughts are aching me and hurting me.

i’m feeling pain, on holding on.

i don’t feel the same, it’s just pain.

so numb.

it’s hard to explain but i guess most things that happen in your mind and that you feel in your heart are hard to explain.

i can never find the right words but i’m trying for you to understand. you reading this right now. please understand your worth and your price.

i learnt the hard way of the worth and the price of myself, it’s hard i know but it’s key. it’s what you need to unlock your full potential. you need yourself before you gain another. you have to take it slow because it all takes more than time. don’t worry and don’t be silly, do not blame yourself constantly for someone else’s mistakes or faults.

but back to my thoughts and the pain within me…

the thoughts are something out of control, unexpected, unneeded and unnecessary. but still we deal with the thoughts and the excess emotions that then cause pain.

the pain is like heartburn, you can’t explain how it feels or how it affects you. it’s there but it’s invisible.

you learn what’s better and good for you when you fix your thought process. naturally you gain a better understanding of how and what to do when you receive the random waves.

you distract, you move away, you do more than you are already and you definitely find a way back into yourself.

you will be better when you put yourself first, only first.

several times i smile, multiple times i hide my pain and constantly i isolate myself.

i do so much, cause too much.

you’ll never understand why it has caused so much.

the longer i want to shed tears the harder it is to deal with the pain.

the less i do causes a huge mess, i want to die but we all know that isn’t right.

i stop myself hoping for a miracle or something not so diabolical.

i want to cry, i want to die but here i am acting all fine.

maybe its me, maybe its you.

but once again lets live through this night and not let a soul know i cannot see the light.

i am fine.

This is for all of you that struggle to sleep and wake.

It is you who hates sleeping because hell will continue when you wake.

It is the difference between the air now and then.

It is the change you remember from the past couple of nights, it is the heartbreak you realise that you are not good enough.

It is everything you ignore but yet choose to wonder during nights like these.

It is more than everyone else thinks.

It is flashbacks, memories, pictures, thoughts and feelings that all come back. It is what hurts but yet keeps you going. You feel less but you are more, you never have a clear understanding but let me show you.

How you hurt yourself with your thoughts by yourself. You are in control so stop convincing yourself about the hell you will see at the rise, find yourself and realise it is all lies. Nothing but lies because it is another day, another day you will rise and shine.

You will be better and more and everything above, you will find a way out from these thoughts and demons.

The hell will stop and demon will run, you will find a way out within yourself.

Let the hell find itself. Not you.

Nothing ever makes you feel this way besides validation and reassurance. Maybe that is just me personally but I feel like being good enough or being somewhat worthy is always about others who are around you and how you feel you need to be or what expectations you need to reach.

If you don’t ever reach a certain limit you feel like you are less or more because of what you are achieving or not achieving. This is all based on the concept of reaching for something of being better than someone else. It is like being in a race or competition with everything and everyone. You have to be first, not second or third because that’s not good enough.

You constantly look at yourself and wish your waist was a little thinner and your hair was longer and you was shorter.

You are never content with yourself. Nobody is because enough isn’t enough. When we achieve or get more WE WANT MORE. That is what being good enough is, it is hurting yourself mentally by lying to yourself that you are not enough. You feel the need to consistently feed yourself the lies because you can do better or that your neighbour or babysitter is earning more or is doing more.

You compare yourself like you are a piece of bread or wood but little do you know that you are more than enough. There is no reason to compare like bread and wood. There is all the reason in the world to love and adore yourself and nor hate or be bitter towards yourself.

You want to “Be Enough” for others but not yourself. Everything you choose to do is for others and not for yourself. You are not true to yourself. You do not put yourself first so how do you expect someone else to?

Please stop trying to “Be Enough” be more FOR YOU. Not for those who choose to forget or leave you when you need them the most. Learn that you need yourself before being enough. Loving yourself will show you that you already are enough. Fall in love with you before you want to love elsewhere.

You are better, you are more. You are worth everything and more.

LOVE YOURSELF, BETTER YOURSELF, BUILD YOURSELF.

A lot of us tend to think that sharing problems or sharing negativity that is ongoing within ourselves with someone else makes us a burden or a weight on the individual.

Personally I feel like if the individual has offered or given you the shoulder you are not at fault and there is nothing wrong with sharing and splitting the hurt with another soul. You should not blame yourself or tell yourself you are a weight on another human or a burden.

You should not feel like a burden or a weight for being human and relying on another to fix you or lend some advice. There is nothing wrong or abnormal about this.

Please realise that it is your mind telling those lies. You are not weight or a burden on somebody that chooses to help and support you. That is love and generosity not weight and a burden.

But if he/she is continuously making you feel like that, maybe questioning your friendship or relationship is better. Maybe you should let go of something you are having to question and feel so negative about.

Questioning something leaves you with doubt and not much faith so if you have to question it, is it real? is it what you feel? or is something that should be healed?

Not wanting to open up and tell certain people about certain things is okay but please do not underestimate others on not understanding your pain.

Sometimes it is okay to share and grasp at the only chance of air.

Those around you that surround you love you. It has never been simpler, if they love you they see you. They see the pain you have endured and are now surviving. They see it all. Maybe you should not include all your problems when you speak to those loved ones, maybe only the problems that matter or you feel like need to be shared with the certain individual.

Therefore if none of this applies to you and you feel like you cannot be helped by those who love you or those that care for you. Maybe sharing your problems is not the solution or the answer. All you need to do is let them know you are suffering and that may be enough.

It has to end. You have to start with the truth. Start with the truth and walk in love and faith with those who love you. And the change will take care of itself!

You may have a broken heart or a broken mind but I promise you once you share you gain the air you are looking for.

The struggle is like a bubble you are stuck somewhat like a fly trapped in a spider web. It’s watching everything crumble alongside yourself. You feel the need to compare and cause issues within yourself. You feel less and want to do more, within and around yourself. You feel and think everything is more than you but the truth is that you make yourself think that it is. There is nothing wrong with you besides the toxicity circulating through your mind with thoughts.

You need to take a break from the thoughts and your deadly imagination. Comparing your differences and similarities is not going to make you feel content but it will leave you feeling dissatisfied and unpleased.

People sometimes compare themselves to others as a way of fostering self-improvement, self-motivation. As a result, humans constantly evaluate themselves, and others, across domains such as appearance, wealth, brainpower, and success. By comparing and revaluating you do not gain any more than before.

You tend to overthink and beat yourself up for not having what someone else does. You should love yourself and embrace your flaws. So what if you don’t have the new iPhone or designer branded clothing. You need to accept your flaws. Accept and then exempt.

Having more does not make you better and having less does not make you little.

Stop comparing and wishing to be like others. Be happy and content with what you have within yourself.

Stop allowing social media to show and say different. There is no need for you to be a size 0 or to have everything. All you see and all you want is materialistic. What you want may not last or stay in good shape. Stop trying to impress what is around because it will not last. Furthermore your self confidence, self image, self esteem should not be at the touch of others to destroy.

Get off social media, get away from those friends that break you or make you feel somewhat little. If it is not positive stay away and far. Surround yourself with those who do not rely on materials to make them happy.

I believe in you.

Love yourself, Build yourself and Find yourself.

You’ll never understand how an individual’s mental heath impacts them. You’ll think it’s only thoughts or emotions and just a little bit of sadness.

But actually it’s more than that, it’s thoughts of causing self harm or putting yourself at risk, not eating or over eating, everything you do you think of the harm you can cause within it or around it. The environment you change and adapt in, you find ways to harm yourself or do better.

It is a lot more than you think. Just because you cannot visually witness this it does not mean it’s less or easier than physical health.

Please stop assuming that everyone is at ease with their mental health. Everyone suffers differently please understand this. Do not compare your past to theirs, do not differentiate your hurt.

Just a reminder if you are mentally Ill or are somewhat hurting, please love yourself and take care of yourself. You deserve more than you think. You have loved ones and caring ones. Stop hurting yourself.

I believe in you.

Love yourself, build yourself and find yourself.

I just wanted to remind you all that you can be better, you can do it all. Focus on yourself, build yourself, challenge yourself. You may have a negative mindset like myself but distracting your negative thoughts with positivity is to how to keep it going. Distract yourself, get rid of the thought. You got to keep going to achieve.

Always remember nothing happens overnight, nothing happens just like that. Stop focusing on other individuals and their journeys. Focus on yourself, better yourself before you begin to judge yourself.

I believe in you and everything you have to offer.

focus on yourself, do better.

love yourself, gain quicker.

forget about the rest,

do your best!

you are the only matter.

On the 12th Of November I spoke about depression to my twitter and I received some recognition.

This is what was said….

“Since the age of 12 i’ve been on antidepressants. In and out of hospitals because my mental health wasn’t took seriously. Today i am 14 months clean of self harm and any suicidal attempts. I have been guided to my path. It’s to Allah. Through happiness and sadness, It’s Allah.”

Based on this tweet I have been receiving a lot of Direct Messages and it has been very hard to reply to every one of them. Most of them asked the same questions and advice. So here is my blog dedicated to those who want to know my story and how i am and everything else.

Before i start and get into everything about myself I want every single one of you to repeat after me:

• I am beautiful

• I am important

• I am enough

• I am worthy

Remember these 4 statements, chant them if you need to.

All i require is for you to remember your worth and for you to be happy within yourself. Love yourself and remember there is always a way out, regardless of how far deep you are. People love you, if you don’t have family you have friends, if you don’t have friends you have significant others. Do not listen to your thoughts. Do not make the mistakes i did. If you are in need of help, ask for it. Speak to your Doctor/GP they will help you and point you in the correct direction. If it’s not as severe let your loved ones know so they can take care.

Here are some websites which may help you when you feel extremely low or upset.

Childline, you may think this is for quite of a young audience but actually they offer to the age for 19.

They offer 24 hour service for all young adults. You also can check their website for any information or help.

Website: https://www.childline.org.uk/

Phone: 0800 1111 (you will not be charged, it is a free phone)

Kooth is a provider is for all ages! They are a online provider for help or advice, alongside of counselling. Kooth is also a free instant messaging through the internet from 12pm till 10pm on weekdays and 6pm till 10pm on weekends.

Website: https://www.kooth.com/

The mix is an free information and support for under 25’s in the UK. It includes a 1-2-1 chat, which is online counselling and also a crisis messenger for those in need.

Website: https://www.themix.org.uk/

Phone: 0808 808 4994

The Samaritans is another service that are ready to listen to you, however this is not online this is via phone. They are also open 24/7, 7 days a week and 365 days a year!!

Website: https://www.samaritans.org

Phone: 01484 116 123

For information on anxiety or depression or suicidal thoughts:

https://www.giveusashout.org/get-help/?gclid=CjwKCAiA8K7uBRBBEiwACOm4dzO6OVPtg82z9ht0pRKMWHfkYXUQ8gS3YOKC_mmatOcgRhOTZqSMeRoCRxEQAvD_BwE

https://youngminds.org.uk/find-help/conditions/anxiety/

https://www.supportline.org.uk/problems/depression/

https://www.runawayhelpline.org.uk/advice/suicidal-thoughts/

Now this is everything you have all been waiting on, i will be listing the questions with answers I HOPE THIS HELPS!

• What antidepressants did i take/been prescribed to?

– Fluoxetine

– Citalopram

I was prescribed to both of these starting with lower doses to higher. None of them helped me. They actually worsened me. I became quite suicidal and it was normalised whilst i was on these prescribed pills. My doctor did mention this would happen but the first time I couldn’t take it. It made me do things i would never imagine. I was living a nightmare. My doctor advised me to keep taking them and that they will eventually help after 4/6 weeks, I could not do that at all due to my automatic negative thinking. I then decided to come off them MYSELF. On several different occasions I tried them again, over 5 times i tried. I never felt a positive impact or change, so i stopped.

• How old was i when i first started antidepressants?

– I first started at the age of 12.

• How did i get through this?

– Please remember that nothing happens overnight, I didn’t wake up one morning and stop self harming or stop thinking negatively. It took me several counselling sessions and therapy to realise where i went wrong. I realised I am better. As much as I liked to see myself hurt, I knew it was wrong. The first thing you have to do is acknowledge. You need to come to terms with what is right and wrong for YOU. I came to terms and realised that I was ruining myself. It took me multiple relapses to become 14 months clean. I’ve had many breakdowns, continuously had my suicidal or self harm thoughts.

BUT I FOUGHT THROUGH IT.

I did it.

I picked myself up because nobody else can or will! I love myself in ways I never could before. Everything I hated, is now what I love. I made myself believe it. Now I do. I faked it till I made it. That’s all. And now? I’m nearly there! I’m doing great.

Self esteem and self love is also a topic not spoken about, you all need to focus on yourself. You don’t need to find things or look for things, because deep down everything is in front of you. You need to better yourself, reach higher than you already can. You need to love yourself. You need to take care of yourself.

Only you, only you can mend yourself.

No matter how many times you go therapy or counselling or however many times you listen to someone. You need to find yourself. You need to fix yourself. Nobody. Absolutely nobody can do that.

• How did I overcome my thoughts?

– Yes i was in a really bad place but never once did I say that my thoughts have changed and I have a positive mindset.

I still go through everything, my thought process is still as negative as it can get. I just have a different mentality.

I learned that not everything is my fault and everything that happens around me isn’t my problem or my mistake. Since I stopped beating myself up mentally it helped a lot!

I am no longer listening to my thoughts besides when I become extremely sad and upset but sometimes I need that bump in my journey to remember where I came from. I promise you it all takes time. I breakdown so often that it’s normal. Sometimes I need to cry or I need to let it okay but that sometimes is normal! It is okay to vent. Do you understand?

• Where did I get the motivation from to be where I am today?

– I got this motivation from myself. I learnt that everything in life will be hard. I held onto my faith, I’m trying my best with prayers and etc. However the motivation was all from myself and deep down I have goals, ambitions and aspirations. I want a future, I knew that. So now I’m focusing on building that. I started creating dates in the future where I’d look forward to (for a day out with the family or meeting someone or family occasions or religious events) when I was distracting myself from the present and looking over to the future it helped me massively and I definitely recommend doing so!!! Plan events or days in the future that you will look forward to.

• How do I cope with sadness?

– The way I cope with sadness is by distracting myself. When I gain the random sad waves (sad boi hours) I tend to distract myself eg. Showering, cleaning, keeping company, music, podcasts, researching, coursework/assignments etc. I just keep myself busy and it helps unless if my sadness is really bad in that moment I will have to let it out by crying or sleeping.

I hope this helps at least one of yous or your loved ones.

Please remember to share this to who may benefit from reading this.

Remember that life is a test. Regardless of where you are or how long this has been on for, focus on yourself. Let go of your surroundings or unnecessary friends.

Be better, do better, become better.

If you have come this far, thank you.

Leave a comment if there’s anything I should know and a like :)))))

i hide my sadness so i do not allow anyone to worry or overthink about myself, it doesn’t make sense but its what’s best.

it’s like a test but it’s all about what’s next.

i’m trying to look forward, i’m trying to find opportunities.

i’m doing great but i’m tired.

i am nearly 14 months clean of self harm and any suicidal attempts, through all this i’ve had my worst moments and made them my best.

i’d recently also found blades that have now made me contemplate whether i should bin them or keep them.

BUT

i’ve realised my worth and how far i can go.

i can fight this and i can let it go.

so can you, access help.

everything is out there for people like you and me, you can keep going.

i believe in you.

recently i’ve become more hurt, mentally.

it’s more than struggling to get out of bed, it’s not wanting to eat properly or wanting to continue with my life.

but then i realise where i come from, what i been through, what i escaped and what i fought WITH MYSELF MENTALLY.

i’ve come to terms that not everything will be okay and sometimes its okay to show emotions or to feel some type of way.

it’s okay to cry, it’s okay to speak to someone.

i know that i’m capable but sometimes it’s that reassurance that i’m needing. sometimes i just can’t ignore my thoughts or what the voice in my mind is telling me. i know better, i know i matter. but why do i feel like i’m nothing instead of something?

i’m tired of feeling so down and low, i pray.

i’m looking for a way out, i learnt from my mistakes but why is it that everyone has to mention the past? the mistakes? why can’t somebody remember the good? the better? why can’t you?

please if you are reading this, be kind.

remain kind, you may he hurting someone with your words. maybe not verbal abuse but the slightest thing can cause them to come of the rails, believe me.

and if you are reading this right now and you are hurt please remember it will get better in time, pray and build a connection with God.

and if you are casually reading this, please keep yourself safe and do not let anyone hurt you.

all of you, keep safe.

you are worth more than you think.

you are everything and more.

you will be better.

keep going, i believe in you.

i feel so crazy, so used.

i’ve lost several friendships and many people.

everything feels so pointless and draining.

the littlest thing to do is so difficult for me, im trying to keep it going but im feeling invisible.

its been a year since my self harm, i haven’t done anything crazy but now my temptations are kicking in. i feel like i’ve not really come anywhere and ive not done much. however deep down i know that i’m beautiful and priceless and something fucking amazing.

but in this moment i feel like i need to harm myself or worse.

my thoughts are killing me.

i hate myself but i love myself, i cannot deal with anything anymore.

im a failure.

tell me whats going to change? maybe time, but not my feelings.

not the pain.

im stuck and im fucking sick of all these feelings.

i don’t know who i am, i look in the mirror and just cry.

im tired.

im fine.

goodnight or goodbye.

I’ve been away, kind of doing better and kind of healing in ways you’d never imagine.

So let me get straight into the deep and wise words.

Everything is coming to an end, mentally i’m not stable but where i am right now is better than where i was yesterday.

I’m proud of myself and I’ve learnt to focus on the positive. It’s what i needed and wanted. It’s what was best. Myself.

I assure you when you do this (focusing on yourself) it heals you in a way that cannot be explained. You focus on every little detail, the difference from yesterday to today. You have grown even if it was just yesterday.

Remember to always put yourself first. Regardless of how hard it has become, you need to prioritise yourself before anything.

Good things will come, believe in god.

Face your heart towards God and he shall guide your path.

Learn to love yourself, by yourself.

Within yourself you need to find the love, the courage.

You need to be happy with what and who you are.

Not by what others say and name.

Take care of yourself before its too late, fall in love with yourself like your own lover.

Shout and scream do everything it takes but please love yourself.

Happiness always is from within, make it happen.

Love your flaws.

Every side, angle, part, corner, love it and embrace it.

You are beautiful.

You are more.

You are independent.

Stop relying on others to help you or show you YOUR OWN WORTH.

Rely on yourself, fall in love with yourself and be the one for yourself.

Seize every chance you can get to love yourself even more, stop allowing yourself to believe that you need a form of help to achieve this.

You need nobody but yourself.

Love yourself, YOU are more.

You are YOU.

Something different but also something priceless.

There is no limit to your success, nobody can tell you what you can and can’t achieve.

Only you can stop yourself.

i don’t wanna do this anymore,

i’m feeling more than used,

something more like abused.

i wanted to be close to you, now i just wanna be the most to you.

now you left me and my tears are no longer dry.

note to self:

people will always want something for themselves, their only in it for themselves too.

do not let someone else break you or hurt you, you are worth more.

you are more than you think,

you are everything you need,

love yourself, make yourself and do not let anyone break you.

shine bright and don’t allow anyone else to say you’re mine.

keep yourself to yourself, you can do this.

i’m feeling so shit, i thought summer was gonna be lit.

everyones living their life and i’m just isolating myself.

i could pick up a knife and end it, but that wouldn’t be right.

we got to be strong, more than the demons stuck in our heads.

we need to ignore the temptation and irritation in our minds.

we have to find ourselves and be kind to yourself.

don’t let your mind play these games.

everyone’s lame but they ain’t gotta even know your name.

focus on yourself, do better.

love on yourself, gain quicker.

forget about the rest,

you’re the only matter.

i only spent a year, it seems more like a day.

i haven’t been here long but i do know it was my second home.

i love every single one of you, leaving you makes me all tingle.

i just want to say,

THANK YOU.

• for making comfortable

• for helping me through each day

• for letting me be me

• for motivating me continuously

i can go on and on, everything i wanted you all gave.

im thankful for all of you that contributed to my success, i appreciate all you’ve done for me.

i love you.

all of you.

so here we go, listen with your ear and let me cry a tear.

im sick of them trying to find a click,

i don’t want to be a pick & mix,

i wanna be a first option.

i wanna be a caption to their chapter,

i don’t want to be another one of their players.

maybe its me, or maybe its them.

why did you lie to try make me feel better?

you could’ve just bought me a meal, then we would’ve had a deal.

i’m not sure what it is, besides the fake lies and the sad energy.

what did i do to deserve this sort of disrespect huh?

all i did was love you like you was mine, but now its me saying ‘oh im fine.’

don’t tell me to stop, don’t tell me it will change, don’t lie to me one more time and leave me.

i wanted to be worthy, i wanted to be more.

so here’s to me leaving another human, another one that was full of itself that it became toxic and didn’t realise my love.

i deserve more.

Im broke just wanting a fix.

There’s not much besides a big mix, i just want to become more than what everyone thinks.

I want to make a change but everyone thinks im strange.

Suicidal thoughts are becoming more than consistent, more than a daily.

Im hurting but no ones caring.

Im sick of waiting think someone will help me.

Im done.

Im tired of living and breathing, i just want to be 6 feet under or covered with happiness.

It’s either one or the other.

I’m not sure what it will be,

but what am i trying to stay so strong for?

why am i trying so hard?

what is there to live for?

07/06/19

i chopped my hair and left everyone that i thought was toxic.

i thought it was impossible, but i made it possible.

i feel so much better.

hopefully i get better.

every bit of happiness i gain turns into sadness.

everyone i love just turns against me.

its hurts so much because i saw so much.

i gave it my all, even myself.

maybe its just me

maybe all i deserve is sadness full with heart ache.

what they say is music to your ears

but what they do with their actions is start a war.

whatever happens it’s in between us,

but when words gone around and people find out,

thats when i switch up.

i just wanted to be more, i wanted to be loved.

thats all.

why did you hate me?

why did you make me hate you?

why didn’t you love me?

why did you shove all we had in the bin?

why do i feel like its not right still think that it might work?

maybe its you, maybe its your love.

maybes its the lies or maybe just what you told me.

i hate people that speak around and go around.

don’t mock me because i will knock you down, mentally.

im sure that will hurt you, but not as much as i was hurting.

i loved you, but you hated me.

goodnight.

they were here and there, nothing was real. they invited me to meals but i didn’t believe it could make me heal.

there’s not much to say because im the only one that would want them to feel something so fucking real.

i wanted to make a deal and tell them ill make their world all teal.

there’s nothing wrong with a meal, but just don’t expect me to peal so early.

it’s hard to realise your worth

its even harder to realise the positive

it hurts but you’re trying to get back up

you put yourself in situations to try and better yourself, but none that matter.

stop forcing yourself to feel a type of way, their all gaining a pipe and you’re here wiping another tear.

don’t be a bastard,

don’t be a slag,

don’t be none that aren’t necessary.

take care of yourself, you will always deserve better.

stop beating yourself up.

i made my self bleed then forced myself to sleep.

i caused more pain then gains.

i made myself do stupid things because i thought they’d help me.

i slit my wrists, i broke my parents heart.

i taught myself that doing the wrong things would help me get far.

but here i am 8 months later, clean without no self harm.

i feel so much better but seeing these scars make me wanna become bitter.

i’m sick of the temptation but then i realise my thoughts are just an irritation.

im fighting with my mind, hoping when i’ll be right.

nothing will be light until i end this night.

i feel so shit, my heart hurts so much. i just wanna be a part, theres not much to list.

my thoughts are all tangly but i’m still gonna try make this clear because i only fear my mind but yet i’m trying to be so kind to myself and allow myself to have these sad days.

sometimes i don’t know what happens, sometimes i don’t know how i feel, sometimes it just kicks in, but sometimes for me is turning into ‘all the time.’

i can tell you about my sadness or i can tell you about my non existent happiness.

i choose to talk about the sadness because thats what i’ve experienced, however much i tried to succeed it didn’t work.

i tried to go places, i tried to make myself happy.

nothing ever worked, yet i’d rely on people to bring me back up and make me feel better, nobody understands.

yes i’m young, yes i’ve not lived my life but does that mean i haven’t felt pain? i haven’t suffered depression? i haven’t felt the suicide thoughts?

yes i understand that i’m not okay, but you have to accept even if i’m young i can still be the person who slits her wrists but doesn’t say from the tongue.

on many occasions i have used the phrase ‘i’m fine’ at times that’s what id actually mean, but that’s once in a blue moon. more time its about me feeling like shit and experiencing this by self, id tell you i’m doing something else or just lie consistently.

but i all i want is someone to care for me.

i don’t wanna hear the phrase ‘inshallah’ (hopefully.)

i just want someone to constantly message me, constantly wanna know if i’m okay or even try make me feel better. thats all i want, a friend just someone to make this hard time better for me.

its hard and its getting harder because i’m realising i’m all alone and thats how it might be.

you cant trust anyone because they’d use that against you when your argue or they take advantage of what you say and then you become vulnerable.

i’ve felt like this and i’ve been through everything you could name.

i feel sick to my stomach, because i’m sick of opening up and actually thinking that someone will help me.

they all eventually leave or end up dead or far away from you as possible because they can’t handle what you tell them.

its hard, but its even harder when you’re getting there and finally picking yourself up after years and then you realise how fucked up you really are because of what someone tells you.

if you make a mistake, you are that person that made that mistake

if you say the truth, you are the liar

if you ask for help, you are an attention seeker

if you leave someone, you are a user

the list goes on and on, but sometimes you just need reassurance for what you’ve done.

but please realise contradicting yourself or lowering your own self esteem or confidence will damage you and your future.

do not let anyone take advantage of you, please take care of yourself.

because you? YOU deserve better.

you deserve more,

your deserve happiness,

you deserve everything,

please get through this darkness and realise you will become your own happiness.

you matter, your thoughts matter.

let them out, however crazy people think you are.

you can do it.

you are more than you think.

you are beautiful, keep going and fight your mind.

it doesn’t make sense, but i wanna make amends.

everyone thinks i’m a little crazy but i’m just a baby, why can’t you just accept my truths and the reality of my thoughts?

i don’t hate myself, its just certain moments.

you can call me what you want and say what you want, but nothing will stop me from feeling the way i am.

i’m the type of person to find a negative in a positive.

you all give each other ‘lip service’ more-time its about how others should see you.

you say things that someone else wants to hear, thats life, thats how everything in this day and age work.

but lets not forget the good people who actually say things to help you and your mental health.

but also don’t forget the ones who are only with you, for your wealth.

open your eyes and realise, these humans are just becoming decorative pieces.

you deserve more, you are more.

stop lying to others about how you feel or what you are doing, stop being ashamed of your reality and your feelings.

regardless of your race, colour or waist.

be happy within yourself, not the temporary aspects of the world.

its playing on my mind like its a tape, i feel like i have no shame.

i felt so used and dirty i know what you’re thinking but it was just a betrayal of a friendship that started all this off.

it led one thing to another which then caused me to leave scars all over my wrist.

that wasn’t enough so 4 years in, i still haven’t defeated my demons and my thoughts or the hurt deep down inside me.

i feel so broken but a wise man told me there’s nothing to be fixed.

i was mixed with all my pain and my conflict to myself, all the confusion and pain, my confidence, my thoughts.

everything about me wasn’t just something that i could tuck under the carpet or pillow.

i need to let go, but all these leads to my past through my memories just hurt.

i loved every human that was temporary in my life with all my heart, now im stuck in this hole.

i’m sick of this.

i look in the mirror and i just don’t know who i’m becoming.

ive got to stick to the plan and hope it all comes out right.

everything’s changing, i used to be happy but now i don’t remember the last time i was even smiley.

i need time to think straight but i’m just not okay.

simply enough, i’m not okay.

i cant fight my thoughts, but one day i will overcome what my mind states to me.

so hear it is my thoughts at 01:55 15/05/19

i just want to be something, since everyone treats me like nothing.

i wanna take a seat but i can’t let the depression beat.

i wanna be more so let me get you out the door.

i need to start a new chapter that only includes me.

i can contain this attitude which makes me think about being a little bit more gratitude.

we all want to be better and achieve what matters.

but is what you’re trying to achieve right?

is it going to bring you light or something thats similar to night?

think about what you truly want, don’t be cruel to yourself.

be honest and close the closet of the past.

my feelings are unexplainable but lets not forget ill still love you and thats explainable

i need help but there’s nothing i can do besides yelp

i don’t want to question myself about your feelings because it makes the ceilings stutter too

i want your love but is that too much?

you said you will try so why is this making me want to cry?

i hate you, but i love you

what is the answer to this toxic relationship that i can’t fix?

do i need a mix or is it just a pick?

i love you but it’s never enough.

why are you letting someone so upset tell you something to make your face wet,

look at you.

a beauty in my eyes but just a duty in theirs,

make way so they can pass and get to class.

you are more than you think.

looking in the mirror, nothing but a little thinner.

you wish.

you stress about your weight letting others bet on your gains,

better yourself so you can rise higher and never come lower.

there’s not much to say besides let me give you some guides.

repeat after me.

i am more than a piece of meat,

i am more than someone or something,

i am not a second choice,

neither am i just a voice.

look at yourself again,

you are nice, something to right.

Most of my life, it wasn’t my own time

I just wanted love but i never get much.

Betrayal by my own, who thought of me like a loan.

I said lets make it work but all they thought that i was a hoe.

All these so called names, but nothing could be the same.

I tried to let it out but no one was by my side.

So this one is for you, take care of yourself before someone else has to tell you.

Learn your worth before someone takes your place on this earth.