Sometimes I think I’m the issue… but it’s not that I am, it’s the fact that those traumatic experiences in my life made me think I was.

It’s something that hasn’t ever been able to leave me.

Everywhere I go, everything I do, something manages to interlink and find it’s way to have it’s connection to the past things.

I’m the issue, my brain has its wiring itself. In a way that is dangerous to to even think.

The altercations, the conversations and all those connections make the question… will I end up back where I was just like then?

Then I slowly drift, stop and don’t let myself lift.

I keep myself held in this tight, closed and suffocated box with myself.

I allow nobody to have access and I become scared when I’ve become slightly vulnerable.

Even if that’s just by sharing the same interests, it’s like everything causes me to stop.

As always, I don’t know what this is. It is just thoughts which may be in common with yours.

Find yourself, Love yourself and Better yourself.

This is all new to me, I thought it may have grown on me.

Perhaps I thought wrong and figured out ways that it could’ve gone but I just needed it to stop it going on.

I needed to enhance the moment, live the clear picture and stop building my scripture.

To save me and stop these thoughts from building a cave around me.

I need to feel conscious and not unconscious.

I need to feel alive and not dead.

I need to be here instead of there.

Does this even make sense? Are you with me?

Maybe you’re not but that’s okay…

Find yourself, Love yourself and Better yourself.

Stuck at the moment, lost in the thoughts and full of emotions.

Flight or fight, that’s what our body tells us to do but we become confused feeling so used by the bruises.

We use the past to judge our presence and to make sense of our feelings now.

Any scenario or issue which causes us to feel like we did in any of those brutal, lethal and awful moments makes us want to make it all stop.

Just as those feelings rise, so do our reactions. We become aware of what hurt us before and try to shut it down before it has even begun.

This is a natural and pure reaction from not feeling that secure, safe and that assuring aroma.

I guess this is me saying that it’s okay, it is normal to feel those feelings in situations that cannot be labelled as those events but feel the same.

It’s difficult to say but easy to understand, I hope this makes sense… in one way or another.

Find yourself, Love yourself and Better yourself.

The control isn’t there and those events have passed.

You’re free but your mind is holding you at your knees.

Even the weight of my skin is nothing, I don’t know what happens next.

I don’t know what the way out is… to being me, to finding how I become free.

How do I gain that weight again?

How do I figure out what I am?

How do I know who I am?

Find yourself, Love yourself and Better yourself.

You know that feeling when everything is slipping and you’re trying to stop falling is all I’m saying.

It’s like wanting to leave everything behind but having to hold so tight, just so you don’t lose this fight.

I wish I knew what was right instead of taking all this time, I could just fix what was meant to be mine.

Here we are, lost in this world.

Unprepared for the next and having no pretext for what has happened within this test.

Each is to their own but here is what I know, your emotions will not be understood by any other person.

You can come close to understanding one another but you cannot feel what is inside each other.

Whether that be pain, numbness, some sort of sensation or joyfulness! It cannot be felt from one human to another.

We can just express ourselves till someone says yes, till they listen and open their arms and till they genuinely feel how we are.

Find yourself, Love yourself and Better yourself.

The light in the dark, is the only thing you can see.

It all shines so brightly, It feels so right.

My heart can’t take a break because then nothing will be the same.

Let’s not be shamed and just be tamed.

Find yourself, Love yourself and Better yourself.

I see it all, hear it all and feel it all.

Tonight just go all the way with me.

Dive in the dark, the deep and the empty but all fullness.

If you wanna go I understand why but that’s not what’s going to happen.

We’re going to keep going and giving, to ourselves and others.

I wanna just feel something real or more healed.

Find yourself, Love yourself and Better yourself.

I don’t wanna be here, I don’t wanna be alive.

I’m sick and tired of all these lies and wasting my time.

It’s no longer how to do it; it’s when.

I need an escape, I need more meaning.

Please my Lord help me in one way.

Find yourself, Love yourself and Better yourself.

We hold on to the littlest because it’s what’s glistening to us.

We make ourselves think it’s all we deserve.

We start to believe and let it all be.

Until we start becoming numb and everything turns into crumbs.

We beat ourselves but we knew what it was; before we began, before we let it happen again and before our mind told us no and our hearts told us yes.

We let it happen, we allow ourselves to be and not think of what shall be seen.

Find yourself, Love yourself and Better yourself.

Is this the good or the bad?

Does this relate to the pain or the gain?

Am I growing now or am I slowing down?

Is my heart aching or is my mind exploding… or is it the choices in me that are weighing out loud?

I wish for so many things but perhaps I’m not deserving of them and this suffering is all I should be knowing.

I’m not sure anymore but here is to keep going and trying to just be a part of the being.

May this suffering find its ending and this heart start mending.

Find yourself, Love yourself and Better yourself.

There’s so much to do but where do I even start?

My laptop is on but my thoughts are off.

My brain not working and everything is hurting.

I am pulled into all these things on the side to ignore what is happening truly inside.

I ignore it just so I can be like before.

I got to let go of it all.

Find yourself, Love yourself and Better yourself.

My wounds aren’t healed.

Here it is to remind me of everything I tried to keep concealed.

I haven’t realised but I know it’s revealed.

With the voices entering, the thoughts appear and the emotions recur.

I know now what’s incoming, something that will keep lingering till I’m feeling like every inch of me is bleeding.

My days are full of darkness and I no longer know happiness.

The sooner this is over the better.

7 years have been and not one day have I felt content without you.

Find yourself, Love yourself and Better yourself.

This term comes from me and my experiences of failed expectations and unfilled satisfactions.

I wish I could understand that sometimes we just meet people to fix them, to build them and to help them.

This post is about realising that as much as we are expecting to receive we should not wear our hearts on our sleeves.

Everyone has a reason to enter your life, everything has a reason to happen in your life; whether that has you feeling sad, mad or glad.

The power is in your hands, within YOUR mind.

Work on your thought process, rewire all that feels like burning fire and learn to be sincere.

Find yourself, Love yourself and Better yourself.

It’s letting loose and forgetting what’s to hold.

Giving up on it all and just focusing on that breath for that moment, that second and that time.

You leave everything else and become subconscious, you give up on everything that’s happening.

You live in your mind till you find that right time, to let go, to be and to find what flows and helps you grow.

I wish it was easy as that, I wish we had switches and not emotions.

I wish I could pinpoint everything and not feel like I’m being held at gupoint when someone asked me how I am.

There’s nothing here but at the same time, everything is here.

I’m not sure how to make it make sense but it’s like having to bake a cake but having it all break.

Find yourself, Love yourself and Better yourself

Trying new things is like keeping it stepping but not knowing where you’re going.

It’s holding on but letting go, it’s flying but draining.

The emotions cause so much confusion but the result can be all of the colours in a diffusion.

It’s tricky, it’s sticky and it’s mucky.

We just have to make the most of it and be…

We have to try to just see!

See outside the box, be outside the box and find what is outside THE BOX!

Find yourself, Love yourself and Better yourself

Everyone gave me so much and I felt so much.

Love, warmth and care.

The fact these people went the mile and gave me the time… to find me and to be me.

I built myself through them and learnt myself with them.

They opened my eyes and made me feel alright.

I’m so thankful, grateful and wakeful.

The love, the need and the efforts have not gone to waste.

You’ve built a warrior, a stronger and greater version of me.

I will love these people forever.

Here is to change and to be more aware of what’s to be.

Your chapter changes but you always carry something over from the previous pages.

Find yourself, Love yourself and Better yourself

The fullness of the mind.

The emptiness of the heart.

The wildness of the brain.

The achiness of the bones.

It’s strange but not even I would want it to change.

I’ve realised I can’t keep going.

With the same environment or surroundings.

It can’t keep going even though I enjoy it.

It sounds crazy but what you’re used to becomes your comfort zone and you don’t want to know anything else.

But it has to stop.

It has to change.

Something has to differ.

Whatever that is, however, it is; I hope we all find what is for us.

Even when change is not what we want but what we need, I hope it comes easy.

Find yourself, Love yourself and Better yourself

The way I love it’s like I’ve become dumb.

So much to give but so little to receive.

Multiple people are inside me speaking, squeaking and creeping.

My heart feels empty but also so full.

I wish at least one person could do all the things I do.

But I guess I just have to do them all myself.

This is not bad so I’m not sure why I make it seem like that…

I have to stop expecting, wanting and needing people to do things for me that I can do myself!

Why wait for others when you have what you need within?

In you, around you and a part of you.

You!

Believe in yourself and allow yourself to have the ability to give… rather than only seek from everybody.

Find yourself, Love yourself and Better yourself

Lately, I’ve been ignoring the gut instincts and the feelings that have been occurring.

I feel like it’s all being suppressed and not spoken of enough.

I don’t let things be and all I do is pick… to satisfy me, to please me and to benefit me.

Even though that’s not what happens, I get shut down then everything is locked down.

I don’t receive what I thought would be perceived, then I become displeased.

I put myself in those positions even though I knew what would be given.

It’s like reading a whole book but expecting something different when you already know what will happen.

If I manage to change my ways, I may find a way to share this with you.

Find yourself, Love yourself and Better yourself

I’d tell you to keep going but I’m sure you’ve already heard that’s how you should be doing.

Let me tell you something different… It may not be this instant but we will find our antidepressant.

We can keep moving, not pausing; we may start hesitating but that is what keeps us going.

Keep breathing and ignoring all that is urging.

Let’s stop suffering, and start living instead of surviving.

Time will come, time will fly… But will we come or will we fly?

Come to terms with what’s ongoing or fly and keep going.

Stop being so stuck and find a way to chuck all that makes you feel like your soul is being sucked.

Find yourself, Love yourself and Better yourself

A writer’s block or my block?

Is it the dark skies, light mind and heavy heart? or is it the wild thoughts running free that aren’t letting me be?

Lost within, open with everything and nothing.

Nothing.

Something inside me is telling me to write about that nothingness…

That empty but full, that everything and something; but nothing.

I feel like a kid with all the candy in the world but not able to eat it.

I feel like I have it all, I prayed for this day where I make it four digits clean and the day where it isn’t got me. I am who has IT.

So many clouds, so many thoughts, so many tabs, things and endless wishes.

That nothingness doesn’t fail to provide that sadness; I wish it could just be happiness instead.

Find yourself, Love yourself and Better yourself

We’re told that we should feel happy and that the normal isn’t crappy.

Why is it that we must be a 10 and if we’re not it’s an automatic 0?

Why is it up or just down?

Why can’t we be okay with being a 5 and not always being on a high?

Just spend this moment. Breathe and tell yourself that it is okay to be wherever on the scale… as long as you are alive and here.

By fighting, striving and focusing.

On you and for you.

This isn’t motivation, this isn’t inspiration…

This is a reminder and to remember that those feelings can go in the blender.

We are all suffering, we are all trying to live, some better than others.

The jungle is a mess but it’s what you see which makes it a success.

Find yourself, Love yourself and Better yourself

There’s a lot on my mind, too much for this time.

I should be asleep and not even thinking so deep.

I feel worthless even though I know I’m priceless.

I’m praying for better days where I can just lay and forget about what you say.

But there is so much to us that cannot be forgotten.

Now I have to find a reason to live when that was what you give.

Here I am.

I am fading, tears rolling and my heart hurting.

I don’t know why it hurts so much but

Find yourself, Love yourself and Better yourself.

I feel low and it’s making me say no.

To living, to being and doing.

I want to be out of reach, miles away and to just pray for something with colour that’s not grey.

I am building myself but feeling like I am losing myself.

I let go of the best people around me, who go above and beyond for me.

It’s that sense of fear that makes me want to not be near.

So I just up and leave, escape and be.

This isn’t right but it’s what I like.

So I let it be and let everyone go free.

I don’t give myself that happiness because all I know is sadness.

I hope this changes and I stop being so strange and deranged.

Find yourself, Love yourself and Better yourself.

I often have my bad days and sad days.

Where thought’s run through me and I’m running through them.

Like a marathon but not knowing what will be the end of.

I tend to let it all eat me, beat me and hurt me.

Till I find a reason to live again.

I never know if I have just started or just stopped.

Yesterday was one of those days where I was stuck in the maze.

No clue how I got in and how to get out.

Till something happened that gave me light for me to make me keep up this fight.

Keep going, keep living and keep surviving.

The time will come when we will be free, without fear and we will be here. To see ourselves succeed and be. In a world, we just wanted to flee.

This is the beginning and nothing will be ending.

Find yourself, Love yourself and Better yourself.

Seek help, to start calming you from the weeping; to keep you from feeling the need for all those bad things that are making you feel so weak.

Connect yourself to the resources if you need to keep yourself checked and save yourself from being wrecked.

I thought I could deal with it but no matter what came my way… I may have survived through then but now I haven’t lived.

I’m stuck and a plain out wreck.

I am open to admitting it because it’s better than faking it.

Yes, I’m not okay but that is also OKAY!

The good days and the bad, all sum something up we won’t understand now but will later.

So I’m grateful for everything and open to new things.

To fix me, to heal me and to just be… me.

Whoever that is, whatever that includes.

To find me.

To find you.

To finding I.

You are loved; You are worthy.

You are you and that is enough for you & I.

Find yourself, Love yourself and Better yourself.

It can take a while and maybe it will be a few miles.

Till we find what’s written in our file and ready for us to fix our pile.

The right things will find us even within all the stings… Something will manage to ping.

We can only hope which will stop me from the mope.

So, here goes nothing to search for our everything.

Maybe today, or someday, maybe this May… We’ll have a bundle of joy which will make us feel complete, like a treat!

Find yourself, Love yourself and Better yourself.

April is over; the month full of darkness, sorrow and so much sadness.

We go brighter, better and stronger.

Life was given to us; even though we didn’t ask for it.

We can’t end it… we can just live it.

So live to the best of your ability, give yourself creditability and find tranquility.

We got this; you are not alone.

Find yourself, Love yourself and Better yourself.

I’m not saying go the extra mile, just the couple of steps and maybe just a smile.

As small as it is to us; it’s something more to someone else. A plus, a sense of rush and a feeling of being flushed with the refreshed air of kindness.

We can try without asking why and give it to those who are coming by.

Give even if you don’t get and don’t expect them to project when you reflect.

As I always say… Our time will come, we will be prime and then we will shine.

Hold on to the rope a little harder, stronger and longer.

We will make it out; we will.

It’s not easy, that’s exactly why it’ll all be worth it; just like a healthy meal instead of a greasy takeaway.

But we will take it all away, the blessings and the new learning and everything on the way that made us start this new beginning.

May we all live till we’re content and represent what we are truly meant for!

Find yourself, Love yourself and Better yourself.

Sometimes I’m over the moon and other times I’m below the ground.

Sometimes I know what I feel and why I feel but today is a day of no emotion but just confusion and diffusion.

When the highs are high…I’m erratic, dramatic and somewhat charismatic.

But when I hit the lows… everything’s slow and nobody knows.

No way out; just me VS me.

I wish that’s not how it’s going to be and that I can just be free.

Blood dripping, tears rolling and my heart pounding. That’s what I wish right now… but I’m fighting the urge and guiding myself instead.

To better, to good and the way to myself.

1000 and so many days in; I never started to stop.

So let’s keep this war on.

1 VS 1; me VS me.

Find yourself, Love yourself and Better yourself.

In life, we live and learn.

We keep going till we’ve started thriving.

We hurt people and people hurt us in between.

We meet so many people, some stay and some go.

In the middle of this, we hold onto all those negative moments and forget all those positive ones.

We all make mistakes but it’s important to act on those things we did wrong by being accountable and apologising when necessary.

People play a part in everything and it’s vital to remember that individuals say and do things but it is never personal and directed at you.

Holding onto resentment drags you down and weakens your attitude, mindset and emotions.

You leave a part of you within that moment instead of accepting it, forgiving the person and moving forward in time.

You stutter in the before rather than working on the after!

Let’s forgive those who did wrong, this doesn’t mean forgetting but it means moving more rather than nothing.

Find yourself, Love yourself and Better yourself.

Hello everyone, I hope you are well!

I thought today, I will greet you and meet you. Whoever you are behind this screen, I hope your pain changes and your hurt eases. I love you and you matter.

Anyways…

Saying no is always difficult, it’s always a gut-wrenching feeling.

Sometimes I’m not sure what to do but I know boundaries should be in place.

My choices should be acknowledged and these boundaries should be fastened.

Say no when you feel like it won’t do anything but take you low.

Say yes to your own choices and that little gut feeling that tells you to act on those you’re concealing and ignoring.

Sometimes the answer is within you but you forget the power of what is therein.

So to say no, all you have to do is remember that you must grow.

Making your own choices will get rid of those voices who tell you to not say no.

Find yourself, Love yourself and Better yourself.

All I do is give and never get.

All I feel is regret and never content.

I don’t know why you come to mind when I’m making decisions in my life.

The dark mind is always VS what I’m trying to find.

Sigh…

The knots are tightening, the rain is fastening and the dark is darkening.

Find yourself, Love yourself and Better yourself.

You will come across people in this life who love you, just as you love.

Who will pay attention, just as you do.

Be considerate, understanding and motivated to contain a friendship just as you.

But, we also have those people in our life that arrive to just make things clearer.

They aren’t bad people, those people are just who teach and preach to us.

They may come and go but it’s always important to remember your emotions and what you felt.

That happiness and confusion of that human who felt like comfort and now is just dust.

It’s okay to let go but it’s important to live.

To allow people to have their time and to leave.

You will find your person, you will have your soulmate or best mate.

Don’t stutter on one person when they’ve already chosen to leave.

People will come and go but you are who decides the aftermath.

Whether that be a lesson or something to live for, whether that was an experience for you or a mysterious time.

Remember to always keep living.

Be in the present, there is so much to be grateful about.

Find yourself, Love yourself and Better yourself.

My heart is pounding, my thoughts are striking and my hands are freezing.

I’m full of terror and scared I made some error.

I don’t know why I’m blaming myself but at this point every time you see me, I feel like I made you.

I wish you would leave me alone and just not show me who you are.

I wish we hadn’t have known each other.

Every time you speak to me, I wish I had a special function to turn off and zoom to space.

To not be seen nor heard or found.

To be non-existent… just at that moment.

I hope all of you stay safe and be in a place that is okay.

If you’re in any situation that makes you feel at risk, threatened or in danger. You can seek help or advice from any of the below:

Samaritans: 08457 90 90 90

Childline: 0800 11 11

NSPCC: 0808 800 500

Let’s Talk: 01482 247 111 or text TALK to 61825

NHS Direct: 111

Domestic Violence Helpline: 0800 970 2070

Victim Support: 01482 587666

National Debt Helpline: 0808 808 4000

CALM: 0800 585858

BEAT (eating disorders): 0808 801 0811

SAFE PLACE: When at risk or in danger you can access a “Safe Place” which will lead you to designated areas in your location. You can do this by searching the website safeplace.org.uk or downloading their app safe places.

Ask Angela: If you are at any risk, unsafe or feeling threatened and would like assistance… You can ask people for ‘Ask for Angela’ which is a keyword for staff at venues such as bars and clubs which would then lead to experienced staff assisting you with your concerns.

Walk Safe: There is an app you can download to allow you to feel safe by acknowledging your surroundings. The Walk Safe app sends you notifications if you are walking into dangerous areas or areas that may have risks. It also contains an app that allows you to plan your journey and assess any risks to avoid them and be safe.

Find yourself, Love yourself and Better yourself.

Everything around me feels like it’s dissolving and I’m just suffering.

It’s not blending nor is it just living.

I feel like I’m being pressed and shoved into the next chapter of my life.

I feel like I’m being forced to live… by myself.

The urges take my breath and my will to live.

I begin ignoring but then I end up mourning.

This pain will always feel the same.

It’ll always make me feel useless, powerless and I’ll always give in.

Even if it’s a day or two, I’d give in.

I’ve now accepted my episodes and my moments.

It’s okay for me to have a blip because something bad has happened.

It’s okay to consume myself with Netflix and sleep to avoid my thoughts.

It’s okay to just have a moment and step back.

To come back stronger, better and wiser.

Accept your moments, your flaws and your mistakes.

We are all human and don’t become strong without being weak first.

Find yourself, Love yourself and Better yourself.

You might find it in others or little things which have no differences to other people.

Live, laugh and love is what they say. We stand back and view our circumstances and say “how can we?”

We can… by forgetting the past and living in the present.

By not torturing ourselves with those mistakes that everyone else points out.

By owning our scars and viewing them like they’re a constellation of stars.

By appreciating what we have and not dwelling on what we can’t and don’t have.

May God bless us abundantly.

I love you; now it’s time for you to leave this page with a fresh pair of eyes!

Time will come, yours will arrive.

Believe in yourself and everything else will have its place.

Find yourself, Love yourself and Better yourself.

Whether it be tears or anger…

Don’t refrain when you feel something.

Act upon it but by yourself.

Don’t let it out on someone else with the heat of the moment, don’t let your emotions eat them.

Everything in that high, intensive and sensitive moment makes you feel like the world is against you.

So why let it be?

Give yourself a moment and cry when you need to.

Acknowledge yourself and your feelings.

Don’t dismiss what you feel just because you want to forget what’s real.

Deal with those emotions, those oceans that are causing commotions.

Be wise and be open.

To do more than before.

To act within mentally and not outlet physically.

Towards and around others.

Don’t portray your feelings on to everyone else’s something.

Everyone has their load, whether you think so or not.

They also have rainy and dark days.

Be open to accepting and allowing others to remain in their bubble.

You have you and that’s all you need.

Find yourself, Love yourself and Better yourself.

I was falling apart all day long and I had nothing to stop all the wrong.

I decided to take care of myself and thread my eyebrows…

I started crying at how bad my life is and threading my eyebrows was distracting me from my thoughts.

So I kept going and going and now I have ended up with a Nike tick of an eyebrow left.

I’ve never been so disappointed but this has taught me not to let my emotions and intrusive thoughts come in the way.

To not act upon them and even ignore them…

To just face them, head on and straight on.

Even though you’re full of heart pain and also that much empty, do not ever resort to anything at that moment.

This isn’t the first time I’ve done something drastic but it is the first time in a very long while.

But I guess we fake it till we make it.

Find yourself, Love yourself and Better yourself.

Sometimes it’s hard to control, other times it’s a ball in the park.

Sometimes emotions and feelings are ignored but these thoughts have always remained.

It all looks so foggy and seems so non-existent but in reality, it is all coming together.

Believing in myself is something I’ve been trying hard to do.

By remembering that every leaf falls with a reason, knowing every situation I’m put in has something to take from.

It’s hard to keep a mindset that often has a bet to burn like a cigarette, to turn into ashes any minute and reset to default.

The need for everything to be perfect is to be checked.

To not defect.

To not expect.

To be is all we need.

To see what’s around our scene and admire what we can be, rather than flee and view someone else’s garden which is so green.

You cannot grow something without feeding it, so give your mind the nutrients to create the flowers.

Read things that inspire you, aspire you; to follow your path in this lonely society.

Be who you want to be and not only what you see thriving.

Start striving in your manner, drive your boat and lead what you believe!

Find yourself, Love yourself and Better yourself.

The deadlines, the broken timelines and those arranged times.

My sleep schedule is a mess and my soul isn’t at rest.

I often wish to do more but only to ignore what I said before.

I do not know how to feel but that is what it’s like to be real.

To be somewhat normal.

It’s okay to not know or to not be okay. This is what I tend to forget.

The feelings, the voices and the mind. It’s okay for them to tell you things you’re not.

The inside will always assume what’s on the other side.

Even when you know, your brain will tell you, you don’t know.

So let’s get ourselves together, to be okay with everything that feels not okay.

To love even when you feel like you haven’t got anything inside of you.

To be, even when you want to leave.

To feel, even when everything is unrealistic.

So be alive, take that hot or cold shower.

Do those impulsive things like buying a takeout, taking a trip to the theme park, dressing differently, shopping for something you don’t even need.

But don’t forget to do the things you need to like washing your laundry, cleaning your room, finishing that assignment, making your bed for tonight, finishing your meal and just drinking 2 litres a day.

At least one of those small things can make your day feel complete.

To make you feel like you haven’t been defeated and in fact…YOU HAVE JUST STARTED.

Find yourself, Love yourself and Better yourself.

When I get sad, I reflect on all those bad days, times, things I’ve done.

All those regrets but then with the breakdown, I learn how amazing and strong I am.

That I got through it the night before or the day before that.

That I got through all those attempts, dangers and risks.

I made it through.

So what is stopping me tonight?

My thoughts, my inner voices and the urge.

But I know I will make it through.

I say this all the time because I feel it EVERY time.

I look back at all these blogs and see so much emotion run through my veins. So much pain, sorrow and misery.

The touch of positivity is what’s keeping me going.

The 90% of negativity to the 10% of positivity is holding me on.

So I don’t wish for anything today…

Today. I AM GRATEFUL!

For the journey, for the feelings, for the pain, for the hurt. For all that which has made me who I am right now.

Even these tears right now which are bursting with sadness will sum up to some sort of happiness.

I am grateful to be me.

I am thankful to keep learning through my journey.

I am important.

I am loved.

I am trying and THAT IS ALL THAT MATTERS.

Find yourself, Love yourself and Better yourself.

It’s been foggy and everything feels so cloggy.

It’s like a drain that gets some things stuck and the rest just flows.

The negativity is there and positivity is where?

Nowhere.

But I’m trying to change that…

More focus and less cycles.

More change and less emotion.

More depth and less stress.

The way I’ve come, it’s a lot to me.

The journey is suffocating but I’m also blossoming.

The breakdowns are making me want to pick up my crown and forget what led to my frown.

I will make the days brighter and not expect them to magically differ without my change.

We have this under control!

Our emotions are there and our thoughts are floating. They will never leave…So why don’t we start accepting that?

Sometimes we have to dig through a lot before we get to what we want.

There’s a lot of dirt; till the diamond is found.

Find yourself, Love yourself and Better yourself.

So I think I’ve come to the time to throw away the rope.

That held me for so long, which stopped me and weakened me.

So I’ll stop to moan and mope around.

Instead, begin to let go of all that and elope from my mind.

To ignore the negative within my mind and focus on the positive in my life.

Good news or bad, I’m sure there’s something to take from it.

Whether it changes you or makes you, whether it breaks you or builds you…

It will be a part of you.

So own it.

Don’t regret it.

It’s you, so why regret who YOU are?

Nor can you change that factor or ignore that sector of your past.

So love yourself a little more on those days where the negativity is all you see, focus on yourself a little more and ignore the exterior.

These goals will be fulfilled, these nights with that mind will find light and those people who don’t see you right now.

They will see you shine.

Find yourself, Love yourself and Better yourself.

I want it to end but has it even started?

These thoughts are endless and the emotions are restless.

How does it feel to not be so mixed with emotion, confusion and so much explosion from within?

It is like a volcano erupting, spreading and disrupting.

I feel like I’m unable to breathe, let alone see.

See forward and move forward… How when all this is leading me backwards?

Back to the urge of peace through harm, back to old ways which mislead me, back to what I left to become this me.

What do I do when I’m so lost within me that everything around me has become nothing?

I feel like I have the answers but choose to ignore them.

I feel like I’m just battling something weak and that I’m too strong for it.

It feels like this is just a blip… but it’s so ongoing.

Never-ending.

Never finishing.

The hope won’t leave me that one day; the good days will be more.

The good days will be there.

The good days that are so constant and full of all those positive emotions… yet I have to feel.

The darkness will leave…

Hopefully.

I pray for a time that this all becomes reality.

Amen.

Find yourself, Love yourself and Better yourself.

It’s a bit of a mess, so I apologise for not being the best.

My thoughts haven’t been shared even though they needed to be heard.

The past is haunting and the future is daunting.

I wish I had myself together, somewhat lighter and fresher.

The past couple of days have taught me to stop being so stuck in my maize and find a way from all this craze.

As much as I would like to move on, there is something always stopping me.

Holding me and never letting me loosen.

My dark thoughts have never been darker…

But I know the light will find me or I will find the light.

Even though it’s hard, dreadful and hateful.

One day it will all be so cheerful.

Find yourself, Love yourself and Better yourself.

Hi everyone! To those who are new and even those who aren’t. This is for you to know me better, to build our relationship and understanding of what I do.

I will try not to bore you to death…

Well, to begin with, I go by the name “muni.”

This blogging account of mine has been ongoing for several years but every year has a newer resolution for this platform.

My goal is to help you all and share those experiences that may be looked down upon.

This includes focusing on the mental health side of things.

I am no expert but I will help with any concerns!

You can always drop a comment and let me know what floats your boat!

Whether this is online or in real life, your thoughts always matter. So, please do reach out for help if that is what you need.

The topics on this blog vary depending on how I feel or what I excessively think of on that particular day. Just as we are on the topic; my day to blog is always a Wednesday.

I do have the odd days when I struggle but I let it all juggle and make it work.

So make sure you have that slight peek on the website to see what I may write.

Find yourself, Love yourself and Better yourself

It’s not something to forget, it is always there.

It’s like it’s always in the air because wherever you go, there’s a feeling of it, there’s a thought of anxiety over it.

That trauma, those memories and flashbacks.

It all flickers within you like a switch.

I just wish it was easier and just a little simpler.

That which my past wouldn’t reflect the present and that my future isn’t dictated from my past.

The sense of normality makes me feel like I’m happy and then the sense of past experiences just throws me off and I become saddened.

I wish I could brush it off or pull away but there’s not much I can do when it feels so true.

The confusion is causing a delusion which is leading to a complication.

Within my mind, within the perceptions and the differences.

I hope we can get through this.

Find yourself, Love yourself and Better yourself.

We often come home from a day that drains us and sometimes makes us a little less sane.

We leave a mess, we avoid things purposely and begin to procrastinate to do it all on a different day.

Sometimes that day comes and other times it becomes invisible.

We learn to live with the bits and bobs around us and never get to them.

This can be work, education, laundry, cooking your favourite meal. It’s what you procrastinate and forget.

So let’s get up and do what we need to.

To feel refreshed and at our best, it seems less but the mess does cause a little more stress.

So get it out the way, over and done with.

Do the things you need to and stop leaving them till tomorrow or the day after.

Sometimes the little things are what cure us.

You have to acknowledge your mess to then progress.

Forgiving yourself, doing your chores, completing the tasks that were set weeks ago or maybe months.

Let’s up our game and become more concentrated in our lane and not stuck in our brains.

I love you and this will get better. Maybe not easier just less dramatic and more suppressed.

Our thoughts are like clouds, sometimes they’re full and other times they’re empty. So let them move and let it all go as the days go past.

Find yourself, Love yourself and Better yourself.

I’m not sure how I feel but it’s nothing to thank.

I feel like I’ve masked all these tasks that I have already outranked.

I beat myself up, I ignore the truth and I turn blind to reality.

I act as if I’ve sinned but all I’ve done is lived.

I wish those around me would face the facts or not stack against me.

The worst, the best and the least. It’s taken all out of me and all different times.

I am hated but also loved. I’m not sure how it works but it does.

I’ll continue to ignore and then aspire to be more.

I’m not sure how to keep going besides the love of God and the small tiny voice inside me that want’s to be so much more than I have ever been.

So let’s see what’s to be seen and hear those who want to be heard.

We will be better, I love you.

Find yourself, Love yourself and Better yourself.

Your pain is not mine.

So how do you compare when it’s not the same?

How can you name my difficulties aren’t hard enough when I feel like the walls are closing in?

My mind is darkening, my emotions are numbing and my heart is aching.

Constant suicidal thoughts; which I didn’t ask for…

No pain is less and no pain differs.

Your pain is just as deep as you feel, it doesn’t change if I say; nor if I compare.

Do not be insensitive, do not be mean and always be cautious of your words.

If you do not have something good to say then don’t.

Keep it within you and shut the lid on your bin.

Find yourself, Love yourself and Better yourself.

Discipline is the way to start pinpointing your focus.

To not be disappointing yourself, straightening the path for yourself makes it easier.

Creating your own bubble and shovelling your thoughts in one direction should help.

Give yourself set times, places and dedicate certain things towards what you want to focus on.

It may be a goal, an ambition or completing your education.

A routine, a cycle and a habit.

Then slowly things will ease.

At first, it’ll feel extremely tense but this will help you sense what is happening and stop you from avoiding what needs to be done.

Ignore the rest and focus on what is best.

Those everyday casual thoughts need to be put aside for you to concentrate. By doing this you can set certain times or dedicate a part of the day to focus on what is just there. This will allow you to better your focus and annihilate what’s in between your goals.

So keep trying, keep going and keep doing.

Your future is in your hands and how you want to react is what will play out in the act.

Good luck finding your focus, I hope this teaches you to be more cautious of what you let into you mentally.

I love you and don’t forget how much you matter!

Find yourself, Love yourself and Better yourself.

We overthink, we overview and feel like we’ll never overcome for what’s to come.

The anxiety of the presence is non-existent.

We dwell on what’s coming and ignore what’s happening.

What do we do when we feel so stuck in the future?

We take a step back, we catch ourselves and a breath.

We realise where we are is somewhere that we were wanting to be.

We keep it moving; we have to.

We have to live the present, feel the upcoming and not dwell.

We need to hear, see and feel what is around us.

Live the moment we’re in…

Overcome the anxiety of the future to focus on the present.

Thrive now and dive into the future when it comes.

Your dreams and ambitions will remain there, you can think of them but do not stress over them and make yourself a mess.

Find yourself, Love yourself and Better yourself.

It hurts, it wounds but it eventually heals.

So smile even though it will be a while till everything is a little less vile.

Go with the flow, own it and learn it.

These obstacles, the trials and the issues will soon resolve by themselves.

Time will come and things will fade, it might not feel better but it will get slightly easier.

So hold on a little tighter, a little firmer and be your own armour.

It’s whatever you want to see it as; so let it be something dead and left in the open or let it be born and blossom.

Focus on what is in front of you and do not stress of what is to come next to you.

You can only control the present, so be pleasant to yourself.

Find yourself, Love yourself and Better yourself.

Sometimes I’m hurting and other times I’m smiling but most of the time I’m healing and falling.

So I apologise for all those blogs that make you sense my darkness and how the light is so dim on my side.

The ups I have are highs and the lows I have include breakdowns.

So I hope my thoughts make sense, my words make sentences and those unexplainable feelings are explained.

I apologise for the lack of content and constant negativity. I pray this is the lowest I will get. From here on we will be up. I pray this is my time. To shine and be high on the nine.

I love you all.

Sometimes my thoughts are like waves that come at the right time and right speed but other times I’m like an animal who doesn’t even understand English.

We shall continue to grow and prosper even when we want to try to die and have the need to be an imposter.

That’s a dishonour, so allow me to now be a goner.

Find yourself, Love yourself and Better yourself.

How do I describe this?

Am I drowning or sinking? Or am I floating and still living?

The blergh just involves us to just be being.

To be here but not see so clear.

It’s like a fogged and fucked up mind.

Excuse my language but how can I express such pieces of chess?

Everything just feels less and so compressed within my chest around my breasts.

I wish I was impressed by the success that I have earned access.

Smiling faces, aching hearts and masked emotions.

Is there something we’re missing or is it just something we’re forgetting?

The tides are coming to shore so we must not snore, on our dreams, nor our ambitions and in our reality.

So let us keep it going and keep feeling, even if it isn’t what we’re needing.

I’m sure one day this will lead to some kind of healing.

Find yourself, Love yourself and Better yourself.

You’d think it’d be dangerous but it’s just a stranger.

With a heart and is also trying to find a part.

It’s the smallest thing they could say like “you look good!”’or “I like your outfit” and sometimes even as little as a smile.

So be at ease and don’t feel like you have to please.

When your own do not tell you the things you need, those around you who don’t know you would describe you in ways you’d never imagine.

One conversation, an interaction can lead to satisfaction.

In my opinion, the best is with those who don’t know you.

The conversations lead to the most randomise of topics and may treat you like an antibiotic.

Maybe I’m wrong or maybe I’m not.

But give it a go, compliment someone. It can be anyone!

The things you do always return.

So keep a clean heart and open arms, you are always building your own fate by what you do.

I love you all and may we all have a journey that only educates us and builds us.

Find yourself, Love yourself and Better yourself.

Within our journey, we have days, for flight or fight.

We decide if we should make it right or struggle with such sights.

Trying which involves so much crying and from within so much dying.

So many people, so many thoughts and so many opinions.

All of this leads to overthinking and being something that isn’t convincing to yourself.

So try my love…

Try for you.

Love for you.

Be for you.

Nothing else but YOU.

And when you’ve finished trying, you’ll be relieved and feeling like you’ve just dreamed.

I love you and never do something for the sake of someone else.

You should be the only reason to start and finish.

Find yourself, Love yourself and Better yourself.

I took off my clothes and gave them a throw, who would’ve known I could get this low?

My nights have been disrupted and my mind has been attacked. I wish I knew how to stop feeling so cracked.

Aches and pains, mentally and physically ill. I feel like there is no way out of this.

The dim lights, clammy skin and my patience were so thin.

I feel like nobody cares.

No calls or texts from the ones I love. They are blind to my pain and think I’m just insane.

I wanna feel loved, be someone beloved but I am just that person who is shoved into the corner.

I have to stop expecting things and just start understanding that I am always going to be standing alone.

To be okay, I have to accept that not being okay is okay.

Not being loved by others is okay but choosing to ignore the love for me is not.

We have to put ourselves first always.

Don’t let the pain lead you to the tunnels where there is no light and it’s full of darkness that hurts you.

I love you.

Find yourself, Love yourself and Better yourself.

It was bright and all the light was found.

My test felt eased and my heartfelt opened.

For the first time in so long, I felt okay… May this stay the same.

You say – “Amen.”

Better, stronger and healthier. May we all be!

The day was full of joy and ended with me slightly annoyed.

I’m okay with that because I learnt so much more and had the negativity be burnt.

Even though we are used to living the sadness, feeling the pain and portraying the hurt.

We can be more and we can get better.

Make the most of that one good day you have, even if it follows with 1000 bad days.

You had a good day, you had a smile, you had more than meaning and felt connected.

Time shall set things in place.

I love you and I wish you the best always.

Find yourself, Love yourself and Better yourself.

Your options, your questions and your intentions; should never be based on others.

What they want, what they’d like and how they’d feel.

Be you and choose you.

Do not make life-changing or even small changing decisions because of what others would like.

It will lead to endless disappointment and dissatisfaction.

Live for you and every choice you make, FOR YOU.

Relying on others and changing yourself for someone else, will never benefit you or your life.

It is like living someone else’s life. Why do such things when they have their choices and you have yours?

Be you and fulfil your own needs before someone else’s.

What I am saying does not mean that you do not take into account their thoughts and feelings, it just means not living your life the way they perceive and conceiving what you think is right.

Be your person.

Share what’s yours, light or even night.

Choose Y O U.

Find yourself, Love yourself and Better yourself.

How should I feel?

Is this even real?

All this feels non-existent and I am questioning my existence…

Even though I sleep, it just feels like 5 minutes of rest. What is this test?

Blinded by emotions, the thoughts are like slow waves from the ocean which are causing a commotion.

The light is dim and my patience is thin.

When will my time come and when can I stop feeling so numb?

It’s been 64 days since my social media detox, I’ve learnt things and I’ve gained things.

But most of all I saw myself…

The pressure, the agony and the disappointment that I lay so thick, without any other say.

I acknowledge how hard I am going.

That is not healthy and it will certainly not make me happy.

So I have to be okay.

Okay with not being first, okay with everything that goes wrong. Okay with my surroundings. Okay for not having control.

Finding yourself is hard but ignoring who you’ve become makes it all harder.

Face yourself and your fears to stop all those tears.

Good cannot come from what is bad, so change that.

I hope you are all well and are seeking something healthy, positive and beneficial.

I love you all! Till next time 😉

Find yourself, Love yourself and Better yourself.

Some individuals are so different that it makes them so interesting.

Their way of love, their way of showing things and the way of handling things.

They’re so different that the way they’d react and the impact is unknown.

You go out of your way for wanting more of them.

You become addicted, needed and committed.

For more but that bores them.

I guess now we start lying to ourselves and ignoring the truth.

No love is comparable and nothing else is compatible… than you.

You’re so close but also so far.

You are my darkness but my happiness.

You are my love but also full of my hate.

It’s like I was born to love you.

You taught me to love, showed butterflies and created happiness. But there was also the hate, fear and pain.

I felt safe with you, you were my home.

My all and more.

Without you, my head is a mess, something like braindead.

You are my comfort, my sunburst, my love.

You are the drug I’m using.

You are the one I’m choosing.

But you are so confusing, my craving and so irritating.

Find yourself, Love yourself and Better yourself.

I can’t think straight.

I’m feeling all the weight.

I wish I could be great.

Not knowing what’s ongoing but I wish it was glowing.

I guess it’s just a dark morning and late-night full of me yearning for more.

Clammy palms, unshakeable feelings and deep wounds.

None of which can be fixed just ignored and mixed.

I get attached and then make myself feel collapsed.

I let go to find better but I’m too eager.

I get stuck and full of feelings.

I just wanna get out of this muck and be struck with happiness and forget all the sadness.

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

I think that is all that can explain my mind right now.

I wanna scream and shout.

I wanna fucking let go.

…

It will be okay.

It will.

Let’s breathe in…

1. Inhale that good clean air – 3 seconds, let your stomach rise and feel like a balloon.

2. FEEL IT.

3. Exhale all those negative thoughts – catch yourself back in this moment.

Realise your worth and potential.

You have so much going for you.

Maybe it’s invisible right now but it is inevitable.

You got this far and it wasn’t to stop.

So let’s all keep going. Together.

We need to forgive ourselves and begin to excel.

The best comes from within us, so don’t look past your skin.

I love you. EVERY ONE OF YOU!

Find yourself, Love yourself and Better yourself.

Hello, it’s me trying to let go again.

Trying to let go of the harsh thoughts.

The flashbacks, the reminders and the constant trauma.

I think the first step to doing this is to realize it is not my fault and to take it as a pinch of salt.

To start accepting and begin stepping forward.

To do and to not think about who.

As lost as I am, I feel just as much more within.

Time does not heal you, your mindset does.

The way you think and the way you perceive things.

Be head-on, accept your mistakes instead of ignoring them.

When you accomplish something be proud of yourself and do not let it slip past your back.

Don’t let the darkness afflict you.

If you cannot find the light in the tunnel, be the LIGHT.

Make yourself happy, find new things, give up old and bad habits.

Be new and be you.

The only thing stopping you from pursuing your dreams is yourself.

So keep going and keep doing.

Find your peace before laying your sheet.

We are not done.

We will strive and we will thrive before we become deprived.

Find yourself, Love yourself and better yourself.

Endless tears, so many fears, but now it’s all clear.

Non-existent traces and no more connections.

I feel free and I can finally see.

The open-world with the broken souls who are lost within moments.

Our choices do not reflect us as people and whoever says this has no reason and is just evil.

Ignore your past or own it but whatever you do, never hate yourself.

Your actions made you grow and it wasn’t a distraction or a reaction.

It was what you thought was right and that’s that.

Live your life to the fullest.

Don’t let someone else’s lies make you feel sliced.

I love you so much.

We will be free.

We will be okay…

Together.

Find yourself, Love yourself and better yourself.

You come and go.

When you stay it’s only for you.

I don’t want something that’s temperamental and that’s not me being judgemental.

I will put myself first in every situation.

Without your interference of confusion.

Funny conversations, deep connections and so many ideations.

I wish you could just let me be or be with me.

One way or no way.

Just make it easier and stop making me feel crazier.

Thank you for the good times, the bad times but now…

It’s MY time.

To love me.

To build me.

To adore me.

To give the world to me.

BY MYSELF.

Find yourself, Love yourself and better yourself.

I’ve come to terms that everyone has a reason.

Reasons to be there, to text and to care.

Something beneficial for them.

But nothing official for me.

We break hearts…

But we fix some parts.

My love is too much.

My heart is too full.

But this world is too empty.

Not deserving nor serving.

I love everything so that nothing has a chance to hit me back.

I give it my all so I do not feel less.

So I do not fall nor lose the chance of something blessed.

The more I give, the more I feel whole but also like I have achieved a goal.

I ask you to love, even when you feel hate.

Accept whatever it is that hurts you.

Forgive your past self to move forward.

Move forward and live for now, nor before nor later.

All those mistakes, those disastrous ends that fail to meet, just let them be.

Focus on your goals and everything else will follow.

May we all be on the right path which leads us to happiness with God and ourselves.

Find yourself, Love yourself and better yourself.

It is okay to let go…

To start again, for YOURSELF.

To be leaving everything else.

To be your best self.

You’ll never be less, unless you stop loving yourself.

You are enough when you see yourself for yourself.

You are what you want to be.

You are what you make yourself see.

It isn’t easy but it will be.

Love yourself, find what makes you YOU.

Tick off your bucket list, learn more about yourself.

Take yourself out instead of others.

Go to your favourite restaurant by yourself, the date on your own.

Stop seeking for yourself in everyone else.

Love everything even if it hurts sometimes.

Find yourself, Love yourself and better yourself.

Trauma is like a sauna.

Full of fog and heat, which continues to get to you, one way or another.

Either you suppress it or face it.

I just feel like a broken glass vase with no control.

I cannot be taped nor can this be escaped.

Even if I accept everyone else just oversteps.

My thoughts are random dots and now becoming knots.

Hard to figure, difficult to understand…

How do I express it when it all feels like it is a failed test?

Broken hearts, confused minds and societies all blind.

I wish mental health was taken seriously and more importantly.

I wish it was seen as more than just a darkened burden.

I wish I could love everything and not worry about being vulnerable.

I wish my softness would not be used against me with such badness.

But…

I will continue to love because every bad experience will not minus the positive experiences.

Maybe something bright will find me with the light.

May we be full of love.

I love you.

Find yourself, Love yourself and better yourself.

I’ve hit 1000.

It’s a milestone.

I feel like I’m on a high stone.

I feel blown away and so grown within myself.

It’s like everything is suddenly known.

The feeling is unreal, it is all so surreal.

I will do everything since I am now free and ready to heal.

I am enough, damn I am so chuffed!

It took me a while to realise but this is the start of my trials.

May all our hardships be eased!

May love to be found within ourselves before anything else.

It is never too late to start on yourself to forget everything else.

We got this!

I love you.

Find yourself, Love yourself and better yourself.

This isn’t a call for an emergency.

It’s for your eyes to see what I created tirelessly, gorgeously which is so worthily.

I’ve been clean for this many, my heart feels so heavy.

Without a team and just me.

I have no idea how I got this far.

My determination within this duration deserves more than a graduation.

Those sleepless nights, painful thoughts and endless urges feel enough today.

Today I win and not my demons within.

This all has been an endless spin that started selflessly but now is displayed beautifully.

I am enough.

I am important.

I am loved.

I am worthy.

Everything I failed to believe, has been retrieved and now is seen.

I see myself for who I am and not who I used to be.

I appreciate the moments with myself instead of wanting someone else.

The alone inside is enough and nothing else needs to be shown.

Be the strongest you, fight for yourself and nothing else.

Those dreams, those means is your chance to be the Queen of your cards.

Find yourself, Love yourself and better yourself.

As empty as I am, as cold as I feel, I wish I could just heal.

The sound of rain emerges from all the pain.

Extreme thoughts, ambitious passion and sadness roots through me.

When I want to stop, I always ask myself why I started.

For myself and nothing else.

These thoughts have taught me nothing but made exhaust.

Several dreams and several ways.

May we all be successful, blissful and full of potential.

The lows will always have pros.

Learn to share and intake.

Because when you believe, you will have you to achieve.

Have faith in yourself, then let everyone else taste what you have displayed.

I love you and no matter where you come from or what your past includes.

YOU are a warrior.

A stronger, tougher and better than ever before version of you will find YOU.

Whatever you are fighting, remember that soon you will be smiling.

Even when it’s bad, there is some good in it.

I love you.

Find yourself, Love yourself and better yourself.

I have nothing to express.

Everything is suppressed.

I just want to feel refreshed.

What do I do when I feel neglect?

Green trees, blue skies and wet roads.

Heavy hearts and empty minds.

Several different emotions, which are not spoken.

I want a solution or something in motion.

I want to speak about the unspoken which is huge as the ocean.

Dark minds and extreme thoughts full of suicide.

Empty feelings, pulsing hearts and our minds at risk.

Demons at war but I wish I could just be like before.

My time will come, so things will no longer be dull.

1000 days self harm soon clean, so I should stop being so mean.

I should let myself be and just feel a little free.

Soon I will lock my demons away and lose the key.

I can cope, so now I have begun to see hope.

Remember to love yourself before you fall in love with things that aren’t forever.

Some things won’t remain together and fall apart just like the weather.

Your priority should always be yourself and God.

Do not let anything come in the way of your growth and take you both.

Find yourself, Love yourself and better yourself.

My scars are healing.

My thoughts are disrupting.

My war is never-ending.

My demons are screaming.

Bloodstained blades.

I’m stuck in a maze.

Over 979 days clean now, that’s a reason to be appraised.

I wish I could pray and feel a little saner.

But most nights are loud like I’m stuck in a crowd… When will I be allowed to leave this dark cloud?

This pain isn’t allowing me to gain, it’s just causing me more stains.

I feel like I’m attached to a the back of a train dragging myself in these chains along the railways.

BUT…

I will always keep going.

My story will forever continue and so will YOURS.

My ability won’t weaken but only strengthen.

I am not in the way of my dreams; my mind is just on the wrong team.

I will stand with all force and ignore these thoughts.

Dark minds, late nights… One day it will all become somewhat bright.

Find yourself, Love yourself and better yourself.

My palms are clammy.

My hands are shaking.

My stomach is aching.

My legs feel numb.

I feel like I’m under someone’s thumb.

I’m feeling everyone staring…

But I find that it’s just my mind.

What do I do when it’s all up in my brains and I feel like I’m in chains?

Locked away, held against my will.

Can somebody free me so I can feel again?

Trapped, strapped and attacked.

By my mind which is wrapped with everything that causes me to feel kidnapped.

My mind includes someone else inside.

Find yourself, Love yourself and better yourself.

My complexion is gaining unnecessary attention.

I accepted being different and ignored the ignorant.

Why do my looks affect you?

I know it’s part of the test.

But it’s an irritation causing a deflation.

My colour is all you see and truly not me.

How am I meant to feel when all you want is for me to peal? Just please let me heal.

I’m sad, I’m mad but I wish I was a tad happy.

The last time I was, it was in a nappy.

To ignore without letting them hit a score.

My skin, my limb and my within are unchangeable.

So let’s make that acceptable.

You can kick me whilst I’m already down but when I’m up you’ll think it’s a magic trick.

Love me or leave me, God got me.

The money got me.

And most importantly.

I GOT ME.

Growth is a process alone that is then suddenly known.

Find yourself, Love yourself and better yourself.

I’ve been waking up to people dying.

Sleeping by me crying.

Aching and hurting.

It’s non-stopping and never-ending.

I want to find a way.

It is all I have to say.

This is a test and in this world, I am just a guest.

My life will end and you can pretend to be my friend and attend.

I know who was there, I know what saved me.

May God reunite us in the next life.

I love you all, remember that you will never be alone.

The pain is endless but do not become selfless.

These times are harder but you will bind stronger.

I believe in you.

Your existence is needed and your worth is underestimated.

Find yourself, Love yourself and better yourself.

Lately, I’m not striving and it’s just hurting.

But that’s okay as it is my time of pain.

It was the 3rd year of the anniversary of my suicide attempt and everyone around me was laughing.

I have several other anniversaries coming up that are still triggering my sadness which is leading to some sort of madness.

There is no motivation which means no satisfaction which leads to several distractions.

I wish I could explain what this time entails.

It is the worst and I wish to not feel.

I wish I could heal but it is all so surreal.

I hope God will find me before I lose my mind.

This time is precious but I am no longer ambitious.

The reality, the loss of sanity are all breaking my fantasy.

But hopefully the next time I blog I am sharing something wiser and better.

So apologies for my inconsistencies and lack of postage, I still love you all.

I am just losing myself and hopefully, soon I will start choosing myself.

By the will of God, everything will fall into place.

Find yourself, Love yourself and better yourself.

I haven’t been blogging because I’ve not been feeling.

It’s like everything should be stopped, so I can get other things started…

It’s like a never-ending wish; to begin and not allow a break-in.

I am stronger and better.

I have achieved a lot over a few months which feels like tons.

So now I wanna stop…

My motivation is dying because I haven’t reached my dream station.

I am my Lord’s creation and I have meaning.

So why should I stop?

Why should I neglect you from not feeling alone?

So let me stop guessing the future like a sore loser.

We all have our down days or period of times full of sadness and madness.

We need to accept that and not be too hard on ourselves.

What’s between our dreams is US.

Our dreams deserve time, nothing will happen overnight.

So build yourself and don’t let the blows hitting you make you slow.

You are more than capable, unbreakable and able.

What you feel others won’t,

What you understand others won’t.

So let others go, live your life.

Pray to God because He gave you this.

You won’t miss anything with Him by your side.

Nothing and nobody else will save you.

Have faith, you can do this.

I love you and you matter.

Find yourself, Love yourself and better yourself.

You ask I tell.

You avoid and I get annoyed.

What do you expect when you said you’d check?

I hate the fact I try to just find out you lied.

Everyone is the same and everything will remain the same.

What can I do besides trying to stay sane?

Opening up is just speaking for no reason.

What happens when I say I’m not okay?

What will you do besides try and get me institutionalised or hospitalised?

Now please learn that our bridges are burnt.

God has me and that’s all I need now.

He will take the pain that I learnt.

He will make me better.

He is all we have.

Our Lord knows what lies in our hearts and minds.

Him who understands without you speaking.

Find yourself, Love yourself and better yourself.

Perspective and aspect are vital.

It should be your title to achieve but before that, you need to believe.

The world is what you want to see not what you want it to be.

See what you need, to pursue and get through.

Don’t think about who just you.

Make yourself a priority and your mentality.

Your thoughts come first, don’t do this in reverse.

Follow your mind and kill the sorrow.

Do what you need to be in the lead.

We are all in competition and that should give you a sensation along with a sense of accomplishment.

You can do anything you want if you put your mind to it.

So find it and fight your tides.

You are enough.

It’ll be tuff, ruff and you’ll be scruffed.

But your success is what you make it.

So see it and pursue it.

Find your clues before you turn loose.

Find yourself, Love yourself and better yourself.

What I do causes me to burn then learn.

I wish I could just love myself enough to not give a fuck.

But I give and don’t take, then wonder why I ache.

I think but don’t express.

It all just causes stress which goes so deep you can’t even guess.

I wanna stop…

but if I do I’ll drop.

So let’s hope we can keep going and stop moping.

I got this.

We got this.

The pain will change into many powers.

This life will be ours.

So love hard and forget the mourning dove.

Give and don’t think about getting.

Live your life to your satisfaction and ignore the other temptations.

Be your creation.

I love you and you are the strongest.

Find yourself, Love yourself and better yourself.

The changes are coming,

And I am taking them.

I will not fall down or be shut down.

The world is whatever I want it to be in my eyes.

This is my life with no one else’s choice.

I will fight and make myself right.

I will get what I deserve,

I will be heard.

From now on I am claiming and not asking.

By the will of God everything that is mine and will be falling from the skies.

Nobody will be tied to me.

I am my person and I am all I need.

May God bless us all with the need to live for ourselves more than anything else.

Find yourself, Love yourself and better yourself.

For you, I turn.

Without you, I burn.

Now you are my only concern.

For you I love but it is not enough.

How will I survive if you’re not in my life?

What can I do if it doesn’t include you?

Let’s fall into the dark abyss and forget we exist.

I’m broken but I’m sure I can share my tokens.

One day but not in this life;

Maybe it will be the afterlife.

Love from a distance.

Become hurt within an instance.

Adore your existence without resistance.

God will find and not divide.

He will create us if it is a must.

Do not doubt.

For you, I will give my last ounce.

Find yourself, Love yourself and better yourself.

It feels surreal to reach so far with all these scars.

3 figures with many triggers.

I was unstable but able.

Heartbroken but now outspoken.

Urging to hurt but trying to keep alert.

To feel alive without causing pain or change my aim.

My goal was to stop pretending and start trending, to start accepting and reaching.

But this lockdown has got me to shut down and not even soon will I touch down.

I’m clean and that’s the scene.

Eight hundred and eighty-eight days clean of self-harm and now it feels like a charm.

I am my strength and I will reach all lengths.

Believe and don’t grieve.

Start and don’t stop following your heart.

Don’t ever fall apart.

Find yourself, Love yourself and better yourself.

There are times when everything may go downhill.

Like the weather, we have our ups and downs. Our peaks of the high and the leaks of the low.

We are allowed to feel such a way but what we are not allowed is to lose the attitude and mindset we gained whilst being positive through the ups.

We stay up and we stay going. It’s going to be hard but loving yourself is the first step to keep going.

To never stop, regardless of what comes in the way.

Whether that be disappointment, achievement or rejection.

Keep going. Yes, I say it every time. It’s true. and it’s all I can say when that’s all I can define.

You should enjoy yourself but not harm yourself and when I say this I don’t mean physically I mean mentally. The torture of being hard on yourself or having a good time in a manner than effects you in the long term.

You have to let go of yourself and be okay with whatever else it may be.

Forgive yourself, it wasn’t your fault.

Rejection, disappointment or achievement is only meant to help you go harder.

To keep fighting; to be stronger, happier and better than who you were before.

It’s hard but it won’t last.

Your happiness is your decision.

What you do will affect you in all the ways possible.

Keep the right attitude and never lose it. Try and refrain from that and keep going in the right direction even if it’s constant rejection at that moment.

You got this now make your list and be your gift.

Nobody will be there like yourself so hold on to all you got left of yourself.

YOUR EXISTENCE IS NEEDED AND YOUR WORTH IS UNDERESTIMATED.

I love you and I wish I would’ve known all this that I am telling you before, please don’t take my words lightly. You can achieve; just believe❤️

Find yourself, Love yourself and better yourself.

I’m over 800 days clean but also nearly insane.

All that I stopped for them to keep ignoring. It’s like I’m chasing them to start realising.

What I’ve become…

How far I’ve come!

Why do I have to remind you, to see what you wanted me to be?

I got here without no help and at no cost.

I forced myself out of the hole that you made me choose but now I’m out you don’t even want to turn back and look.

I’m trying to do you proud but all you make me feel is down.

You don’t love nor am I enough.

I did all that you wanted for nothing but to be ignored.

Even though I love myself and I am where I am due to my own strength.

A little recognition won’t kill.

It’s like you’re punishing me for all my sins.

Please stop all these hints.

You won’t have to wish for my death; I’ll commit it.

One day I won’t be here and you’ll be just fine.

I don’t matter to you anymore and that’s fine.

You moved on and replaced me like a piece of furniture with no heart or part.

Why make me come so far just to be alone?

You aren’t with me so I’m losing and breaking.

Soon I will be leaving and you won’t be stopping.

One day I’ll commit all the things you wanted me not to…

OR

One day I’ll be all those things I told you I will be, my several careers and countless differences to the world. One day I’ll be there but I’ll always remember how I got there. Because of me. Nothing else. ME.

For me being the strongest and making myself the proudest.

I will be okay.

I will make sure of it.

I will go far or maybe ill stop.

Whatever the option; I know I did well.

I know my battle lasted and I tried. Now that is enough.

Find yourself, Love yourself and better yourself.

It’s so exhausting trying to keep maintaining those relationships that keep failing.

I keep giving but never be receiving.

I’m so tired of not being selfish, what have I put myself in?

You give once and they’ll keep trying to take, it’ll be endless and harmful.

I don’t know how to say no.

I feel like I’m their drug even though they take me for a mug and don’t love.

What even am I when they don’t appreciate and just dissociate and humiliate when it comes to me, it’s like they don’t want me to be but neither will they let me heal.

I give all of me for wishing for something but I get nothing.

My pain, my sadness, my problems…

It all feels never-ending like it’s just starting.

If you relate to this pain, I hope we soon feel a change.

I love you even when no one tells you, you will always be amazing in my eyes.

So repeat after me for our sanity:

– I am Important

– I am Loved

– I am Worthy

– I am Enough

Even when no one lets you know; remember my words and let me allow you to feel what you deserve.

What you need to hear to stop the fear.

I love you and soon YOU will heal.

Find yourself, Love yourself and better yourself.

I’m trying to mend but we’re at a bend.

I’m hurting but trying to be healing.

Nothing is soothing nor helping.

The duplication is causing me manipulation.

The same days and ways.

The dark nights and no lights.

The pain and no change.

The lightless soul and lifeless mind.

Inner sadder which stems this badness.

Where is the way?

Show me today, peace and quiet so there is no riot.

Hopefully, I will be released, to feel at ease.

Find yourself, Love yourself and better yourself.

I wish I could just heal and no longer fear.

I miss who I was but I love who I’m becoming.

We’re moving forwards but all I want is to go backwards.

The days are the same, the times never change and the same shit keeps happening and that’s making me insane.

I talk about this every time but it’s a feeling that makes me wanna cause a crime.

I wanna be more and not feel like a chore.

How can I stop this without endless pain and sadness?

I have to keep fighting and you will keep reading and others will be hoping.

We will keep going till everything else starts strengthening.

Find yourself, Love yourself and better yourself.

I’m overthinking and sometimes I start sinking.

I’m doing better but also being that much sadder.

My urges and temptations become harder but I only become stronger.

This life is a mess and is our test.

I wish we could get out without causing any harm.

The numbness, the endless pain, the cycle of painful thoughts.

One day it will stop, may that be a miracle from God during this life or the afterlife.

One day everything will feel right.

Find yourself, Love yourself and better yourself.

Lately, I’ve been confused and defused.

Lost and forgetting my own cost.

Trying but not able to be reaching.

I’ve not had much to do just a bunch to overthink about.

I’ve been trying to distract myself and love myself.

I’m improving on some things and removing other things from my life.

I’m apologising for my lack of posting.

I hope you are all well and thriving.

My love is forever with you; we will get through this.

Don’t be harsh on yourself, credit yourself.

Even through the lowest of lows. Your worth is only determined by yourself and nothing else.

I love you; keep going.

Find yourself, Love yourself and better yourself.