i feel so crazy, so used.

i’ve lost several friendships and many people.

everything feels so pointless and draining.

the littlest thing to do is so difficult for me, im trying to keep it going but im feeling invisible.

its been a year since my self harm, i haven’t done anything crazy but now my temptations are kicking in. i feel like i’ve not really come anywhere and ive not done much. however deep down i know that i’m beautiful and priceless and something fucking amazing.

but in this moment i feel like i need to harm myself or worse.

my thoughts are killing me.

i hate myself but i love myself, i cannot deal with anything anymore.

im a failure.

tell me whats going to change? maybe time, but not my feelings.

not the pain.

im stuck and im fucking sick of all these feelings.

i don’t know who i am, i look in the mirror and just cry.

im tired.

im fine.

goodnight or goodbye.

I’ve been away, kind of doing better and kind of healing in ways you’d never imagine.

So let me get straight into the deep and wise words.

Everything is coming to an end, mentally i’m not stable but where i am right now is better than where i was yesterday.

I’m proud of myself and I’ve learnt to focus on the positive. It’s what i needed and wanted. It’s what was best. Myself.

I assure you when you do this (focusing on yourself) it heals you in a way that cannot be explained. You focus on every little detail, the difference from yesterday to today. You have grown even if it was just yesterday.

Remember to always put yourself first. Regardless of how hard it has become, you need to prioritise yourself before anything.

Good things will come, believe in god.

Face your heart towards God and he shall guide your path.

Learn to love yourself, by yourself.

Within yourself you need to find the love, the courage.

You need to be happy with what and who you are.

Not by what others say and name.

Take care of yourself before its too late, fall in love with yourself like your own lover.

Shout and scream do everything it takes but please love yourself.

Happiness always is from within, make it happen.

Love your flaws.

Every side, angle, part, corner, love it and embrace it.

You are beautiful.

You are more.

You are independent.

Stop relying on others to help you or show you YOUR OWN WORTH.

Rely on yourself, fall in love with yourself and be the one for yourself.

Seize every chance you can get to love yourself even more, stop allowing yourself to believe that you need a form of help to achieve this.

You need nobody but yourself.

Love yourself, YOU are more.

You are YOU.

Something different but also something priceless.

There is no limit to your success, nobody can tell you what you can and can’t achieve.

Only you can stop yourself.

i don’t wanna do this anymore,

i’m feeling more than used,

something more like abused.

i wanted to be close to you, now i just wanna be the most to you.

now you left me and my tears are no longer dry.

note to self:

people will always want something for themselves, their only in it for themselves too.

do not let someone else break you or hurt you, you are worth more.

you are more than you think,

you are everything you need,

love yourself, make yourself and do not let anyone break you.

shine bright and don’t allow anyone else to say you’re mine.

keep yourself to yourself, you can do this.

i’m feeling so shit, i thought summer was gonna be lit.

everyones living their life and i’m just isolating myself.

i could pick up a knife and end it, but that wouldn’t be right.

we got to be strong, more than the demons stuck in our heads.

we need to ignore the temptation and irritation in our minds.

we have to find ourselves and be kind to yourself.

don’t let your mind play these games.

everyone’s lame but they ain’t gotta even know your name.

focus on yourself, do better.

love on yourself, gain quicker.

forget about the rest,

you’re the only matter.

i only spent a year, it seems more like a day.

i haven’t been here long but i do know it was my second home.

i love every single one of you, leaving you makes me all tingle.

i just want to say,

THANK YOU.

• for making comfortable

• for helping me through each day

• for letting me be me

• for motivating me continuously

i can go on and on, everything i wanted you all gave.

im thankful for all of you that contributed to my success, i appreciate all you’ve done for me.

i love you.

all of you.

so here we go, listen with your ear and let me cry a tear.

im sick of them trying to find a click,

i don’t want to be a pick & mix,

i wanna be a first option.

i wanna be a caption to their chapter,

i don’t want to be another one of their players.

maybe its me, or maybe its them.

why did you lie to try make me feel better?

you could’ve just bought me a meal, then we would’ve had a deal.

i’m not sure what it is, besides the fake lies and the sad energy.

what did i do to deserve this sort of disrespect huh?

all i did was love you like you was mine, but now its me saying ‘oh im fine.’

don’t tell me to stop, don’t tell me it will change, don’t lie to me one more time and leave me.

i wanted to be worthy, i wanted to be more.

so here’s to me leaving another human, another one that was full of itself that it became toxic and didn’t realise my love.

i deserve more.

Im broke just wanting a fix.

There’s not much besides a big mix, i just want to become more than what everyone thinks.

I want to make a change but everyone thinks im strange.

Suicidal thoughts are becoming more than consistent, more than a daily.

Im hurting but no ones caring.

Im sick of waiting think someone will help me.

Im done.

Im tired of living and breathing, i just want to be 6 feet under or covered with happiness.

It’s either one or the other.

I’m not sure what it will be,

but what am i trying to stay so strong for?

why am i trying so hard?

what is there to live for?

07/06/19

i chopped my hair and left everyone that i thought was toxic.

i thought it was impossible, but i made it possible.

i feel so much better.

hopefully i get better.

every bit of happiness i gain turns into sadness.

everyone i love just turns against me.

its hurts so much because i saw so much.

i gave it my all, even myself.

maybe its just me

maybe all i deserve is sadness full with heart ache.

what they say is music to your ears

but what they do with their actions is start a war.

whatever happens it’s in between us,

but when words gone around and people find out,

thats when i switch up.

i just wanted to be more, i wanted to be loved.

thats all.

why did you hate me?

why did you make me hate you?

why didn’t you love me?

why did you shove all we had in the bin?

why do i feel like its not right still think that it might work?

maybe its you, maybe its your love.

maybes its the lies or maybe just what you told me.

i hate people that speak around and go around.

don’t mock me because i will knock you down, mentally.

im sure that will hurt you, but not as much as i was hurting.

i loved you, but you hated me.

goodnight.

they were here and there, nothing was real. they invited me to meals but i didn’t believe it could make me heal.

there’s not much to say because im the only one that would want them to feel something so fucking real.

i wanted to make a deal and tell them ill make their world all teal.

there’s nothing wrong with a meal, but just don’t expect me to peal so early.

it’s hard to realise your worth

its even harder to realise the positive

it hurts but you’re trying to get back up

you put yourself in situations to try and better yourself, but none that matter.

stop forcing yourself to feel a type of way, their all gaining a pipe and you’re here wiping another tear.

don’t be a bastard,

don’t be a slag,

don’t be none that aren’t necessary.

take care of yourself, you will always deserve better.

stop beating yourself up.

i made my self bleed then forced myself to sleep.

i caused more pain then gains.

i made myself do stupid things because i thought they’d help me.

i slit my wrists, i broke my parents heart.

i taught myself that doing the wrong things would help me get far.

but here i am 8 months later, clean without no self harm.

i feel so much better but seeing these scars make me wanna become bitter.

i’m sick of the temptation but then i realise my thoughts are just an irritation.

im fighting with my mind, hoping when i’ll be right.

nothing will be light until i end this night.

i feel so shit, my heart hurts so much. i just wanna be a part, theres not much to list.

my thoughts are all tangly but i’m still gonna try make this clear because i only fear my mind but yet i’m trying to be so kind to myself and allow myself to have these sad days.

sometimes i don’t know what happens, sometimes i don’t know how i feel, sometimes it just kicks in, but sometimes for me is turning into ‘all the time.’

i can tell you about my sadness or i can tell you about my non existent happiness.

i choose to talk about the sadness because thats what i’ve experienced, however much i tried to succeed it didn’t work.

i tried to go places, i tried to make myself happy.

nothing ever worked, yet i’d rely on people to bring me back up and make me feel better, nobody understands.

yes i’m young, yes i’ve not lived my life but does that mean i haven’t felt pain? i haven’t suffered depression? i haven’t felt the suicide thoughts?

yes i understand that i’m not okay, but you have to accept even if i’m young i can still be the person who slits her wrists but doesn’t say from the tongue.

on many occasions i have used the phrase ‘i’m fine’ at times that’s what id actually mean, but that’s once in a blue moon. more time its about me feeling like shit and experiencing this by self, id tell you i’m doing something else or just lie consistently.

but i all i want is someone to care for me.

i don’t wanna hear the phrase ‘inshallah’ (hopefully.)

i just want someone to constantly message me, constantly wanna know if i’m okay or even try make me feel better. thats all i want, a friend just someone to make this hard time better for me.

its hard and its getting harder because i’m realising i’m all alone and thats how it might be.

you cant trust anyone because they’d use that against you when your argue or they take advantage of what you say and then you become vulnerable.

i’ve felt like this and i’ve been through everything you could name.

i feel sick to my stomach, because i’m sick of opening up and actually thinking that someone will help me.

they all eventually leave or end up dead or far away from you as possible because they can’t handle what you tell them.

its hard, but its even harder when you’re getting there and finally picking yourself up after years and then you realise how fucked up you really are because of what someone tells you.

if you make a mistake, you are that person that made that mistake

if you say the truth, you are the liar

if you ask for help, you are an attention seeker

if you leave someone, you are a user

the list goes on and on, but sometimes you just need reassurance for what you’ve done.

but please realise contradicting yourself or lowering your own self esteem or confidence will damage you and your future.

do not let anyone take advantage of you, please take care of yourself.

because you? YOU deserve better.

you deserve more,

your deserve happiness,

you deserve everything,

please get through this darkness and realise you will become your own happiness.

you matter, your thoughts matter.

let them out, however crazy people think you are.

you can do it.

you are more than you think.

you are beautiful, keep going and fight your mind.

it doesn’t make sense, but i wanna make amends.

everyone thinks i’m a little crazy but i’m just a baby, why can’t you just accept my truths and the reality of my thoughts?

i don’t hate myself, its just certain moments.

you can call me what you want and say what you want, but nothing will stop me from feeling the way i am.

i’m the type of person to find a negative in a positive.

you all give each other ‘lip service’ more-time its about how others should see you.

you say things that someone else wants to hear, thats life, thats how everything in this day and age work.

but lets not forget the good people who actually say things to help you and your mental health.

but also don’t forget the ones who are only with you, for your wealth.

open your eyes and realise, these humans are just becoming decorative pieces.

you deserve more, you are more.

stop lying to others about how you feel or what you are doing, stop being ashamed of your reality and your feelings.

regardless of your race, colour or waist.

be happy within yourself, not the temporary aspects of the world.

its playing on my mind like its a tape, i feel like i have no shame.

i felt so used and dirty i know what you’re thinking but it was just a betrayal of a friendship that started all this off.

it led one thing to another which then caused me to leave scars all over my wrist.

that wasn’t enough so 4 years in, i still haven’t defeated my demons and my thoughts or the hurt deep down inside me.

i feel so broken but a wise man told me there’s nothing to be fixed.

i was mixed with all my pain and my conflict to myself, all the confusion and pain, my confidence, my thoughts.

everything about me wasn’t just something that i could tuck under the carpet or pillow.

i need to let go, but all these leads to my past through my memories just hurt.

i loved every human that was temporary in my life with all my heart, now im stuck in this hole.

i’m sick of this.

i look in the mirror and i just don’t know who i’m becoming.

ive got to stick to the plan and hope it all comes out right.

everything’s changing, i used to be happy but now i don’t remember the last time i was even smiley.

i need time to think straight but i’m just not okay.

simply enough, i’m not okay.

i cant fight my thoughts, but one day i will overcome what my mind states to me.

so hear it is my thoughts at 01:55 15/05/19

i just want to be something, since everyone treats me like nothing.

i wanna take a seat but i can’t let the depression beat.

i wanna be more so let me get you out the door.

i need to start a new chapter that only includes me.

i can contain this attitude which makes me think about being a little bit more gratitude.

we all want to be better and achieve what matters.

but is what you’re trying to achieve right?

is it going to bring you light or something thats similar to night?

think about what you truly want, don’t be cruel to yourself.

be honest and close the closet of the past.

my feelings are unexplainable but lets not forget ill still love you and thats explainable

i need help but there’s nothing i can do besides yelp

i don’t want to question myself about your feelings because it makes the ceilings stutter too

i want your love but is that too much?

you said you will try so why is this making me want to cry?

i hate you, but i love you

what is the answer to this toxic relationship that i can’t fix?

do i need a mix or is it just a pick?

i love you but it’s never enough.

why are you letting someone so upset tell you something to make your face wet,

look at you.

a beauty in my eyes but just a duty in theirs,

make way so they can pass and get to class.

you are more than you think.

looking in the mirror, nothing but a little thinner.

you wish.

you stress about your weight letting others bet on your gains,

better yourself so you can rise higher and never come lower.

there’s not much to say besides let me give you some guides.

repeat after me.

i am more than a piece of meat,

i am more than someone or something,

i am not a second choice,

neither am i just a voice.

look at yourself again,

you are nice, something to right.

Most of my life, it wasn’t my own time

I just wanted love but i never get much.

Betrayal by my own, who thought of me like a loan.

I said lets make it work but all they thought that i was a hoe.

All these so called names, but nothing could be the same.

I tried to let it out but no one was by my side.

So this one is for you, take care of yourself before someone else has to tell you.

Learn your worth before someone takes your place on this earth.